How Enduring Vulnerabilities Are Affecting Your Marriage

Have you ever had an intense emotional reaction to something your spouse says or does, even though the situation doesn’t warrant it?  If you haven’t noticed this in yourself, is this something you’ve seen happen in your partner while you’re in a disagreement?

What about when you get into an argument with your spouse, but later on, neither of you are able to remember how the argument began or what made you so angry in the first place?  Often it can feel like it began over something silly that escalated out of control within minutes.

When your reaction to a situation in the present is intensified by experiences from the past, these signal that there may be an enduring vulnerability at play.

What are enduring vulnerabilities?

The term “enduring vulnerability” was coined by Thomas Bradbury and Benjamin Karney at UCLA.  It references past experiences in relationships, your family-or-origin, or other traumas that have created a subconscious reaction within you to similar experiences in the present.

For example, a child who was frequently bullied about his or her weight may continue to feel heightened sensitivity around body image and weight into adult years.  When their spouse suggests an exercise program to do together, the spouse with the enduring vulnerability around body image may have a strong emotional reaction of anger, fear, and shame. 

Often these vulnerabilities stem from attachment wounds.  Attachment wounds occur when a primary caregiver in your childhood was not a safe or secure base for you.  You project those attachment wounds on your partner because they are now the closest attachment figure in your life.

Enduring vulnerabilities are unique to all people and are often the source of these unexpected emotional reactions.   In order to understand how they impact you, you must practice self-reflection and awareness of the current situation in order to put them into context.

How do enduring vulnerabilities impact couples?

Major arguments that happen in relationships are often fueled by these enduring vulnerabilities.  Something your spouse says or does reminds you of someone else or a past trauma, and you react as if you are right back in that trauma.

Sometimes, enduring vulnerabilities are worsened by actual harm done in your marriage.  When your partner makes a critical or contemptuous comment to you, it can intensify an enduring vulnerability that already exists.  If you have experienced betrayal in your marriage relationship, new vulnerabilities may form as your primary adult attachment figure now feels unsafe.

How can couples use enduring vulnerabilities to grow closer?

There is an upside to these enduring vulnerabilities, however.  John Gottman, in his research on couples, recognized that arguments provide an opportunity for couples to grow in intimacy as they get to know one another’s enduring vulnerabilities.  Understanding one another’s stories will allow you to increase your empathy in responding and caring for one another in your marriage.

Recognize them.

When you find yourself reacting strongly to an interaction with your spouse, take some time to self-reflect.  What was the most challenging part of the conversation for you?  Why do you think it was the most challenging? Ask yourself what the interaction reminded you of. What situations in the past may have set you up to feel the way you did?

Pay attention to the physical sensations that arose in your body, the emotions you were feeling, and the thoughts that were running through your mind.  Let your mind float back to similar experiences in your life. These memories may be the key to uncovering why you responded so strongly to your partner’s actions or words.

Talk about them with your partner.

After some time has passed post-argument and tensions have lowered, share what you felt particularly sensitive to about that argument and how it relates to what you now know about your enduring vulnerabilities.  Be sure to talk about your own experience using the talking formula rather than offering criticism or contempt about your spouse.

If your spouse is sharing their enduring vulnerabilities with you, listen to them.  Ask open-ended questions to understand more of their story.  Offer validation and empathy to show that you understand how what happened in the present must have been difficult for them, based on what they experienced in the past.

Conversations about enduring vulnerabilities can help you know one another more deeply and connect on a more significant level.  They create a stronger sense of intimacy as you begin to know one another’s stories and experience empathy and understanding.

Create a plan for situations like these in the future.

As a couple, you can decide how you want to approach these enduring vulnerabilities when they inevitably arise in your relationship again.  

It is important for the spouse who has the enduring vulnerability to take responsibility for their personal emotions, rather than blaming their reaction on their partner.  It may require them to do their own work in counseling or elsewhere to identify when enduring vulnerabilities arise and options for changing their automatic reaction to them.  This is especially important when that enduring vulnerability is impacted by a more serious mental health concern such as depression, PTSD, addiction, or others.

At the same time, the spouse who is not affected by that vulnerability can choose to adapt their approach in these conversations to lovingly support their spouse and avoid known triggers related to that vulnerability.  For example, if one of your spouse’s enduring vulnerabilities comes from being called “stupid” frequently by a verbally abusive parent, you might intentionally avoid using that word to describe them or choose to affirm their competence in challenging situations.

In order to avoid codependency and attempts at mind-reading, have a conversation with your spouse about what would be supportive to them when they are experiencing an enduring vulnerability.  Allow your spouse to make requests of what they would prefer, and consider if you are willing to offer support in that way.

Have patience with the process.

Understanding your own and your spouse’s enduring vulnerabilities is not an overnight process.  It takes time to fully understand how your unique stories and past experiences play into your interactions with one another, and often there will be some trial-and-error before you find the best ways to support one another.  Give yourself grace in this period of learning.

Know also that frequently couples have enduring vulnerabilities that intensify one another when they occur.  For example, he feels hurt when she walks away from the conversation out of fear of abandonment, but she feels scared when he comes after her due to her past history of abuse.  Recognizing and talking about these together can help you have more empathy for one another and grow into different approaches that work for your unique marriage.

Taking it Slow: The Secret to Healthy Couples Communication

Think of the most recent argument you had with your spouse or significant other.  What was it about?  How did it start?  What details can you remember about it?  Can you recall exactly what you said?  Exactly what your partner said?  Were you aware of any emotions (other than anger) you were feeling in the moment?  What about their emotions?

Often, memories of fights with our significant others can feel foggy.  One reason why is that emotions are usually running high.  One or the both of you might feel flooded, meaning you’re experiencing intense emotions that overwhelm you and make you unable to listen to your partner.  Or perhaps the environment creates a distraction if you’re trying not to let your children hear you argue or you’re in a public place.  It is common to end a conversation wondering what even started the fight in the first place.

When these arguments seem to happen on repeat, but without a clear picture of why, you might feel stuck in those ruts.  One of the reasons I see couples repeating this cycle of unresolved arguments and building resentments is simply this: it all goes too fast. If you choose to slow the pace of your conversation down, you’ll find it much easier to hear one another and have a better outlook on the issue you’re discussing.

The Why Behind Slowing Things Down

Let’s consider the questions asked earlier: in order to know the answer to any one of them, you’d be required to slow down the discussion and ask questions of yourself or your partner.  It’s hard to self-reflect when you’re racing through a conversation, let alone to ask questions and actually listen rather than try to persuade your partner of your side. 

Slowing down affords you the opportunity to actually hear what your partner is saying.  Not only that, it also gives you an opportunity to be heard by them, to get across what you’re trying to communicate. 

Ways to Slow Down

First, notice signs that a conversation is speeding up and about to spiral out of control. You might recognize an increase in emotional intensity, raised voices, criticism, defensiveness, or other felt tension in the conversation.

Build in a signal that you’d like to slow down.  You might use a short phrase or question like, “I’m feeling tense/flooded, can we slow down?”  You could also ask for a pause and focus on taking a few deep breaths during that time.  If your partner feels comfortable, you may reach out a hand to hold theirs.  Having a conversation about these signals before you’re in an argument may help you decide on the best choice for the two of you. 

Sometimes, it is challenging to direct the conversation to slow down when you’ve already begun the spiral into flooding.  If that’s the case, ask if you can take a short, 20-minute break where you do a self-soothing or distracting activity.  Then, return to the conversation with a focus on some of the strategies outlined below.

Repeat word-for-word what you hear your partner saying to you.  Practice this reflective listening strategy to be sure that you understand what your partner is saying and ensuring they feel heard by you.  This also gives them the chance to correct if what you heard is different from what they intended to communicate.  Repeating your spouse’s words back to them forces you to slow down because you’re essentially going through the same statements twice.  It’s okay if you can’t remember all the details: you can always ask your partner to repeat statements if you missed them.

One challenge that arises in this step is the tendency to formulate a response in your head while your partner is still talking.  You will need to set aside that tendency in order to be fully present and listening to your partner, knowing that you will have an opportunity to share your perspective later in the conversations.

Ask about what emotions your partner is feeling.  Often all you see in the midst of an argument is anger, but when you are able to identify other emotions that might be influencing the conversation, this can help you understand your partner better.  As discussed above, repeat these words back to your partner when you hear them.

Tell your partner what makes sense about what they’re feeling or experiencing.  Can you relate to the emotions your partner is feeling?  If you were seeing things through their perspective, would it make sense for them to respond in the way they are?  Find a part of their experience that you can connect with and empathize by offering validation of their perspective.

Validating your partner’s perspective is not the same as agreeing with everything your partner says.  You can disagree with your partner’s perception of how you’re feeling or what you’re trying to communicate, and at the same time validate that if those things were true, they would cause your partner to feel hurt, sad, angry, etc.  If your partner’s perception isn’t accurate or if you have a different perspective, you’ll have time to communicate that when you respond later on.  For now, try to put yourself in their shoes and connect with how they would feel if their perception were accurate.

Ask any questions you might have.  In order to make sure you’ve fully caught their perspective on this issue, ask any clarifying questions you might have.  Be wary of asking questions that are meant to communicate your anger or emotion, such as “how could you be so selfish?” or “do you really think that was a good idea?”  Instead, ask open-ended questions that can’t be answered with just yes or no, like, “how did you feel about that?” or “what makes this so important to you?”

Ask if they feel heard and understood by your reflection.  Slowing down to ask this step ensures that your partner has a chance to correct or edit any details that you didn’t quite catch.  It also allows them to self-reflect and identify if there’s more to the story that they need to share in order to truly feel understood. 

Repeat the process in the other direction.  Once you’ve been able to fully summarize your partner’s perspective to his or her satisfaction, then you can reverse roles and share your own perspective.  This is not the moment to tear down their perspective, but to share your own experience so that they can understand you.  Using a talking formula can provide structure to help you communicate effectively and clearly.

Sharing your perspective can be tricky if your partner isn’t aware of this process or interested in listening in the same way you have.  However, if you begin by slowing down before responding, it is likely that your partner may be more open to listening to your side.

End by asking how you can support one another with whatever the issue is at hand. Likely, if you’ve been able to fully understand your partner’s perspective and have had a chance to share your own, you’ll be able to use a problem-solving mindset to identify possible solutions or compromises you can make on the issue that caused the argument.  Some of these might require more discussion to figure out what works best for the two of you, but even identifying a need for more discussion is a good action step.

Stopping the Cycle of Emotional Harm in Your Marriage: A Review of The Emotionally Destructive Marriage by Leslie Vernick

What does it mean to be in an emotionally destructive marriage?  Have you felt coerced into doing things you don’t want to do?  Do you hear name-calling or contemptuous criticism when your spouse doesn’t like your choices?  Do your spouse’s words lead you to feel horrible about yourself?

These are common symptoms of emotional abuse or harm.  Others include a crippling sense of self-doubt based on your spouse’s criticism and feeling terrified of his or her rages.  Gaslighting is common: when you attempt to directly address an issue with your spouse, you consistently leave the conversation feeling as though it was all your fault.

Leslie Vernick’s book The Emotionally Destructive Marriage gives a message of relief to women who experience their husband’s emotional and verbal abuse but feel trapped and unable to change anything about it.  In this book, Vernick outlines the characteristics of an emotionally destructive marriage and explores what that type of abuse feels and looks like.  She also shatters the myths of distorted Christian teachings that cause women to doubt their experience based on overly simplistic views of women’s roles.

Since this book comes from an explicitly Christian perspective, including prayers at the end of each chapter and a focus on Biblical truths, it may initially alienate someone who doesn’t have the same faith background.  Regardless, I believe the practical tools and helpful insight she provides can be beneficial for any woman who is concerned about the state of her marriage.

Helpful Insights from This Book

An Understanding of Emotionally Destructive Marriages

Early on in the book, Vernick describes emotionally destructive marriages and gives assessments to help you identify the difference between an abusive relationship and an unsatisfying relationship.  This distinction between dissatisfaction in marriage and being the recipient of emotional abuse or manipulation can be validating to women who have been told they are simply unhappy in their marriages and they need to change their own perspective.

A Shift in Perspective on Biblical Submission

Unfortunately, many Christian women have been taught messages about the role of submission to their husbands without a full understanding of what this word means and what it requires of the husband.  Submission is not blindly going along with whatever the husband wants, particularly when the husband is asking the wife to do something she knows is wrong or will be harmful to herself or others. Looking at the way Jesus led others, it is clear that leadership means serving and looking out for the needs of those you lead more so than your own needs.  Submission cannot be forced or demanded, and it is not meant to be a power play of cruelty.  If you experience “submission” as a weapon in your marriage, you are likely in an emotionally destructive marriage.

Validation of a Woman’s Choice

Vernick allows her readers to make a choice about the future of their marriage: whether they want to stay together, separate, or divorce.  She doesn’t dictate what that choice should be: instead, she encourages women that whatever they choose to do, they do it “well.”  Recognizing that each situation is different and there is no one solution for everyone, she gives practical help for whichever option you choose.  She warns against people who claim simple solutions for such a complex issue, reinforcing that what is right for one woman and marriage may not be right for another.

If you are in an emotionally destructive marriage, you likely are not given opportunities to make your own decisions.  You are told what to do by your spouse and haven’t had much space to explore what you truly want.  Often gaslighting contributes to this, as emotional manipulation can lead you to believe your desires are different from what they truly are. She encourages you to get in touch with your own desires as part of this discerning process.

Practical Tools and Next Steps

At the end of each chapter in the book, Vernick gives specific action steps to help you explore changes you can make to move out of feeling stuck in your marriage.  At several points through the book, she refers the reader to her website for resources to download that help you begin to set boundaries in your marriage.  She has video resources available for both spouses to understand the dynamics of the emotionally destructive marriage. 

Challenges Toward Growth

Vernick knows her audience: the wife in the emotionally destructive relationship is probably the one reading this book, not the husband.  She also knows that many of these women want to change their spouse, but they have little to no control over that change.  Instead, she challenges women to do their own work: becoming more confident and supported so that they can take steps toward healing.  At one point she discusses her intentional decision to refrain from talking about reasons for husbands to become emotionally abusive: to her, it doesn’t matter how it happened, but instead that it is happening, and the wife needs to respond to protect herself and her family.

For Partners of Sex and Love Addicts

When I’m working with partners of sex and love addicts, I see the devastation that trauma causes and how it can limit a woman’s sense of personal power. It is important to allow the husband to carry the blame for stepping out on the marriage. And it is incredibly important for your own healing to recognize how these actions have affected you and how you may be responding negatively in your own way as a result.  Taking ownership over your own response can help you regain a personal sense of power.  Acknowledge the reality of the trauma you’re experiencing, but also acknowledge steps you can take to regain control over your own choices and life.

Practicing Self-Care

Healing from the trauma of an emotionally abusive marriage requires taking care of yourself and processing your own past hurt that may be contributing to your response.  Practice self-care by getting in touch with your own needs, which probably have been hidden because you’ve been focused on appeasing your spouse.  Find support through trusted friends, therapy, and support groups: you cannot do this alone.  Learn to communicate boundaries with your spouse and say “no” when you feel uncomfortable.  The best way to do this work is to get into your own therapy to explore how your actions has been affected by your upbringing and past trauma such that you respond in the unique, particular way you do.

How to Communicate with an Emotionally Destructive Spouse

There often comes a time where direct communication needs to happen with your spouse in order to open the door for change.  Vernick suggest templates for how to talk about what you’re willing and not willing to tolerate, emphasizing the need for follow-through on what you commit to do in response to his intolerable behaviors.  She reminds you not to get sucked in to the emotional abuse or manipulation, remaining calm as a way of avoiding destructive dynamics from the past.  She encourages keeping yourself safe as the highest priority, suggesting this confrontation happen in public and with support individuals nearby.  These practical tips help this process feel more manageable.

If you are wondering if you might be in an emotionally abusive or destructive marriage, pick up this book and give it a read.  Do the assessments and follow the action plans.  Learn to communicate clearly and directly with the specific and practical steps Vernick offers.  Open yourself up to explore your own history and how it might be influencing your spouse to your spouse.  My hope is that this will give you the courage you need to take a stand and take up space in your marriage.

What To Do If Your Spouse Has Depression

You’ve been noticing some changes in your partner.  She has a hard time getting out of bed in the morning.  He’s lost interest in the friends and outings he used to love.  She bursts into tears at the slightest provocation.  He talks about feeling overwhelmed, hopeless, and tired.

When your loved one is going through a season of depression, it can be difficult to know how to respond, especially if you’ve never experienced depression yourself.  When depression is not addressed in relationships, it can create emotional and relational problems that lead to divorce.  Depression affects communication between spouses, creates isolation from friends, and can lead to feelings of depression in the healthy spouse.  Conflict can escalate as your partner experiences irritability and shifts in mood.

How can you actively respond to your spouse’s depression in a way that doesn’t drive you apart, but that draws you closer together?

First, learn about depression.

Understanding the way depression works is the first step to supporting your spouse.  Read books and articles to learn more about depression symptoms.  Identify which symptoms are common for your spouse, and get to know the types of negative thoughts that characterize depression.  Learn about differences in severity and what to do if your spouse struggles with thoughts of suicide.  If you’ve just had children, learn about the symptoms of post-partum depression.  Identify if the depression is related to a situation like a death in the family, or if it’s a more chronic problem.

Reduce the stigma.

You might find that your spouse denies struggling with depression or feels ashamed at having to admit they need help. People with depression can dislike putting that fact about them on display.  They can feel stereotyped and marginalized as others minimize their concerns, saying words like, “It’s no big deal, you’ll cheer up soon.”  Encourage your spouse that what they’re experiencing is normal for depression, they don’t need to feel shame, and help is available.

Build your marital friendship.

John Gottman shares that a top prevention strategy for post-partum depression is building and maintaining friendship in your marriage.  You can foster this friendship in many ways.  Spend time asking each other questions to learn about one another’s worlds.  Go for a walk or exercise together, as exercise offers health benefits for depression and can be a great activity for connection.  Choose a sitcom on Netflix to watch and laugh together.

Talk about how you’re feeling.

Processing and understanding emotions in one another can be a great way to build intimacy and cope with feelings of depression.  Check in every day to find out how each of you are feeling, using a structure like Gottman’s stress reducing conversation.  Seek to understand your spouse, not to fix them. Take time to name the different emotions you experienced today.  Discuss a high and low moment from the day, identify things for which you are grateful, and affirm what you achieved throughout the day.

Create a game plan with your spouse for bad days.

In the ups and downs of depression, there will be days that are worse than others.  On bad days, it can be helpful to have a plan of activities to do to care for your spouse.  Pay attention to the triggers.  Explore ideas on what helps your spouse to feel better on bad days and encourage him or her to do them.  Offer a massage.  Practice gratitude together.  Encourage your spouse to take care of him or herself without pushing.

Be patient.

It can be easy to become angry with a spouse whose actions affect you.  If they have difficulty at work due to their depression, aren’t motivated to do fun things together, or have a hard time caring for children, it can feel like you’re taking on more responsibility.  In this case, share how you feel (gently) and seek to find a compromise or solution.  Be aware that talking about their struggles with depression or making suggestions on what to do might be met with defensiveness, so be mindful of taking a gentle approach. 

Respect and support their work in therapy.

Ultimately, if your spouse is struggling with depression, he or she needs to seek professional help. One way to support this process is to drive them to sessions with their therapist or psychiatrist.  When your spouse is in therapy, expect them to set boundaries and make changes in their life that may affect you, including cutting back on some responsibilities. If their therapist requests you come in for sessions or begin couples therapy, do so.  Request to come in for a session to learn about how you can support your spouse’s work with the therapist.

Prioritize your own self-care, friendships, and therapy.

As depression impacts your partner, you may tend to isolate from others as a couple.  It may be more difficult to have fun together.  It is important for you to cultivate your own relationships with friends and family to help.  Identify safe family members or same-sex friends who can be a support.  Be wary of depending too much on friends of the opposite sex, as that could lead to infidelity.  If needed, pursue your own therapy to learn about how to cope with the emotions and stress you’re experiencing.

Most importantly, if your spouse talks about thoughts of suicide or a plan to harm themselves, seek immediate medical help.  Drive your partner to the nearest ER facility or call 911.

It is important not to minimize this last point: if your spouse is talking about suicide, take action.  If you are unsure about the symptoms of suicidal ideation, call the suicide prevention lifeline (1-800-273-8255) and ask about warning signs.

As the spouse of someone struggling with depression, you have the power to make an impact in their healing.  My hope is that as you learn to care better for both yourself and your spouse, you’ll be able to experience greater intimacy as you fight back against depression together.