When a sex and love addict comes to the realization that they need help to stay sober, it can be a mystery of what to do next. By the time you’ve humbled yourself enough to admit you’re powerless, usually you’ve already tried to stop your behavior several times. This can take the form of forcing yourself not to act out, through white-knuckling, attempting aversion techniques, or even sometimes using self-harm as a deterrent.
But if you’ve been in this cycle of trying to stop on your own, you often find that you can’t help but go back to your addiction. The foundation of addiction is isolation, secrecy, and shame. You likely deal with feelings of shame by acting out, which cycles back in on itself to create more shame as you wonder why you can’t just stop.
What needs to change?
The first step in true healing for any addict is to get support from other people, such as in a 12 Step or support group. These groups encourage creating a sobriety plan as part of your recovery.
I often recommend the three-circle plan as a helpful sobriety tool to identify the behaviors you want to avoid and healthy self-care behaviors to increase. Not only does this plan provide that, but it also allows you to identify risk factors or warning signs of acting out.
The Three-Circle Plan
The image of a three-circle plan is three concentric circles. The inner circle is the list of behaviors from which you’re trying to maintain sobriety. The middle circle is your boundaries list, or a list of the risk factors, warning signs, or triggers that might send you into your inner circle. The outer circle involves healthy self-care behaviors that you can increase to help you avoid addictive behaviors.
Inner Circle Behaviors
Your inner circle behaviors, or abstinence list, is the list of activities from which you want to achieve sobriety in your recovery. These are the behavior checks you’d share at your 12 Step meetings or with your sponsor as a regular way to hold yourself accountable. For example, if you primarily act out using pornography, you will put “pornography” in this circle. If you have had several affairs, prohibiting “contact with acting out partners” may be more appropriate.
If you’re aware of your cycle of addiction, you know that there are some behaviors that inevitably lead to acting out for you. While these might eventually end up in the middle circle, it may be wise to put them in your inner circle in early recovery and revisit them once you’ve achieved some more solid sobriety.
There will be some behaviors you are hesitant to put into this inner circle because it means you will have to give them up. Notice the discomfort you have around those as a form of denial. Use your support system to help keep you in check on what needs to go in this circle.
Outer Circle Behaviors
I believe it is important to make your list of healthy self-care behaviors early in recovery, so we will turn to the outer circle now. Outer circle behaviors, or healthy self-care, are required to help you establish and maintain sobriety. Self-care helps you cope with withdrawal from the addiction and replace acting out with activities that are more healthy and nourishing. You can become much more sensitive to triggers when you aren’t practicing healthy self-care.
Make a list of activities you can to do take care of yourself. This can include such activities as therapy, going to your support groups, meeting with your sponsor, and doing 12 Step work. Focus on a few specific categories: physical, mental, emotional, spiritual, relational, and professional self-care. Recall hobbies or activities that you enjoyed or always wanted to try, but you haven’t been able to because of time spent on acting out. Think about things you used to love doing as a child and incorporate some of these into your present-day life.
Choosing to practice healthy self-care will literally help to re-wire your brain to reduce cravings and replace desire to act out with other enjoyable activities.
Middle Circle Behaviors
I save this section for last because the middle circle can be the most complex. Determining what belongs in your middle circle requires observing behaviors to see how your unique cycle of addiction works. Middle circle behaviors, or your “boundaries list,” are behaviors that are warning signs that you’re slipping back into your addiction. These can be triggers that happen unexpectedly or behaviors you’re walking into that are risky for you. Behaviors in your preoccupation/fantasy and ritual areas of cycle of addiction are often middle circle behaviors.
Ask yourself the question: what sets me up to act out sexually? Make a list of emotions you experience that can make you more susceptible to cravings. In AA traditions, the acronym “HALT” is used as a reminder to check for triggers if you’re feeling Hungry, Angry, Lonely, or Tired. I often add “bored” to this list as well. Identify risky behaviors you might need to put some boundaries around, such as using your computer late at night or driving past the strip club you used to frequent.
What triggers do you experience in your daily life? Common triggers include fights with a spouse, feelings of loneliness, or shame getting stirred up at work. When you find yourself experiencing triggers or engaging in the risky behaviors, it doesn’t carry the same severity of abstinence as the inner circle behaviors. However, it does require you to take a look at what you’re doing and run in the other direction toward your outer circle behaviors, seeking greater support along the way.
Implementing and Adding to the Three Circles
In general, your goal to maintain sobriety involves moving outward: avoiding the inner circle and directing your attention and focus on the outer circle behaviors. Notice that the outer circle is so much larger than the other two: this space allows you to put plenty of options in that circle to encourage you to live there as much as possible.
The natural slope of the addiction is to move inward instead of outward. As you notice yourself engaging in more middle circle behaviors or experiencing more triggers, the natural tendency is to move toward inner circle behaviors as a form of coping or escaping. However, recognition of this tendency means you now have the opportunity to lean in the other direction, focusing more on the outer circle behaviors as a healthier way to cope.
Continually add to and update this list. As you learn and grow through your recovery, keep adding self-care behaviors or coping strategies that are helpful for you. You can never have too many outer circle behaviors. Also, use your slips and relapse as an opportunity to learn more about your risk factors and needed boundaries. Identify what inner circle behaviors you might need to add and new middle circle behaviors or triggers.
Are you struggling to maintain your sobriety from sex and love addiction? Have you tried to white-knuckle it and force yourself to stop on your own with little to no success? Are you realizing your powerlessness over your addiction? At Restored Hope, I offer specialized counseling services to help you achieve freedom from sex and love addiction. Give me a call at 734.656.8191 or email me today to learn more and schedule your first appointment.