Seeing Your Self as Your Context: Acceptance and Commitment Therapy Series

In our series on Acceptance and Commitment therapy, we have laid the foundation of several basic principles of ACT.  We’ve discussed using mindful awareness to remain in contact with the present moment in order to observe and take notice of your internal world.  We’ve reviewed what acceptance is and isn’t, and discussed how practicing acceptance leads to more openness through releasing what is outside of our control.  We’ve also explained and practiced thought defusion, lessening the power we assign to the products of our mind, like our thoughts and feelings.

All these steps involve taking on the role of an observer.  Contact with the present moment allows you to notice your thoughts, feelings, memories, or urges, as well as how you assign power to them in a way that influences your behavior.  Observing shows you how circumstances outside of your control affect you and lead you to struggle with acceptance.  With this next concept, we’ll take observing deeper, exploring how you can separate the products of your mind from your identity – who you are as a person – in order to offer alternative ways of responding to your circumstances.

Self as Context

What does it mean to see your self as your context?  Rather than overidentifying with your thoughts or other internal experiences, self as context requires you to view yourself through the lens of an observer who sees all parts of you, not just the one you’re experiencing right in this moment.  Who you are is not the same as your fleeting feelings, urges, physical sensations, memories, or thoughts.

Your internal experiences don’t need to define your identity.  In the observer role, you notice that while your self contains these internal experiences, they are not one and the same with the whole of who you are.

Attachment to the Conceptualized Self

In contrast, when we link our thoughts, emotions, urges, memories, etc. to who we are as people, we often become locked into rigid ways of responding to the world around us.  We begin to feel stuck, unable to change the patterns that are causing us more harm than good.

We tell ourselves stories we believe to be true about who we are.  These can be long-standing narratives adopted from a young age, that came out of abuse, or that we’ve heard from others in our adult years.  These stories about ourselves dictate our actions in response to a thought, memory, emotion or urge.  For example, if I believe the narrative that I am always late, chances are I will not arrive to meetings or appointments on time.  Even if this is a habit that annoys me, my belief that it is true about myself will influence my behavior.

Similarly, an addict feeling an urge to use their drug of choice might have the thought, “This is the only thing that makes me feel good.”  Believing that narrative, they remember previous euphoric experiences that came after using their drug of choice and feel desire to use again.  Overidentifying with these thoughts can lead this addict to feel as though they have no other choice but to respond by using.

Attachment to the conceptualized self leads to hopelessness and resignation, as you find yourself repeating destructive patterns despite not wanting to continue.  Over time, the believe that you cannot change and deep-seated resistance to other options become solidified.

Why does self as context matter?

As an observer, you can watch what happens internally with some level of detachment.  You also learn that your observing self typically remains stable – your sense of self doesn’t change even though your internal experiences change moment to moment. Who you are is much deeper than just what happens in your mind. Your internal experiences are transient and therefore carry less weight than the sum total of who you are.

Seeing yourself as your context offers more options for actions in response to your circumstance, rather than the rigid, inflexible ways of responding to which you are accustomed.  Instead, self as context sets you up for flexible perspective taking, or seeing multiple points of view or options on how to respond.  When you can take the perspective of others, that often opens up different choices for behavior or perception of your experience.

For those who struggle with addiction, understanding self as your context leads to recognition that the urges you have do not make you a lost cause, but they are part of your addiction.  You can observe and respond to these sensations with actions that are in alignment with what is important to you.  Similarly, those who deal with depression or anxiety can benefit from distancing themselves from taking on the identity of an anxious or depressed person.  Defining yourself as depressed because you have depressed thoughts or a depressed mood can perpetuate the symptoms of depression.  Believing that you are an anxious person and overidentifying with your worst-case scenario thinking can consume your thoughts and trap you.

Principles

You are more than your thoughts, feelings, memories, sensations, and urges.

When you are overly attached to this internal world, you may find yourself limited by it.  It may feel like the workings of your mind consume you and make up the bulk of who you are.  But this is not true. Who you are is multifaceted, and these thoughts, feelings, or urges are just one part of your experience that is transient and will likely change in just a few moments.

From the observer perspective, you can distance yourself from the thoughts.  As we discussed in the practice of thought defusion, using a phrase like, “I’m having the thought…” instead of accepting it as true can create psychological distance.

You can observe the workings of your mind as if from outside.

You can look at your thoughts, feelings, and other internal experiences from the perspective of an outside observer to see other perspectives on what you might be going through, implementing the concept of flexible perspective taking.  What might someone else be thinking if they could listen in to what’s going on in your head?  If you were talking with a friend and they shared this with you, how might you respond to them?  What would you be feeling or thinking about them?

Flexible perspective taking helps you to identify alternative explanations and options you’re your ingrained, rigid ways of responding.  Consider: what are other reasons you could be responding this way?  What are other actions you’ve seen others take or that you could take when you feel this way? 

Not every story we tell ourselves is true of our identity.

As you explore some of your narratives that come up repeatedly, you might find it helpful to challenge their validity through flexible perspective taking.  Even those that have a basis in reality (maybe you are someone who tends to run late!) don’t constitute all of who you are.  Allowing yourself to explore various different narratives about yourself rather than limiting yourself to one definition that may or may not be true can help you release the limitations you feel.

You have options and the ability to choose.

Who you are is flexible in different situations.  You can choose what you want to do and who you want to be based on your values.  For example, you have the ability to choose confidence and directness in your relationships with coworkers, while choosing to be fun-loving and laid back while at dinner with friends.  You have options about how to respond in different contexts because who you are is nuanced.  You have options of how you act in those various situations, rather than being stuck in one way of responding.

Your self is stable, despite the changeable nature of your internal experiences.

The more you practice observing your mind, the more you will notice that your observer self doesn’t change.  The emotions, thoughts, and memories you have change over time and in different contexts, but who you are is fairly stable.  You’ve been you for your entire life, while the workings of your mind are in many ways different from the way they were five years, days, or even minutes ago.

Practices

Observe your thoughts and feelings without judgment.

Going back to contact with the present moment, notice over the course of a few days the various thoughts, feelings, emotions, memories, urges, and sensations you have.  Track the triggering event and your behavioral response afterward.

As you do this, seek to keep a nonjudgmental perspective.  Watch these internal experiences as they come and allow them to pass by.  Do your best not to fixate or evaluate them as “good” or “bad,” but instead to notice them as they happen. 

Identify a few common stories you tell about yourself.

Look for themes in what you’ve recorded to pull out narratives that keep surfacing about yourself, either from your own mind or how others treat you.  These could be personality traits you believe you have, actions where you don’t feel like you have a choice, or moments of feeling hopeless or trapped.

Identify the specific incidents that taught you this was true from your past.  Where did it come from? Did someone say something to you that solidified this narrative in your mind?  Have you repeated it to yourself over time?  Have you interpreted it based on your actions? 

Imagine your younger self’s perspective.

Imagine yourself 5-10 years ago and look at your current experience through their eyes.  You’d be surprised what different perspective you might notice. You may clarify the origin of your ingrained narratives about yourself.  You might notice more or less pain in your past self.  How might your younger self compare with where you are now and offer a different point of view?

Imagine your older self’s perspective.

Now look ahead into the future. Imagine yourself 5-10 years from now and ask for the point of view of the future version of yourself.  What would an older and wiser version of you say?  If it’s hard to connect to yourself in this way, you can think of an older mentor or close friend who has a more wise perspective.  What might they think?

Consider how someone you admire handles similar situations.

Bring to mind someone who you think does a good job of handling situations like the one you find yourself in.  What different options might they have?  What do you see them doing or believing that is different from you?  What different perspective or point of view might they have?

Remind yourself of options.

Consolidate the insights from these different perspectives and make a list of the options you might have, both in your internal world and behavioral responses.  How might you think differently about yourself?  What other narratives or layers might you be missing that could open up options?  In terms of action, what other options might you have for how to respond?  Do you have to do what you usually do?  Are there any ways that could change?

Visualize taking one of these options.

What would it feel like to try a different option from the way you usually operate?  Visualize yourself taking that path.  Imagine yourself acting in a way that fits with your values, different from your normal experience.  What resistance or feelings of being trapped do you notice?  What makes you not want to take that option?  Would it be uncomfortable in any way, and why?

As we move into the upcoming foundational principles of ACT, values and committed action, you may need to come back to this step when you feel stuck.  Explore what is getting in the way of you taking value-based action from these various perspectives.  Notice how the stories you tell yourself can limit you from fully embodying the person you want to be.

Surrender to the Process: Task 3 in Carnes’ 30 Task Model for Addiction Recovery

A common struggle for addicts entering recovery is the tug-of-war of their desires: wanting to stop acting out while still feeling a pull toward addictive behaviors.  Early in recovery, there’s often an expectation from yourself or from a spouse or loved one to change instantaneously.  And at the beginning, that can feel possible: after discovery or disclosure of addiction, you might have an immediate sense of disgust or distaste for the addiction that fuels sobriety. But with time, that initial emotional response subsides, and the addiction can easily come back when the underlying roots of the problem are still hidden.

One of these underlying roots is a sense of control: a belief that you can force yourself to stop your addictive behaviors, you are in control of your own recovery, and you can pick and choose what you do to get better.  Notice, however, that one of the hallmarks of addiction is repeated attempts to stop without success.  Often early attempts to stop are half-hearted, done in isolation, or not informed by recovery principles. 

The momentary willingness that comes after disclosure or discovery will not turn into long-term sobriety unless there is a recognition that past attempts to control don’t work.  Unless there is a true surrender of control, change will not last.

Surrender to the Process vs. Attempts to Control

What is Surrender?

Surrender is a recognition of the reality that you do not have the power to get better from your addiction on your own or by manipulating or controlling your recovery.  This ties into 12 Step work and breaking through denial as you recognize your own powerlessness and unmanageability.

Surrender acknowledges that the attempts you’ve made to change have been futile.  Often, this is because they are done by yourself without the support or accountability of others.  Or because you approach recovery in a piecemeal fashion, only choosing to do some things and leaving behind necessary tasks for your recovery that stir up discomfort.  Or you may be still on the fence about recovery in general.

What is Control?

Control happens when we believe that we are not powerless and that we can do the work of recovery on our own.  This often leads to white-knuckling, a term that refers to forcing yourself to stop acting out behaviors by sheer willpower.  The term “dry drunk” refers to someone who may not be acting out in their addiction, but hasn’t addressed the underlying root causes of the addiction to create lasting, holistic life change because they are still seeking control. 

Control can be obvious, as in some of the examples above, but it can also show up in subtle ways.  When you are only doing some of the work of recovery and ignoring putting into practice that which makes you feel uncomfortable, you are exercising your own control.  Control shows up in comparing yourself to others in recovery, seeing yourself as better or more capable than them.  Thoughts like “if I just do better, then it will all be fine,” are denial statements that foster this sense of control, but then lead to feelings of lethargy, depression, or self-hatred when you cannot follow through on change.  Another indicator is a lack of willingness to rely on others for support or help through the process, meaning you aren’t attending meetings, don’t have a sponsor, and have no accountability with other group members.

Characteristics of Surrender

Surrender requires you to be uncomfortable.  When you’re surrendering to the process of recovery, you will feel discomfort with some of what you are tasked to do.  You might not like some of the early restrictions or accountability you need to put in place, like an internet blocker, location tracking app, or daily accountability with a sponsor.  But remember that picking and choosing what you feel comfortable with in recovery is a setup for slips and relapse.

Surrender releases anxiety to experience peace.  When you are attempting to stay in control, you put incredible pressure on yourself to change on your own, followed by devastating shame when you inevitably fail.  If you choose to surrender to the process, you can experience the peace of knowing that you aren’t alone and help is available. 

Surrender requires that you say no.  You will need to learn what your limits are in recovery.   We like to think that we can do everything we want and resist temptation to act out in addiction, but this isn’t true. One of the ways denial perpetuates addiction is to tell you that you should “test your strength” or “test your resolve” by putting yourself in risky situations. But this is another form of ritual and preparation for acting out.  You need to identify appropriate boundaries and restrictions early on to set yourself up for success.  Addicts are notoriously bad at boundaries – that’s part of the addiction – so surrendering to boundaries that others help you identify or that have been tenets of the 12 Step recovery process are necessary. 

The Spiritual Nature of Surrender

If we can’t do recovery on our own, then what does that mean? Who can do it for us?

Surrender is a spiritual discipline.  Recognizing the role of God in this process is essential.  In 12 Step, incorporating God or your Higher Power involves recognizing something bigger than yourself that is guiding you toward health, because your self isn’t cutting it.  Step Two and Step Three of the 12 Step program dig into this exploration in more detail. 

Surrender to God or a Higher Power can be a tricky endeavor for those whose views of God are complicated, who have difficulty trusting in God, or who don’t believe God has the power to create change.  These roadblocks are worth working out in the context of your 12 Step group or with your sponsor.  At the bare minimum, believing that there is something outside of yourself that will guide you through recovery, even if it is as simple as the 12 Step process or your work with a sponsor, gives you a good place to start.

Practical Steps for Task 3

Ask for help.

The easiest way to recognize surrender in someone is their willingness to no longer tackle the addiction on their own, but to actively seek out help from others.  This can come in the form of joining a 12 Step group, therapy group, support group, or going to counseling.  Take it a step further by connecting with a sponsor or other group members for contact outside of the group.  Recognize that asking for help requires vulnerability and openness: you need to share the realities of your addiction openly with someone rather than offering partial information.

Identify your Higher Power.

This can be the God of the Bible if you are a Christian believer, or can have a foundation from your religious background.  If you chafe at the idea of religion, you may choose the 12 Step group, people who have gone before you in recovery, recovery itself, or a particular value you hold like love or compassion.  Again, seek to identify something bigger than yourself and have conversations with others in the program to open yourself up to faith and be curious about this process. 

Name denial-based roadblocks.

Denial in your thoughts can be a major factor that keeps you in control and prevents you from offering full surrender.  When you look at the subtle types of control listed above, do you identify with any of them?  Make a list of the denial statements that are most common to you that fuel these attempts to control.  They can include thoughts like, “I don’t need to do that,” “I’m not as bad as so-and-so,” or “other people might need 12 Step, but I don’t.” 

Now consider: what have you tried before in terms of your recovery?  How successful was it?  Is your denial telling you the truth or not?  Look also at what beliefs might be causing you to resist placing trust in your Higher Power or in the support of others.

Grieve the losses associated with surrender.

Surrendering addiction is hard, often because it can feel like you’re giving up the only coping mechanism you have available when stress or other painful emotions arise.  There are aspects of addiction that were appealing or pleasurable to you, and you will need to let go of them.  It also may require you to let go of the belief that you are in control or that you are capable of stopping on your own.  Surrender is a process of letting go.

Remind yourself of your commitment.

When you choose to surrender, it is not a one-and-done moment.  Surrender is a daily practice.  Repeatedly remember your commitment to surrender through a daily reminder, as with a spiritual practice like prayer, journaling, or meditation.  You might choose a mantra or repeated phrase like, “I can’t, but God can,” or “I choose to surrender to the process of recovery.”  Use the Serenity Prayer: “God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.”  Regularly reinforce this commitment through the support of a church or religious community.

Invite others to help with boundary-setting.

As mentioned earlier, a lack of understanding and implementation of healthy boundaries is a characteristic of addiction.  Recovery requires going back to basics with boundaries.  Sit down with your sponsor and talk about your limits and what you should say no to in early recovery, even if you don’t want to.  Get specific and honest here about what you truly need.  Your sponsor will help you explore which triggers are in your control and those you can’t control to help you adapt your boundaries accordingly.  Talk to others in your group with similar acting out behaviors about what boundaries they found effective in early recovery and choose to adopt some of theirs if they strike a chord in you.  Read stories of those who have been successful in recovery, many of which can be found in the foundational text of your 12 Step fellowship, and imitate some of the changes they made if they are relevant to you.

Coping With Betrayal Trauma Triggers as a Couple

When I work with couples who are recovering from sex and love addiction, one of the most common concerns is what to do when the betrayed partner gets triggered.  This is especially relevant when the addict has achieved sobriety and is working their program, but the betrayed partner continues to experience triggers. A trigger is a reminder in the present of the addict’s hurtful and addictive behaviors in the past.  Triggers can be accompanied by strong expressions of emotion that seem out of proportion to the present situation, flashbacks to the addict’s past behaviors, intense anxiety or fear, or a level of disgust toward the addict.

Triggers aren’t necessarily indicators that the addict has done anything wrong or broken their sobriety.  In fact, triggers will come up no matter how long the addict has been sober.  I often characterize triggers as having “one foot in the past and one foot in the present”.  Though the addiction may not be happening currently, the feeling aroused by the trigger is the same as if it were happening in the present.  They are a normal part of betrayal trauma recovery and broken trust that needs to be dealt with and healed in the relationship.

Types and Signs of Triggers

A trigger can be directly tied to the recovering addict’s behavior, but triggers can also be environmental.  Triggers tied directly to the addict might be observing their interactions with the opposite sex, seeing your partner hide something on their phone or computer, or your spouse arriving home later than expected.  An example of an environmental trigger might be a billboard for an adult bookstore, an explicit scene in a TV show or movie, or the mention of an affair in a book or magazine.

Sometimes these triggers lead to suspicion and distrust of the spouse, especially when patterns of behavior that were used to hide addiction are noted.  For example, if the addict would often engage in sexual acting out behaviors while traveling for work, traveling will likely carry a trigger in the future.  Or if the spouse used pornography late at night, staying up late alone may be another trigger.

Other times triggers are tied to relational dynamics that were present during the addiction.  If defensiveness was used to hide addictive behavior or emotional disengagement occurred as a result of the addiction, these will likely stir up a trigger response.  Emotional manipulation and gaslighting, withdrawing after an argument, and rage/intense anger are all types of relational dynamics that may have been used to hide or distract from the addictive behavior in the past. If they recur, they can remind the betrayed spouse of that experience and arouse suspicion.

As mentioned earlier, triggers often bring strong emotional reactions, to extremes of rage or the silent treatment.  They can spiral the betrayed partner into destructive thought patterns and anxiety, which may lead to a return to safety-seeking behaviors. Examples of these include searching through emails or phones or numbing out with the betrayed partner’s own addiction to food, shopping, alcohol, or other compulsive or impulsive behaviors. 

Some triggers are easier to prepare for, such as the travel trigger mentioned above.  However, many times triggers come on unexpectedly.  Having a plan in place for how you will respond to triggers as a couple can help you be prepared even for those that are unpredictable and arise without warning.

A Plan for the Addict

Slow down and breathe.

When your partner is triggered, often the impulse is to defend yourself against what can feel like an attack or accusation of wrongdoing.  Unfortunately, this can intensify the triggering experience, adding even more distrust to the relationship as you repeat patterns of defensiveness or dismissal that were used to hide the addiction.

Instead, use the tool of your breath to slow yourself down before you jump on the defense.  Take five to ten slow, deep abdominal breaths to help you stay present in your body and prepare to listen to their experience.

Remember what is happening.

Reframe these trigger moments as opportunities to grow in trust. Consider the concept that a trigger is about having one foot in the present and one foot in the past.  Typically, the trigger is not about what is happening now and is more about what your actions were then.  The trigger doesn’t necessarily carry an accusation with it, as much as it is a flashback to what happened in the past.  If there is some truth to the accusation, it does need to be addressed, and we’ll explore that later.

Listen.

Turn your attention toward your spouse and actively hear what they are saying.  It may help you to repeat their words back to them to ensure you understand, as well as clear up any misinterpretations or confusing communication.  This also helps your partner feel heard and have the opportunity to clarify their perspective. 

Contain the shame.

This is the most crucial component of this process for the addict.  Triggers stir up shame because shame comes with facing the reality of the harm caused by your addictive behaviors.  In fact, shame often contributed to addiction in the first place, as the addiction was a way to self-medicate against the pain of shame.

Addicts defend against shame in a multitude of ways.  You might deny your addiction altogether, avoid reminders of the harm done by your addiction, focus more on the future than the past, or even repress or forget moments from the addiction.  All of these options deny your personal responsibility, which can lead your betrayed partner to feel minimized. 

In order to respond to your betrayed partner with empathy, you need to contain your experience of shame by separating your identity from what you have done.  You need to remind yourself that you are not your addiction.  This is work that can be done in therapy or with your sponsor in 12 Step. The ultimate goal is to take responsibility and remember that a trigger is not a threat to who you are. 

Validate the pain of the past.

Connect with your spouse by acknowledging the reality of betrayal they faced at your hands and the hands of your addiction.  Key phrases for this step include words like, “Of course you would feel that way” and, “It makes sense why you would feel _____ based on my past behaviors.” 

Incorporate empathy here if you can.  Words like, “That really stinks” or, “I’m so sorry you have to go through that, it sounds really hard” can be helpful here as well.  A combination of validation and empathy will go far in defusing the tension of the trigger.

Examine your own behavior and apologize if needed.

Self-reflect to see if the trigger your betrayed partner is experiencing is based in anything for which you can take responsibility.  A trigger like passing a billboard or going on work travel aren’t necessarily your responsibiilty, so this may be a situation to simply validate and share empathy.

On the other hand, triggers related to emotional manipulation in arguments, not following through on promised actions, or inappropriate behavior with a member of the opposite sex likely require an apology.

In a more subtle direction, it is important to apologize for safeguards that could have been in place to protect against this trigger.  For example, perhaps the two of you agreed to make a plan before travel to connect during the trip and you failed to do so.  Or you’ve committed to taking responsibility initiating date nights or weekly recovery check-ins, but you haven’t been consistent in following through on those commitments.  Own your actions that set up an environment for a trigger.

Answer their questions.

See if your spouse has any follow-up questions to the trigger, particularly if it involved direct action or inaction on your part.  Answer these questions as openly and honestly as you can.  Remember that any deception here will come back to hurt you when the truth eventually gets revealed, as it inevitably will.

Rebuild trust in the moment.

Ask your partner if there is anything you can do to rebuild trust in the moment.  Physical touch may be a good way to increase connection, if the partner desires it.  They may also have a request for a date night or other shared activity as a way to connect emotionally and relationally.  They may have a request to create a new agreement around the trigger for the future.

A Plan For the Partner

Breathe.

Just as the addict in this situation needs to slow down and connect to their body, the same is true for you. Intense emotions that accompany triggers can either take you completely out of your body or overwhelm your body with emotion.  This is true for anyone facing trauma flashbacks.  Practicing a centering or grounding breathing exercise can help you slow down enough to observe what is happening in your mind and body. 

Reach out for support.

Get in contact with some of the support individuals in your life who know about your betrayal trauma recovery and ask for encouragement or a listening ear.  A source for this support might come from a women’s support group, your therapist, or a close friend who is empathetic and supportive in your recovery.  If you don’t have this support in place, now might be a good time to look for resources in your area or online that you can rely on the next time you face a trigger like this one.

Avoid the impulse to safety-seek.

Triggers that remind you of the addict’s past behaviors can throw you into repetition of the panic, fear, and hypervigilance of the early days after discovery.  Safety-seeking behaviors include actions such as compulsively searching through your spouse’s internet search history, phone contacts, or emails.  It could be manipulating your conversations with them to try to get them to slip up and say something incriminating.

Hallmarks of safety-seeking behaviors are that they are secretive, often carry shame with them, are attempts to feel like you have all the information and are in control, and usually make you feel worse instead of better.  Instead of choosing these destructive patterns, lean into supportive self-care until you are able to have a conversation with a support person or with your spouse.

Approach your spouse with the talking formula.

When you feel affected by a trigger and it feels appropriate to do so, talk about it with the addict using this format: “When I heard/saw [the trigger], what went through my mind was [thoughts] and I felt [emotion word].”

Feel free to ask questions or confirmation about their behavior.  For example, if it would help you to have more information, you might ask, “Would you be willing to share more about what was going on that day?”  Or if you need reassurance of their recovery, you might say, “It would be helpful to be reminded of your recovery plan. Can we go through that together again?”

Make a request for a change in behavior, if needed.

Identify if you would like to approach future trigger moments differently as a result of what you learned from this one.  Adapting your plan can involve both a joint discussion and an individual reflection.  You might ask your partner, “Could we make a plan together for situations like this in the future?”

You can also identify relationship patterns that you’d like to change if they were involved in the trigger.  For example, instead of emotional withdrawal and detachment, you could request that your partner remain present or plan a time to come back together to discuss an issue. 

Practice self-care.

Riding on the roller-coaster of a trigger is not an easy process.  It can be emotionally and physically exhausting to both experience a trigger and to process it in the aftermath.  Practice activities that are self-soothing and bring a sense of peace and calm to your physical body.  Utilize your resources of support to help you process through the conversation you had with your partner.  Regardless of what happens in the conversation with your spouse, you can still care for and validate yourself.

Understanding the Nature of Addiction: Task 2 in Carnes' 30 Task Model of Addiction Recovery

At this point, you’ve been propelled into recovery through a crisis of decision.  You may have faced a rock bottom moment, like an STD or a spouse’s discovery of your behaviors, that led you to begin to break through denial and admit that you have a problem outside of your control.

But when you begin your journey of recovery from addiction, chances are you are unfamiliar with the specifics of the illness with which you are dealing.  Even though you have plenty of experience living out addiction, you probably don’t know much about the underlying causes of what you’re going through. 

Task 2: Understand the Nature of the Illness

In this task, you will learn more about sex and love addiction, including common symptoms, information about how addiction forms, and patterns it follows.  If you are facing sex and love addiction, there are several different manifestations of addiction that you will come to understand through Patrick Carnes’ ten types of behavior, a categorization system created to describe the significance of varied areas of sexual acting out behavior.

Learning about the mechanics of addiction can answer many of your “why” questions, like “why is it so hard to stop?” or “why do I keep coming back to this?”  As you explore addiction, you’ll learn about neurochemistry and how process addictions (those that involve a behavior rather than a substance like drugs or alcohol) work in the brain.

You may also find connections between your personal history and your present-day addiction.  Abuse and neglect are common factors in many addicts’ histories.  Sexual development is often disrupted, leading to a faulty understanding of healthy sexuality.  Even without an obvious history of abuse or neglect, you may uncover messages communicated to you about yourself, your body, or sex. Critical life events that had an impact, like an unexpected death or illness in the family, or your family’s culture and structure may have inadvertently contributed to your addiction.

Feelings of isolation and loneliness are common in addiction, as you don’t know many others who have felt the ways you have in addiction. Getting connected to other addicts, hearing their stories, and recognizing the patterns of your own addiction that match up with theirs can help you feel less alone.

Practical Steps for Task 2

Read!

Gather information about your addiction by reading and researching more about it.  While the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders 5th Edition (DSM-5) does not utilize sex and love addiction as a diagnosis, you can compare your experience with the DSM-5 criteria for substance use disorders, as in alcohol use disorder.  Learning from books, listening to podcasts, or reading articles from trusted sources can all help you see stories of addiction that mesh with your experience.  It can also explain some of the symptoms you’ve experienced but not fully understood.

Here are a few books I would offer as a starting place for reading and learning more:

• Out of the Shadows by Patrick Carnes

• Sex Addiction 101 by Rob Weiss

• No Stones: Women Redeemed from Sexual Addiction by Marnie Ferree

• Ready to Heal: Breaking Free of Addictive Relationships by Kelly McDaniel

• Facing Love Addiction by Pia Mellody

• Facing the Shadow by Patrick Carnes

• The Green Book of Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous

• The SLAA Basic Text

Similarly, here are a few informational articles I’ve put together about sex and love addiction:

• Is This Normal or Do I Have a Problem? Six Questions to Ask Yourself If You Think You Might Be a Sex and Love Addict

• Addicted to Love: Signs You Might Be Struggling with Love Addiction

• The Seduction of Fantasy: Why Your Obsession with Romance Could Signal Sex and Love Addiction

• Hooked on Porn? How Your Online Sexual Activities Might Hint at Sex and Love Addiction

• How Sex and Love Addiction Impacts Your Brain

• The Effects of Sex and Love Addiction on Your Brain and Body (and How to Change It!)

• 5 Lies Female Sex and Love Addicts Believe

• Romance, Objectification, and Trauma: Why I Treat Female Sex Addicts Differently From Men

• A Dangerous Spiral: The Cycle of Addiction in Sex and Love Addicts

• How Do Christians Deal with Sex and Love Addiction? A Christian Therapist’s Perspective

• Understanding the Role of Stages of Change in Recovery

Review and personalize the cycle of addiction.

In several of the materials listed above, you can find information about the cycle of addiction.  Review the steps involved with a particular focus on preoccupation/fantasy, ritual, acting out behaviors, and despair.  See if you can identify how each of these steps manifests for you.

What were the first triggers that got you thinking of your compulsive sexual behaviors?  What was on your mind while you were fantasizing or preparing to act out?  What behaviors prepare you to act out?  What form did the acting out take?  How did you feel afterward?

If you have multiple different forms of compulsive sexual behavior from which you are seeking healing (eg. pornography use and engaging in affairs), create a separate cycle for each of those forms of acting out.

Identify the function of your fantasies.

As you focus on the fantasy component of the cycle, ask yourself: how does your fantasy work to propel your addiction forward?  What types of situations or scenarios do you fantasize about?  What need are they meeting?  Don’t limit this exploration to sexual fantasies, but include non-sexual fantasies, such as a career you’ve dreamed about, for similar themes.

Often fantasies reveal an underlying need that has gone unmet in the past or is currently unmet by your lifestyle.  If your initial thought about your need is for “more sex,” identify what sex represents to you and why you feel you need more of it, as that might get you closer to a core need. 

If you’re still having trouble getting to the deeper need, connect with a therapist or trusted mentor, like a sponsor, to help you uncover any underlying desires that might be at play. 

Learn about sexual anorexia and the binge-purge cycle.

Often addiction can go unnoticed because it is coupled with sexual anorexia, forming a cycle of bouts of sexual behaviors followed by avoidance and fear of sex.  Sexual anorexia is, simply put, “an aversion to being sexual” (Carnes, Facing the Shadow).  Sexual anorexia involves intentionally depriving yourself of sexuality in order to avoid the discomfort or pain that it brings up, often due to past abuse or negative messaging about sex.

Addicts can be both addicted and anorexic at the same time.  For example, an addict who uses pornography daily but avoids sex with his spouse is exercising both sexual addiction and anorexia.  It can also appear in a binge-purge pattern of use, where an addict binges by acting out frequently over a short period of time, followed by a long stretch in which they avoid sexual behaviors or thoughts.

If you relate to this description of sexual anorexia, Patrick Carnes has written an in-depth book on this issue entitled Sexual Anorexia: Overcoming Sexual Self-Hatred which may be worth a read to help you understand. 

Review and list the consequences of addiction you’ve experienced.

As you read, you’re likely to learn about impacts of sexual behaviors of which you weren’t aware previously.  Perhaps you had some problems in your life that you didn’t realize were connected to addiction, but you’re noticing their connections after learning about the symptoms.  Facing the Shadow has some helpful exercises related to exploring these consequences more deeply.

Identify common factors with others in recovery.

While one of the most important first steps in breaking through denial is joining a group and finding accountability with other recovering addicts, you can also understand the illness of your addiction more fully as you listen to the stories of others and identify stories that line up with your own.  Though you may have vastly different manifestations of acting out or consequences to your behavior, look for the common factors you share.  These factors might have nothing to do with addiction on the surface but might include such historical information as a rigid family upbringing or a lack of adequate education on healthy sexuality.

Create a timeline of your sexual history.

Consider your own sexual development.  What were some of the key sexual experiences you had throughout your life?  Break this timeline down into time periods, such as childhood, early adolescence, late adolescence, young adulthood, middle adulthood, etc.  Your timeline may include abuse or harmful experiences, but it can also include more positive or neutral moments as well.  You can use defining events (eg. going to college, getting married, losing a job) as timeline markers, particularly if they had a significant influence on the progression of the addiction.

Reflect back on the messages you received about sex growing up.  Were you given adequate sexual information?  Was anything left out?  How were sex or sexual matters discussed in your household?  Some of the messages about sex you received may be indirect.  Perhaps your parents never had a conversation with you about the birds and the bees, but you picked up your knowledge of sex from peers or porn.  Maybe TV shows, cultural norms, or images depicted in pornography had an influence on your view of sex. 

Include how you came to understand your masculinity or femininity.  Often we receive messages from similar sources (parents, media, peers) about what it means to be a man or a woman, which can teach faulty messages that contribute to addiction.  Addiction itself can also teach distorted messages about men and women.  Abuse is another factor that can impact this messaging, so be aware of any influences from that arena. 

Share this timeline with someone else.

In the same vein as sharing with a sponsor or trusted friend about your addiction, as mentioned in task 1, once you’ve compiled this timeline of sexual behaviors, go over it together with a sponsor, mentor, therapist, or trusted friend.  Opening up to someone who you trust to be able to receive and listen to your story without judgment is a necessary part of recovery.  Ask for feedback or themes that they notice of which you might not be aware.

This is great preparation for sharing your First Step with a sponsor or in the context of a 12 Step meeting.  Understanding your personal history and how it applies to your story of addiction can lead to significant insight into how your addiction functions.

Uncovering the Truth About Your Codependence: A Review of Facing Codependence by Pia Mellody

The words “codependency” and “codependent” are becoming more commonly used to describe a person who has an intense drive toward people-pleasing, often to their own detriment.  Increasing numbers of therapists are advertising themselves as experts on codependence, and individuals are self-identifying with the team more readily.  But what does this term mean? 

Pia Mellody, the author of Facing Codependence, defines codependence as a series of symptoms that indicate an intense focus on controlling relationships and a lack of awareness of the self, both of which have likely been perpetuated by abusive situations in the past.  These symptoms include difficulties with, “experiencing appropriate levels of self-esteem, setting functional boundaries, owning and expressing their own reality, taking care of their adult needs and wants, and experiencing and expressing their reality moderately.”

While codependence is a common topic in addiction recovery circles, I believe that many people, including addicts, recovering partners, and those without an addiction history may struggle with some forms of codependency perpetuated by their experiences in family-of-origin or even in our culture as a whole.

In Betrayed Partners

Codependence has been used synonymously with “co-addiction,” proposed to be the illness partners of addicts experienced as an addiction to their addicted partner.  Fortunately, there has been a movement away from this labeling, as it can inadvertently blame the betrayed partner for the addict’s behavior.  Yet for many individuals whose behaviors led them to be labeled as “co-addicts,” more subtle forms of codependence were likely at play.  Codependence symptoms such as low self-esteem, difficulty moderating emotions, and trouble maintaining appropriate boundaries can all show up in traumatized partners.

While not all betrayed partners are also codependents, the symptoms associated with codependence can exacerbate the experience of pain and trauma of being betrayed.  The origins of codependence symptoms originate in family-of-origin trauma and painful experiences in childhood.  It may be helpful for partners to explore the symptoms of codependence and discern whether or not they occur and/or have roots in family-of-origin trauma.

In Addicts

Addicts are likely to have codependence as a factor that led them to addiction in the first place.  Often addicts have a history of abuse or trauma, which leads to maladaptive coping through addiction.  In order to deal with the pain of the past trauma, addicts turn to their drug of choice, masking the intolerable reality of the abuse they experienced.  In sex addiction, for example, sexual connection is used to manage this emotional state, which inhibits true intimacy and creates an unhealthy dependence on sexual experiences to feel “okay.” 

Symptoms of codependence that are relevant to addicts include difficulty setting boundaries, inability to meet needs and wants in healthy ways, and difficulty owning and expressing their own reality.  These can show up in deception and denial.  Boundarylessness leads to justification of their actions.  Sometimes self-esteem issues can show up as arrogance or grandiosity instead of low self-esteem, which fuels addictive behavior through entitlement and minimization.

What about you?

Do you struggle with codependency?  Whether you are an addict or betrayed partner, it may be beneficial to review common symptoms of codependency in a codependency assessment or through reading Pia Mellody’s book Facing Codependence. 

Facing Codependence

Pia Mellody’s extensive research in treating codependency, as well as her own experience recovering from it, has equipped her well to share information about codependence and the first steps toward healing.  Facing Codependence includes practical information about the disease and wraps up with where to start in recovery.  It incorporates awareness of how codependence correlates with addictive behaviors, and how recovery programs can help.  She normalizes the experience of codependency through many examples, both personal and clinical.

Often one of the hardest tasks for codependents is facing up to their past.  One element that they find challenging is labeling parents’ or others’ behaviors as “good” or “bad.”  However, Mellody’s facilitates this exploration through encouraging the label of “functional” and “dysfunctional” behaviors instead.  She also addresses misgivings people have about calling their parents to account for their mistakes because they need to defend or minimize their own mistakes with their children.  Instead, Mellody tells codependents that the best gift they can give their children is working their own personal recovery, and that without acknowledging their own hurt, they will be unable to create lasting change in their families.

“In a functional family the members know that EVERYBODY is imperfect.”

— Pia Mellody

While this book doesn’t get into a full recovery program, it does offer some beginning steps and points toward an additional resource Mellody has put out, a companion workbook called Breaking Free.

Why I Recommend This Book

More comprehensive review of symptoms of codependence

As listed earlier, the symptoms of codependence include difficulty with appropriate levels of self-esteem, setting boundaries, owning your own reality, meeting wants and needs appropriately, and expressing reality moderately.  Mellody gives deeper descriptions of these symptoms with in-depth explorations of their consequences and origins.  She also explores experiences that hint at these symptoms, such as high intensity of emotion or complete lack of emotion, as signs of codependence.

Understanding these symptoms can be incredibly normalizing for you, as you explore how they developed and know that you are not alone in facing them.

Includes less-than-nurturing experiences

To further normalize your experience, Mellody broadens the definition of abuse to include any “less-than-nurturing” behavior your family or others may have displayed.  This helps those who haven’t had any serious or extreme abuse understand the presence of their codependence symptoms.  Mellody includes not only signs of overt abuse, but also neglect or other covert abuse behaviors that may have been at play.

For many people, taking a critical look at their family-of-origin and harm they may have experienced is nearly impossible, as they prefer to believe they had a “normal” or “good” childhood.  This is where the language of functional and dysfunctional behaviors comes in handy, rather than labeling them as “good vs. bad” behaviors. 

“...looking at our histories, identifying the specific incidents about which we had our original overwhelming feelings, and finding a way to own and release those feelings can bring freedom from the sabotaging cycle that makes our lives so unmanageable and painful.”

— Pia Mellody

Prepares you to explore your own history

In advance of outlining various types and examples of abuse, Mellody warns the reader about defense mechanisms that arise to protect against facing up to the reality of what happened to us.  Exploring these defense mechanisms first encourages more openness to understanding where your story fits within these categories. 

She names and defines such defenses as denial, minimization, repression, and dissociation and expresses how they protect you from facing the realities of your past.  This prepares you to delve into your own history with awareness of how you might protect yourself against looking at the truth.

Encourages exploration of your story

Mellody describes five different categories of abuse: physical, sexual, emotional, intellectual, and spiritual abuse.  In these chapters, she gives a variety of examples and invites you to consider your own experience in comparison.  She emphasizes the need to explore this history, not as a way to dump all the blame onto your past, but to allow parents or caregivers to be accountable for their actions, as well as encouraging your own accountability for present-day behaviors.

Mellody identifies how these less-than-nurturing experiences have influenced your feelings of shame, motivated by what she calls the “shame core.”  Shame can be helpful in that it reminds us of our imperfections and fallibility.  But when caregivers act in shameful or abusive ways toward children and don’t take accountability for those actions, they can pass along that shame as “carried shame” into children, leading to repetition of abusive patterns.

An interesting claim Mellody asserts is that all abuse is spiritual abuse because of the impact it has on relationship with God, or a Higher Power.  For those who are Christian, this can be an eye-opening experience of why it has been difficult to trust God or believe certain truths about Him.  Also, for those in recovery, it can explain why surrendering to a Higher Power feels impossible.

First steps to recovery

In the last chapter of the book, Mellody lays out some basic, practical tools to get started in your recovery journey.  These early steps include such actions as getting involved in a 12 Step group, finding a sponsor, working the 12 Steps, and finding a counselor with an understanding of codependence.  While this isn’t a comprehensive recovery plan, she does point to the companion workbook Breaking Free to provide a more in-depth approach.

Getting involved in a supportive recovery community and using resources to work through the 12 Steps can help you put action steps into practice that will actually change your experience.  This will allow you to begin to set healthy boundaries, which are essential to recovery from codependency.  Your work in these groups will also encourage and help you to look for ways to re-parent yourself so that you can change the ingrained patterns of thought and behavior from the trauma.

Pia Mellody’s Facing Codependence is a great starting point that I would recommend to identify and begin to explore your own codependence, as well as point you in the direction of some tools and resources to continue on your journey of healing.

Breaking Through Denial: Task 1 in Carnes' 30 Task Model for Addiction Recovery

What do you do after you realize you have a problem with sex and love addiction?  Maybe you’ve been found out by a spouse or significant other, and you know you need to get help.  Perhaps you’ve had legal or financial consequences that put you in a position to make some serious changes.  You may have even begun therapy with a counselor to address your addictive behaviors.  But what does treatment for sex and love addiction look like?

The 30 Task Model

Dr. Patrick Carnes, the pioneer in research and literature on sex addiction, designed his treatment model centered around 30 essential tasks to recovery.  These 30 tasks are broken into three sections: early recovery tasks, long-term recovery tasks (internal and external), and relational/family recovery.  He explores the first seven of these tasks in his workbook Facing the Shadow, while the next set of tasks is outlined in the follow-up books The Recovery Zone 1 & 2.

While all thirty of these tasks need to be addressed during the 3-5 year period of recovery from addiction, they aren’t necessarily completed in order.  You may find yourself working on spirituality (task #30) while you’re in the early stages of learning more about addiction (task #2) and establishing sobriety (task #5).  Or you may find that, several years into your recovery, you need to break through denial (task #1) about a new area of addiction that has replaced your sexual acting out (task #8).  Or while you’re working on your marriage relationship (task #27), you’re also grieving the losses your addiction has created in your marriage (task #12).

The 30 tasks don’t directly correlate with the 12 Steps, they share much of the same DNA.  For example, task #3 (surrender to the process) is very similar to what you’d find in Step 2 and Step 3.  In fact, task #7 (participate in a culture of support) is implemented through involvement in support groups and 12 Step programs.

The 30 Task Model can give you a roadmap to follow in treatment for sex and love addiction.  They can also be a helpful reference point when you’re in the middle of recovery and looking for what’s next or when you find yourself getting off track.  I’ve used them in sessions with clients as a means to define our goals together and as a self-assessment to identify potential areas for continued growth. 

In this series, we’ll take an in-depth look at each of the 30 tasks in Carnes’ model and explore some of his recommended activities (as well as a few of my own) for addressing this task or returning to it later in recovery.  Kavod Psychotherapy created a reference diagram briefly describing each of these 30 tasks.  More information on the tasks can be found in Facing the Shadow, The Recovery Zone series, or the Recovery Start Kit, all created by Dr. Patrick Carnes. 

Task 1: Break Through Denial

The essential starting point for any addict in recovery is the shift in thinking from “I don’t have a problem” or “this isn’t a big deal” into facing the reality of the presence of addiction and its destructive power in your life.

To put the label of “addiction” on your behaviors can be challenging, as we often associate addiction with moral failure or flaws.  Denial allows you to avoid a sense of shame or guilt about these behaviors.  Labeling behaviors as addiction also compels you to change, while denial can justify or minimize the impact of your behaviors.

Often the first call to break through denial comes when a loved one, like a spouse, finds out about your compulsive sexual behaviors.  This often begins the process of therapy and support.  Sometimes you’ve experienced a sense of guilt or being unable to stop that you’ve been aware of, but there isn’t any motivation to make a change until you hit that crisis point. 

Practical Steps for Task 1

Take an addiction-related assessment.

When you begin working with a Certified Sex Addiction Therapist (CSAT), they’ll typically encourage you to take one of a few different types of assessment to compare your symptoms and behaviors to a norm.

One is a quick inventory that you can take on your own: The Sexual Addiction Screening Test, or SAST.  This compares responses from a non-addicted population to a population of self-reported sex addicts.  This way, you can see whether or not you fall within range of normal behavior or addictive behavior. 

If your scores from the SAST put you in range of addictive behavior, you may be asked by your therapist to take a Sexual Dependency Inventory (SDI).  This is a much more extensive assessment that helps you clarify the form your addiction takes, as well as various additional measures that identify potential roots for the addiction.  Some of the questions for this particular assessment are found in the Facing the Shadow book in Chapter 3, so you can review those on your own if you choose.

Another alternative is to compare your experience of compulsive sexual behaviors with the criteria for addiction listed in the DSM-5.  While there isn’t yet a diagnostic category for sexual addiction in the DSM, you can use the same criteria as alcohol or drug use disorder and simply replace the substance listed in the criteria with compulsive sexual behaviors.

Write out any problems or consequences you’re experiencing.

Make a list of any problems you’re facing in your life, whether they are obviously addiction-related or not.  Often problems seem unrelated to the addiction, but their solutions can be influenced by the time and energy the addiction takes.

Examine your list to identify which of these are either directly caused by or intensified by your compulsive sexual behaviors.  Include not only physical consequences you may have had as a result of the addiction but also emotional and spiritual consequences.

Make a list of the secrets you are keeping and from whom you are keeping them.

Addiction thrives in secrecy.  One major way to break through denial is to identify where that secrecy is taking place.  This deception can be about major things, like hiding your compulsive sexual behaviors for fear of rejection or pain.  But they can also be about minor things, like finding yourself compulsively lying or hiding aspects of who you are as a person.

Take note of these, as well as from whom you’ve been hiding them.  Notice if there is anyone in your life who knows everything.  If not, be curious about why that is.  If you run into a pattern of presenting a different person in different contexts, explore what might be influencing that behavior. 

Recognize the “stinkin’ thinkin’” of addiction.

Denial exists primarily in our minds as a way of interpreting our behaviors and our thoughts.  It can show up as making excuses, minimizing, justifying, feelings of entitlement, blame-shifting, taking on the victim role, and many others.

Begin to recognize the beliefs you have that allow you to continue on in your addiction.  Utilize resources such as this article to identify different types of beliefs that might show up in your denial.

Sometimes these beliefs are so strong that they’re hard to label as denial.  Understanding delusion and self-deception can help make sense of these thoughts and place them into the correct category.

Tell the whole story to someone.

Once you’ve sorted through how denial functions to protect you from facing the reality of your addiction, now you can work against that denial by sharing your story of addiction with a safe and trusted person.  This person could be your therapist, sponsor, pastor or spiritual mentor, or a close friend who has offered understanding and empathy when you’ve talked about difficult things in the past.  It may be helpful to write a letter or narrative to help you express your thoughts and ensure that you are as honest as possible.

Many 12 Step programs encourage you to share this information in your First Step.  You might share parts of your story with a group during a regular meeting or present your First Step as a whole to the group.  Telling another sex and love addict in recovery can be helpful, particularly in a group setting. They will know how and when to challenge you, as they can relate to the experience in a unique way.

Obviously, it can be challenging to work up the courage to share your First Step with the group in a way that feels supportive and kind to yourself. Get connected to a sponsor or other support individual and share with them first before you do so in a more public form.  In the meantime, listen to others’ First Steps to consider what pieces of your story relate to theirs.

Check your story with others.

The way we perceive the world, especially when it comes to our own actions, isn’t always the way others see it.  If you’re wondering about the impact of your behaviors and you feel able or comfortable to do so, ask others.  Similarly, you can observe when others in your group talk about the impact of their addiction on their loved ones and draw connections to how your loved ones may be feeling.

If you are married or in a significant relationship with another person, you may go through a formal disclosure process at some point.  As part of the disclosure, your loved one will read you an impact letter they’ve written that describes how they have felt as a result of your addiction.  This can be a helpful experience to come back to as a reminder of the reality of the pain caused by your behaviors. 

Repeat.

Keep coming back to these components of breaking through denial at each stage of your recovery.  You might find the stinkin’ thinkin’ re-emerges when you’re about to face a new challenge to your sobriety.  At around 6-8 months of sobriety, you may become overconfident and observe some of these denial patterns coming back in again.

Create and add to a list of beliefs that push you into addiction, denial statements, entitlement, and excuse-making statements so you can continue to recognize those thought patterns when they come up.  The more you are able to recognize and be on guard for this denial, the more likely you will be to catch it and redirect into your recovery.

The Role of Self-Deception in Addicts and Betrayed Partners

One of the most important steps toward recovery in sex and love addiction is getting honest about your addiction.  In the 12 Steps, Step 1 and Step 4 both involve admitting you have a problem and taking a fearless moral inventory of your behaviors.

Deception in relationships with others is one of the most obvious indicators of addiction, including hiding behaviors from your spouse or partner, secretly using at work, or doing whatever you can to mask the problem from your family or friends.

The outward deception characteristic of addiction is often fueled by an inner self-deception.  The addictive behaviors often do not fit with what you want to believe about yourself, and so you justify them, explain them away, or just live in complete denial of their impact.

Self-deception not only happens for the addict, but it can also be present in betrayed partners reeling from the discovery of addiction.  Sometimes self-deception happens before discovering the addiction, as partners can sense intuitively that something is wrong but ignored warning signs.  Other times self-deception happens after discovery as partners seek to make sense of the fact that their loved one and primary adult attachment figure is also a source of great pain in their lives.

Types of Self-Deception

One common type of self-deception is shame-based hiding.  You don’t like what you’re doing to yourself or to others, so you’d rather hide than think about what that says about you.  This might be accompanied by shame-based core beliefs , such as “there’s something wrong with me” or “I’m not good enough.”

Another way to self-deceive is through being a “chameleon,” conforming to the expectations of others.  Essentially, you become whatever you need to be, depending on the person or situation you are in.  You may imitate other people to get what you want or manage the image others have of you.  Unfortunately, with time, this self-deception can lead you to lose a sense of your personal identity.

Creating confusion through chaos and distraction arises as another strategy of self-deception, particularly present in addiction.  An addict using this strategy can mask their addictive behavior, protecting their outlet for escape or relief from painful emotions.  This chaos takes on a life of its own with time as it alienates others and interferes with the structure needed in an addict’s life to work an effective recovery. 

All of these strategies are connected to denial of the presence or power of the addiction. Self-deception strategies can be fueled by denial or provide their own form of justification.

Why self-deceive?

A way to protect yourself from reality.

The truth, especially when addiction is involved, can be incredibly painful.  We don’t enjoy feeling pain.  Lying to yourself can create a buffer between you and the challenging reality such that you limit your experience of pain.  For a betrayed partner, this can be a way of coping with the seismic shift in reality that occurs once you discover the addiction. 

A way to support outward deception and image management.

Lying to yourself can make it easier to lie to other people and get away with it.  When you believe the lies yourself, you seem more convincing.  You may want to maintain the image others have of you, so you begin to lie to protect that image.  Shame about who you truly are propels you to present something different out of belief that others wouldn't like the real you, a feeling of not being good enough, or a host of other negative core beliefs about yourself.

A way to guard you from cognitive dissonance.

When your actions and your values don’t line up, this creates a threat to your identity.  We often cope with this type of cognitive dissonance by altering the way we think about our behaviors through self-deception.  We begin to justify, minimize, and rationalize what we do as a way to feel better about ourselves.  You may begin with some awareness that this is self-deception, but with time, the lies you tell yourself and others begin to feel true. 

Access to attachment and survival needs.

As humans, we have deeply rooted needs for love, acceptance, closeness, and intimacy that have been ingrained in us from our birth.  In particular, when our attachment needs as children were damaged through abuse, neglect, or lack of attunement from our parents, these needs grow even stronger and can take priority over values of honesty or integrity.  Fear of abandonment, loneliness, isolation, and rejection can feel crippling, so self-deception functions as a way to avoid that pain. 

A response to fear.

When we feel fear, our brains go into survival mode, kicking up our fight-or-flight response.  Perhaps in the past, honesty meant you would receive abuse in your family-of-origin.  Fear of separation or divorce can be terrifying for either the addict or the betrayed partner.  At the same time, fear of intimacy can lead to further hiding, as honesty is an invitation to closeness.  If intimacy and vulnerability were unsafe for you due to experiences of abuse or neglect, self-deception is a way to avoid that fear.

Why do we need to stop self-deceiving?

Self-deception leads to neurological changes in the brain.  When lying becomes a practice, our brains become conditioned to lie, such that we may find ourselves lying even when it is unnecessary.  Once this practice becomes rooted in neurochemistry, it becomes much more complicated to change, so catching self-deception as early as possible is important.

Self-deception also creates disconnection and separation in your relationship as you become unwilling to talk about your desires and needs.  Image management can come into play when you disagree with something and don’t believe that it is okay to disagree.  When there isn’t space to have conversations about what you need, both partners become unhappy, and this affects desire and attraction toward one another.

When self-deception has been common practice throughout a marriage or relationship, it creates broken trust and lack of respect.  Selfishness and power dynamics begin to take over and create a toxic dance that leaves both partners feeling dissatisfied and hurt.

The Way to End Self-Deception

Gain more self-awareness.

Start to do your own self-reflection through therapy and recovery work.  This can be a challenging process, as you will be asked to look more directly at the same and pain from which your self-deception has allowed you to hide.  It is important to maintain self-compassion during this stage, remembering that self-deception developed out of a protective instinct that served you in some way, but now is interfering with your life.

Practice honesty in small things.

When self-deception becomes ingrained, it can feel like second nature to lie about things that aren’t important.  Take steps to practice honesty about those small things.  Communicate smaller needs and work your way up to naming larger ones.  Take responsibility when you slip into a lie and go back to correct it.  Recognize your boundaries: you don’t have to use image management in an attempt to control others.

Create space for connection with others.

Offering connection to your partner or others directly addresses your attachment needs.  This can feel incredibly vulnerable, so couples counseling may be helpful in guiding you toward this practice.  You can regulate challenging emotions through physical connection with your spouse, like eye contact and touch that feels safe to you.  Practicing your ability to offer and receive empathy can also allow for a greater sense of connection.

Move toward greater authenticity.

As you grow in knowledge and understanding of yourself, you will be better equipped to express that knowledge and self-acceptance in relationships with others.  Self-reflection can help you learn new ways of dealing with painful emotions, including inviting others in to support you and offer empathy.

How to Rebuild Trust in the Aftermath of Betrayal

If you’ve faced betrayal in your marriage or long-term relationship, you know the devastation that broken trust creates.  Trust can be broken through affairs or infidelity, either sexual or emotional.  Sex and love addiction is a major factor that comes up in destroying trust in relationships.  Other addictions, secrecy around financial decisions, or secrecy around work can create similar experiences of broken trust.  But a common factor in all these cases is deception.   

Trust requires safety, and if your perception of reality is influenced by the lies or insincerity of another person, it becomes unsafe.  You might ask yourself questions like, “How will I ever know if my spouse is telling the truth?” or “How could I have fallen for their lies?” 

Shame also comes up for the betrayed partner.  You might be wondering if it’s your fault, blaming yourself for not being able to see the warning signs of the deception.  You might feel embarrassed and like a fool.  You might also be struggling with loneliness, as issues such as sex and love addiction can be difficult to share about with friends, or you can be protecting your spouse’s privacy.  Regardless, this shame is based on a distorted view of reality put forward by the partner who deceived. 

What should I expect in rebuilding trust?

Rebuilding trust is an incredibly slow process, and it requires patience and time to heal.  Usually, I notice impatience in couples who come into my office feeling stuck.  The partner who committed the betrayal is recovering more quickly than the betrayed partner.  They might be feeling relief due to the fact that they are no longer carrying the burden of the secret addiction, and they can finally get the help they need.

Meanwhile, the betrayed spouse is wrestling with the new information he or she has received.  They are trying to integrate this new truth into the months or years of deception that have taken place, rewriting the narrative of their lives.  They are trying to re-evaluate and re-integrate their whole world with this information.  At the same time, they are faced with making decisions about the future of the relationship.

How do we rebuild trust?

Have you ever built a sandcastle?  Some professional sandcastles can be beautiful, with turrets and sculpted carvings.

Think of your marriage like a sandcastle.  When the betrayal was discovered, it’s as if a giant tidal wave came and destroyed it.  Rebuilding trust involves moving sand back to rebuild that castle.  Some days it involves moving just one grain at a time, and other days you’ll move shovelfuls.  Sometimes, if the foundation is shaky or the wind from outside blows in a certain way, parts of the castle may crumble or topple and need to be built up again.

You likely won’t be building the same exact castle over again.  You’ll change parts of it to make it new and better.  Having learned from your previous experience, you’ll likely make a stronger foundation and more beautiful or intricate carvings.  You’ll consider how you will approach the marriage after the betrayal, which involves moving into a new phase that will be decidedly different from the pain that now colors the first part of your marriage.  

Rebuilding trust requires that both spouses have an active role in this process.  It is impossible for just one of you to be doing all the work.

THE DECEIVER’S ROLE

For the individual who has betrayed their spouse, the simplest way to rebuild trust is to continually match your words up with your actions.  The first step involves honesty.  You will need to be more truthful about your thoughts, emotions, and behaviors than you ever have before.  Allow your spouse access to private accounts and information.  Some spouses need this level of transparency and others don’t, but your willingness to offer it regardless of whether it’s needed or not rebuilds trust. 

Particularly in the case of sex and love addiction, formal disclosure of acting out behaviors is a major step in rebuilding trust.  In order to establish a foundation of trust before you move forward in the relationship, you will need to have a formal disclosure of all your behaviors with your spouse.  This is a major step of honesty that will lay the foundation for the other rebuilding actions to stick.

Each time you are honest about your behaviors in the future, you will move some sand back into that sand castle.  Every time you carry out an action you said you would, you build more trust.  When you are honest about difficult, negative emotions and responses, that builds trust even stronger, as it allows your spouse to see you take ownership of your feelings and actions. 

THE BETRAYED PARTNER’S ROLE

While it may seem that the action of change rests in the hands of the deceiver, the betrayed partner actually has a significant role in the trust-rebuilding process.  In order for trust to be built, the partner be willing to take the risk to trust.  You will (understandably) be self-protective and you won’t be ready to fully trust for quite some time.  In fact, if you were ready to trust immediately after discovering the betrayal, I would caution you against it!  But the long-term goal is to help you find ways of offering trust as the two of you heal.

When you first find out about the deception and broken trust, you ought to spend some time building up your network of support individuals and self-care so you can practice kindness toward yourself as you heal. Establish safety for yourself that isn’t dependent on your spouse’s behaviors, as they will certainly not be able to meet all your expectations at first.  Create boundaries as a way of seeing if your spouse is willing to change and adapt.

Once you’ve decided to move forward, take small risks to trust.  Acknowledge or praise your spouse when you see their actions and words lining up.  Choose to focus on the progress more frequently than the past betrayal, as it can be easy to lose sight of positive changes.  However, if the deception is still going on or if you haven’t seen actions on the spouse’s part to substantiate their commitment to rebuild trust, tread cautiously.

As mentioned earlier, rebuilding trust requires that both spouses take an active role.  But even if you do, you might feel like you keep hitting roadblocks that set you back.  When you are stuck and need a way to move forward, seek out couples counseling.  In counseling, you’re able to further discuss those areas of conflict in a way that creates change.  You’ll set goals together and consider how you’ll approach this new season of your marriage. 

This article was originally posted under the title of “How Do We Come Back From This? Rebuilding Trust in a Broken Relationship” on November 29, 2018.

Understanding the Role of Stages of Change in Addiction Recovery

It can be confusing to watch an addict make choices that seem self-destructive, continuing in patterns of behavior despite major consequences, unwilling to stop and make a significant change in their lives.

It’s even more bewildering to be in the midst of addiction yourself, facing fluctuating layers of willingness to change within yourself.  Some days you might feel ready to tackle whatever’s necessary to experience freedom from the addiction.  But a few hours later, you might find yourself justifying your behavior and explaining to yourself why it isn’t really that bad.  What gives?

The Transtheoretical (Stages of Change) Model

In 1970s and 1980s, James Prochaska and Carlo DiClemente developed the transtheoretical model to explore the mechanisms of change in problematic behavior patterns, including addictions.  Their model seeks to understand resistance to behavior change in many areas, ranging from eating habits to addictions.

The transtheoretical model has formed the foundation of a new approach to targeting addiction.  Often addicts are aware of a need to change and have begun to confront themselves, which can create shame surrounding their behaviors that backfires. Toxic shame creates lack of motivation and hopelessness.  Motivational interviewing, on the other hand, is a type of therapy that focuses on these mechanisms of change to help an addict in recovery understand how to take steps to move forward.

This shift in strategy involves a more personalized approach in treating addiction.  It helps you understand the effects of the addiction on your personal life and identify what needs to change from that perspective within the context of a vision for the future, rather than just making changes out of shame or a belief that you “should” change.

The Six Stages of Change

The transtheoretical model covers five main stages of change: precontemplation, contemplation, preparation, action, and maintenance.  When discussing addiction, we can add a sixth category, relapse, as an optional stage that often characterizes these attempts to change.  These stages are not necessarily linear, meaning you might jump forward and backward in the progression, but the path to recovery involves working through each to get to a place of long-lasting change.

Precontemplation

In this stage, you do not consider your behavior to be a major problem.  Instead, you are more focused on the benefits that come from engaging in the behavior.  Denial is running the show, characterized by shifting blame for problems onto others.

You are likely resistant to any confrontation or advice about changing your behavior in this stage.  Individuals in court-ordered therapy or rehab recommended by a family member or spouse often begin here.  Usually, an experience of consequences to behavior is what propels someone into the next stage.

Examples of Precontemplation Thoughts:

• “It’s not that big of a deal.  I’m not hurting anyone.  I deserve this.”

• “If my spouse/family member/friend just were more open and let me do my own thing, everything would be fine.”

• You may not notice any thoughts about the behavior at all.

Questions to Ask Yourself in Precontemplation:

• What problems am I experiencing in life?  How might my substance use/problematic behavior be contributing to these problems?

• What are the pros and cons of my behaviors?

• If I’m not experiencing consequences currently, what are possible consequences I could face in the future?

• What long-term negative outcomes could come from this behavior?

Contemplation

In the contemplation stage, you likely have begun to think about changing the behavior.  Usually, this is precipitated by some negative experience, such as consequences (like a DUI or STD diagnosis) or cognitive dissonance about differences between your values and your behaviors.  Ambivalence is a hallmark of this stage: you’re feeling strong desires both toward staying in the problematic pattern and changing the behavior.

Learning, gathering information, and understanding the addictive process are important in contemplation.  To move into the next stage, you need to increase your knowledge about addiction and recovery, even if you aren’t willing to make any major changes yet.  The shift into the next stage occurs when you begin to solidify your vision for the future.

Examples of Contemplation Thoughts:

• “I can see that this is a problem, I’m just not sure I want to change.”

• “Why stop something that feels this good?”

• “I’ll change someday, but I’m not ready to right now.”

Questions to Ask Yourself in Contemplation:

• What personal values am I violating by continuing in this behavior?

• How are the consequences I’m facing now affecting me and my future?

• What am I learning about addiction and recovery that fits with my experience?

• What are the costs and benefits of my behavior?

Preparation

The preparation stage involves planning an approach to change.  You are getting ready to implement the strategies you learned about in the contemplation stage, even though you might still not be ready to act on that plan.  Ambivalence is still present, but you are more willing to consider the work required to make a lasting change.

In preparation, you create a specific, structured plan for how you could change.  Even if you still have misgivings, you are beginning to rehearse in your mind the actions it would take to leave behind your pattern of behavior.  In recovery language, this is where you begin to “trust the process” and learn more about steps involved in recovery.

You might test the waters by attending a 12 Step meeting or support group, purchasing recovery-related books and resources, sharing your desire to change with others, seeking accountability, getting into individual or group therapy, or attending an inpatient or intensive treatment center.

Examples of Preparation Thoughts:

• “I can see that it’s possible to change, and I’m beginning to want it, but I’m not sure yet how I’m going to do it.”

• “I need a plan of action if I’m going to make any lasting change.”

Questions to Ask Yourself in Preparation:

• What kind of change would I like to make?  What are the steps to get there?

• What resources or social supports might I need to help me in this change?

• What are the triggers that influence me to use my substance/engage in my behavior?  How might I need to change behavior to limit these?

Action

Real change begins to happen in the action stage, as you put plans created during preparation into action.  This change may be drastic, or it can involve smaller, incremental changes.  While the first three stages are more internal and often don’t affect external behavior, others can see the change in this stage.

The action stage can be a stressful experience, so preparation must be done beforehand to address triggers with new, healthy coping mechanisms.  There is a distinct shift away from using addiction as a method to cope with stress or pain, instead choosing alternate ways of coping.   

Examples of Action Thoughts:

• “I have a plan, and I’m choosing to move forward even when I don’t feel like it.”

• “I am learning new ways to handle my stress.”

Questions to Ask Yourself in Action:

• What is my relapse prevention plan?

• What are alternate ways I can deal with stress?

• What’s working from my plan, and what do I need to adapt or change in my approach?

• What skills do I need to strengthen to maintain sobriety/change?

Maintenance

The maintenance stage is a continuation of the progress achieved in the action stage: regularly implementing your plans over time to create long-term change.  It requires reflecting back on the two previous stages (preparation and action) to clarify what’s working and what isn’t.  Without maintenance, the likelihood of relapse increases significantly.

Stress can arise in this stage, highlighting the importance of the stress management components of the action stage.  Other challenges come when you’ve had a period of abstinence or moderation of behaviors, as this can put your guard down and lead you to reduce supportive behaviors.  You may begin minimizing the consequences, as the high of the early parts of the action stage has worn off.  Maintaining the behaviors committed to in the action stage is essential for staying sober and committed to recovery without relapse.

Examples of Maintenance Thoughts:

• “One day at a time.”

• “My recovery process works if I work it.”

• “I need to keep moving forward in my plan, even if sometimes I don’t feel like it.”

Questions to Ask Yourself in Maintenance:

• What routine behaviors do I need to keep in place to avoid relapse?

• Where could I be opening myself up to the possibility of relapse, and how can I close those doors?

• How can I stay connected to the original vision for the future that motivated me to change this behavior?

Relapse

Slips and relapses do occur in addiction recovery.  Instead of fearing the possibility of relapse and descending into a spiral of shame if it happens, instead recognize relapse as part of the process of recovery.  At the same time, know that this stage is optional – it does not need to be part of the process if action is maintained through commitment to the maintenance stage.

When relapse occurs, it can propel you back into the precontemplation or contemplation stage of your process of change.  To leverage relapse to benefit your recovery process, use the experience to solidify your understanding of what recovery means and your commitment to the process of change you’d like to make.

Examples of Relapse Thoughts:

• “Yes, I did the behavior I’ve been abstaining from, but was it really that bad?”

• “Acting out felt good, and I’m not sure I want to stop again.”

• “I don’t think this is a problem to do this, as long as I don’t do that.”

• “I can’t believe I did that.”

• “I’m back in my addiction, and I feel hopeless about getting out.”

Questions to Ask Yourself in Relapse:

• What do I need to review from the work in the contemplation, preparation, or action stages to remind myself of my vision for the future?

• What recovery-related behaviors do I need to recommit to?

• What wasn’t working about my approach that set me up for a relapse?

• What can I learn for the future as I continue to explore the impact of this behavior on my life?

Sources and More Information on the Transtheoretical Model:

• The Stages of Change Model of Overcoming Addiction - Verywell Mind

• The Stages of Change - Smart Recovery

• Brief Interventions and Brief Therapies for Substance Abuse - SAMHSA

Rediscover Your Self-Worth After Betrayal Trauma: Empower Your Future

When you’ve recognized the impact of your partner’s sex and love addiction on your sense of self-worth, it can be a challenge to identify how to break out of that trap.  You may feel stuck or powerless to change.  Your emotional landscape or confusing thoughts may make it difficult for the truth about your inherent worth and value to sink in.

We built the foundation of understanding the impact of betrayal trauma on self-worth by evaluating symptoms in Part 1 and reviewing reminders of what is true in Part 2.  Understanding the truth about addiction and trauma may be reassuring intellectually. But understanding might not change the way you feel, which is a major component of insecurity around your self-worth.  Today, we’ll explore how these insights can influence your behaviors such that your feelings of confidence begin to grow.

Acting “as if” as a pathway out of low self-worth

If you believed that your worth was inherent and not based on what others think of you, how might that change the way you interact with others?  If you believed that it was impossible to be “enough” for the addiction, how might that influence the way you relate to your spouse?  How might that create space for more self-care and boundaries?  As you answer these questions, begin to experiment with taking different actions that fit those changes in beliefs. 

Here are a few examples of potential applications if you acted “as if” these statements were true:

Attend a 12 Step meeting or support group.

If you believe that you are worth spending time with, it makes sense for you to reach out for social support.  Finding a safe place to talk about your doubts and hear others’ stories helps you know that you are not alone.  Outside help will both validate you and challenge you when needed. 

Begin personal counseling.

When you come to realize that the only person you can control is yourself and that you are worth caring for, you will be more likely to seek out professional help on how to do that.  You have a right to receive support and care in the process of moving through the trauma. Seeking out specialized counseling is a way to honor that right.

Release the burden of perfectionism.

If you’ve coped with feelings of failure or insecurity in the past by trying to keep your life together and be perfect, you might find the same patterns surfacing in your betrayal trauma recovery. Remember that your worth is not defined by how much you accomplish, by your status, or by your achievements.  Know that your worth is inherent and allows yourself to take a rest or ask for help.

Put your own needs first by practicing self-care.

Practice kindness toward yourself by recognizing the impact of the trauma of discovery and honoring your needs as a result.  Treat yourself how you would treat a friend if they were going through something similar.  Recognize your needs that aren’t being met and seek out healthy ways to meet them.

For many, self-care can be challenging because it contradicts beliefs that encourage you to put others before yourself.  However, in this case, re-centering on meeting your personal needs is necessary so that you can come into a place of serving and loving your family, spouse, and others more holistically in the future.  You can’t serve others from an empty shell of yourself.  You have to put on your own oxygen mask before you can help others.

Review your “bill of rights” and set healthy, supportive boundaries that affirm your worth.

In the fog that comes after discovery, you might be unclear about how to achieve a sense of safety and stability.  If you’re doubting your worth, you might not be aware of what you have the right to ask for to create a sense of safety in your marriage.  Resources like the “bill of rights” on Vicki Tidwell Palmer’s website, as well as her book Moving Beyond Betrayal, can help you identify what you have the right to ask for and begin to help you on the process of setting boundaries that honor your personal worth and value. 

Part of this process is recognizing legitimate rights related to your body. Acknowledging your right to say “no” to physical or sexual intimacy at any point and particularly in the early stages of recovery can honor your sexual self.

Explore your options.

Talk to your spouse about couples counseling or treatment, intensive opportunities, or other steps of support.  Seek out resources for legal and financial support if you are considering separating and want to pursue financial independence.  Read books and attend seminars on trauma and addiction to learn more about what you might be experiencing.  Seek out safe people in your life who can provide support and a listening ear.

Recognize your own patterns of denial.

Did you have a sense that something was off long before you discovered your spouse’s addiction?  Were there odd occurrences that you explained away or minimized because the thought that your partner might be an addict was too much to bear?  In a relationship without addiction, it makes sense to give your spouse the benefit of the doubt.  But when you discover addiction, rediscovering your intuition requires you to shift that pattern.

To better prepare yourself for future deception that may or may not occur, it is important to examine how your denial manifested itself: how did you explain away inconsistencies in behavior and words?  How have you taken on more of the blame for yourself rather than allowing the addict to own it? By exploring these thought patterns in yourself, you’ll begin to learn to trust your gut again. 

Connect the dots between past trauma and present-day emotional reactions.

Each betrayed partner has a different emotional response to the pain of the trauma.  These responses typically relate to your history: wounds from your family-of-origin, painful experiences in romantic relationships, or even trauma or abuse. 

Consider how the particular patterns of self-doubt you’re feeling are connected to insecurities that stem from your past.  Take the time to unearth longstanding patterns of self-talk that might be contributing to your lowered self-worth.  In this process, you may also uncover some dysfunctional patterns in relating that stem from your past experiences and begin to shift the way you connect with others.

Grieve the hurts without being consumed by them.

You will likely experience grief in waves that hit you for a time after the discovery of your partner’s addiction.  This grief can feel overwhelming and can lead you to a place of self-pity and hopelessness.  It can trigger shame and guilt and lead you further into doubting your self-worth. 

When you feel waves of grief threatening to overwhelm you, use that as an opportunity to acknowledge the reality of the circumstances that have contributed to the pain and redirect your attention to self-care and empowerment to change.  Accept the reality of what is outside of your control and commit to finding ways you can make changes that fit in alignment with your values. 

Recognize that sometimes doubt about self-worth masks the legitimate grief of finding out about the betrayal and having to make decisions about the future.  Staying in a place of self-doubt or shame can be a self-protective response, keeping you from having to face the hard realities of what comes next.

List your strengths.

Make a list of strengths you have which can uniquely help you to make it through this process of recovery.  If you have trouble writing a list, ask those in your support network, your family, or your friends to name strengths they see in you.  Take a strengths-based personality assessment to uncover which qualities of your personality will help you to get through this season.  Identify resources or strengths that you are growing and fostering to remind yourself that you have power to change what is within your control.