In an early season of the television show Grey’s Anatomy, Christina, one of the main characters, has to undergo a medical procedure. To do so, she needs to designate an emergency contact who can help her out if needed. (If you’re a fan of the show, you know which scene I’m referring to.) She writes down the name of Meredith, leading to an iconic phrase the show repeats through the seasons: “You’re my person.”
We all need our “person.” Or, in all honesty, our “people.” We need those who can support us and help when we’re facing crisis. But what if the biggest crisis you are facing is your own or your spouse’s struggle with sex and love addiction?
Maybe your spouse has just found you out and the behaviors you thought you could keep hidden from everyone are now coming to light. Maybe you’re on the other side, discovering your spouse’s addiction, and you feel isolated and alone because of the shame tied to revealing his or her secret to others. Having people to turn to and rely on when battling against sex and love addiction and trauma can be incredibly difficult, but it is essential for effective recovery.
Why is it so important?
For the Addict
We know that addiction thrives in secrecy, and accountability to others is a necessary component of maintaining sobriety. Fear of feeling ashamed or rejected can keep you quiet. But when you have people who know, they are more likely to hold you accountable for your actions because you’ll have to talk with them about it. Honesty with your therapist is a great place to start, but you’ll also need to talk to people you can access more easily when you’re experiencing craving or wanting to act out.
Speaking up about your addiction releases you from shame, paradoxically enough. When you hear others’ stories and find similarities with their experience, you know experientially that you’re not alone. Addiction is isolating because you can feel as though you’re the only one who struggles, and yet knowing others’ stories helps you rely on them for reassurance and validation when shame threatens to take over.
Talking to other individuals who have struggled in this area can be a helpful way to get feedback on what’s worked for them in their recovery. When you’re on your own, it’s difficult to know how to stop. But you can learn so much from people in recovery and notice your experience change as you integrate that new information.
For the Partner
Partners of sex and love addicts need to break through the feelings of isolation that come with discovery of a spouse’s addiction. The pain and agony of finding out can lead to feelings of sadness, anger, grief, fear, and hurt. These can be overwhelming when experienced on your own. You might feel guilt or fear about sharing about your spouse’s addiction with others because of how it reflects on you or your self-esteem. And yet you need to find a place where people can support you and help you not to feel so alone on this side of the trauma.
This support also allows you to have accountability for self-care and boundary setting. Sometimes hearing from others about their experiences setting boundaries with their addicted spouse can help you have a better picture of what boundaries feel right for you. These people can also connect with you if you’re having a hard day, listening to your difficult emotions or even offering practical help like taking care of your children. Talking to others can remind you of your right to stand up for yourself, give yourself a voice, and practice self-care.
Another reason for connection is to find a safe place for yourself. Lack of safety and stability in the home is a symptom that crops up often for partners in the wake of addiction. Triggers can send your mood swinging back and forth as you relive the past years of your life in light of the addiction. Finding a place where you can be with a friend or group on a regular basis can ease that burden by providing a consistent safe space in your life.
Sex and love addiction is an intimacy disorder often related to attachment wounds from earlier on in life. Partners in trauma may also experience triggers related to their attachment style.
Attachment is a word that describes your experiences with caregivers at a young age. These early attachments influence how you see others and the world around you, and they affect later relationships in life. If your parents or caregivers were comforting, nurturing, and responded to your needs such that you felt loved, you’re set up to have a secure attachment. But if your caregivers were unable to comfort and nurture you effectively, either by offering too much attention or not enough, you may have grown up with an insecure attachment style. This is common if your caregivers dealt with their own experiences of addiction, depression, anxiety, or other mental health struggles.
The good news is that these attachment styles aren’t permanent. You can “earn” secure attachment through involvement with safe individuals in your life who offer nurture and comfort to you through their relationship with you. Creating secure attachments in your adult life is a major reason why social support is so essential in the recovery journey for both the addict and their partner.
How to Find Support
12 Step Groups
12 Step groups are an effective starting place to find community with other people who understand what you’re experiencing. Find a group that’s a good fit for you by attending at least six times and seeing if you feel connected and supported. The best groups for sex and love addicts are Sex Addicts Anonymous (SAA), Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous (SLAA), and Sexaholics Anonymous (SA). If you’re local to Michigan, these fellowships are particularly active and have several meetings in the Ann Arbor area.
There are also 12 Step groups for partners of addicts to address their own trauma. COSA and S-Anon are great options for finding a safe place to talk about your experience and receive support. If you aren’t comfortable attending a group specific to sex and love addiction, or there aren’t options in your area, Al-Anon is another great resource as a recovery program for friends and family of alcoholics.
Church-Based Support Groups
Finding a support group at your local church is also a helpful option. If you’re a Christian, a church-based support group can be a helpful way to integrate faith into your recovery journey, as well as find support systems and accountability. Celebrate Recovery is a Christian 12-Step based program in churches around the country. In the Ann Arbor area, churches such as NorthRidge and Oak Pointe offer groups for addicts and partners of addicts.
Many therapists offer group therapy as an additional option for extra support in your recovery. There is often an extra layer of safety in these groups because they are run by therapists who maintain confidentiality and manage group dynamics.
As an addict, you may struggle with telling anyone you are close to due to the shame of how their opinion of you might change. But part of recovery involves coming clean in all areas of your life, including with people who are important to you. While early in recovery, identify the people who are safest for you: those who are least likely to judge you and who you would trust to hold you accountable or support you.
As a partner, safety is incredibly important, as you are likely experiencing intense emotions and may be deciding whether to stay or go in the relationship. Telling someone who’s going to bash your spouse or, alternatively, try to convince you to stay isn’t always helpful. Instead, look for people who would be supportive of you no matter what you decide and share with them. Consider your motivation to tell and the long-term ramifications of telling others.
In Intimate Treason, Claudia Black and Cara Tripodi recommend using the image of a stoplight to decide who might be safe to tell. Make a list of people you’d like to tell and rank them in terms of the three lights: red, yellow, and green. Green individuals are supportive, safe people who you can trust with just about anything. People in the yellow category may not feel safe to turn to for emotional support, but need to know for logistical reasons. Those in the red are people who are unlikely to be supportive, will toss around blame, or may minimize the behaviors. You might find, in this process, that family aren’t always safe to rely on emotionally at first, but may need to know for logistical reasons, such as when you are separating.
Have a conversation with your spouse and decide together who you will tell about the addiction and the corresponding trauma. For the addict, you might feel challenged and uncomfortable by being asked to share your story, but openness is key to recovery. For the partner, having a conversation allows you to feel free to talk to people without feeling guilt about telling your spouse’s story. For individuals who are in the “yellow” group listed above, write out a short script as a letter informing them of the necessary information without going into too much detail and agree upon this together before sending it or talking to them.
While recovering from addiction is one of the most painful experiences you will likely go through in your life, the gift of lasting and supportive friendships that can come from that experience is one that can’t be matched. Lean into this chance to build connection and community.
Are you feeling isolated and alone after finding out about your spouse’s addiction? Are you an addict who is struggling with feelings of shame and having a hard time opening up? Have you felt disconnected from others as a result of your struggle with trauma? At Restored Hope, I offer counseling services to help you work through the roadblocks that are in the way of recovering from addiction or trauma, including the experience of isolation and loneliness. Give me a call at 734.656.8191 or email me today to schedule your first appointment.