Coping With Betrayal Trauma Triggers as a Couple

When I work with couples who are recovering from sex and love addiction, one of the most common concerns is what to do when the betrayed partner gets triggered.  This is especially relevant when the addict has achieved sobriety and is working their program, but the betrayed partner continues to experience triggers. A trigger is a reminder in the present of the addict’s hurtful and addictive behaviors in the past.  Triggers can be accompanied by strong expressions of emotion that seem out of proportion to the present situation, flashbacks to the addict’s past behaviors, intense anxiety or fear, or a level of disgust toward the addict.

Triggers aren’t necessarily indicators that the addict has done anything wrong or broken their sobriety.  In fact, triggers will come up no matter how long the addict has been sober.  I often characterize triggers as having “one foot in the past and one foot in the present”.  Though the addiction may not be happening currently, the feeling aroused by the trigger is the same as if it were happening in the present.  They are a normal part of betrayal trauma recovery and broken trust that needs to be dealt with and healed in the relationship.

Types and Signs of Triggers

A trigger can be directly tied to the recovering addict’s behavior, but triggers can also be environmental.  Triggers tied directly to the addict might be observing their interactions with the opposite sex, seeing your partner hide something on their phone or computer, or your spouse arriving home later than expected.  An example of an environmental trigger might be a billboard for an adult bookstore, an explicit scene in a TV show or movie, or the mention of an affair in a book or magazine.

Sometimes these triggers lead to suspicion and distrust of the spouse, especially when patterns of behavior that were used to hide addiction are noted.  For example, if the addict would often engage in sexual acting out behaviors while traveling for work, traveling will likely carry a trigger in the future.  Or if the spouse used pornography late at night, staying up late alone may be another trigger.

Other times triggers are tied to relational dynamics that were present during the addiction.  If defensiveness was used to hide addictive behavior or emotional disengagement occurred as a result of the addiction, these will likely stir up a trigger response.  Emotional manipulation and gaslighting, withdrawing after an argument, and rage/intense anger are all types of relational dynamics that may have been used to hide or distract from the addictive behavior in the past. If they recur, they can remind the betrayed spouse of that experience and arouse suspicion.

As mentioned earlier, triggers often bring strong emotional reactions, to extremes of rage or the silent treatment.  They can spiral the betrayed partner into destructive thought patterns and anxiety, which may lead to a return to safety-seeking behaviors. Examples of these include searching through emails or phones or numbing out with the betrayed partner’s own addiction to food, shopping, alcohol, or other compulsive or impulsive behaviors. 

Some triggers are easier to prepare for, such as the travel trigger mentioned above.  However, many times triggers come on unexpectedly.  Having a plan in place for how you will respond to triggers as a couple can help you be prepared even for those that are unpredictable and arise without warning.

A Plan for the Addict

Slow down and breathe.

When your partner is triggered, often the impulse is to defend yourself against what can feel like an attack or accusation of wrongdoing.  Unfortunately, this can intensify the triggering experience, adding even more distrust to the relationship as you repeat patterns of defensiveness or dismissal that were used to hide the addiction.

Instead, use the tool of your breath to slow yourself down before you jump on the defense.  Take five to ten slow, deep abdominal breaths to help you stay present in your body and prepare to listen to their experience.

Remember what is happening.

Reframe these trigger moments as opportunities to grow in trust. Consider the concept that a trigger is about having one foot in the present and one foot in the past.  Typically, the trigger is not about what is happening now and is more about what your actions were then.  The trigger doesn’t necessarily carry an accusation with it, as much as it is a flashback to what happened in the past.  If there is some truth to the accusation, it does need to be addressed, and we’ll explore that later.

Listen.

Turn your attention toward your spouse and actively hear what they are saying.  It may help you to repeat their words back to them to ensure you understand, as well as clear up any misinterpretations or confusing communication.  This also helps your partner feel heard and have the opportunity to clarify their perspective. 

Contain the shame.

This is the most crucial component of this process for the addict.  Triggers stir up shame because shame comes with facing the reality of the harm caused by your addictive behaviors.  In fact, shame often contributed to addiction in the first place, as the addiction was a way to self-medicate against the pain of shame.

Addicts defend against shame in a multitude of ways.  You might deny your addiction altogether, avoid reminders of the harm done by your addiction, focus more on the future than the past, or even repress or forget moments from the addiction.  All of these options deny your personal responsibility, which can lead your betrayed partner to feel minimized. 

In order to respond to your betrayed partner with empathy, you need to contain your experience of shame by separating your identity from what you have done.  You need to remind yourself that you are not your addiction.  This is work that can be done in therapy or with your sponsor in 12 Step. The ultimate goal is to take responsibility and remember that a trigger is not a threat to who you are. 

Validate the pain of the past.

Connect with your spouse by acknowledging the reality of betrayal they faced at your hands and the hands of your addiction.  Key phrases for this step include words like, “Of course you would feel that way” and, “It makes sense why you would feel _____ based on my past behaviors.” 

Incorporate empathy here if you can.  Words like, “That really stinks” or, “I’m so sorry you have to go through that, it sounds really hard” can be helpful here as well.  A combination of validation and empathy will go far in defusing the tension of the trigger.

Examine your own behavior and apologize if needed.

Self-reflect to see if the trigger your betrayed partner is experiencing is based in anything for which you can take responsibility.  A trigger like passing a billboard or going on work travel aren’t necessarily your responsibiilty, so this may be a situation to simply validate and share empathy.

On the other hand, triggers related to emotional manipulation in arguments, not following through on promised actions, or inappropriate behavior with a member of the opposite sex likely require an apology.

In a more subtle direction, it is important to apologize for safeguards that could have been in place to protect against this trigger.  For example, perhaps the two of you agreed to make a plan before travel to connect during the trip and you failed to do so.  Or you’ve committed to taking responsibility initiating date nights or weekly recovery check-ins, but you haven’t been consistent in following through on those commitments.  Own your actions that set up an environment for a trigger.

Answer their questions.

See if your spouse has any follow-up questions to the trigger, particularly if it involved direct action or inaction on your part.  Answer these questions as openly and honestly as you can.  Remember that any deception here will come back to hurt you when the truth eventually gets revealed, as it inevitably will.

Rebuild trust in the moment.

Ask your partner if there is anything you can do to rebuild trust in the moment.  Physical touch may be a good way to increase connection, if the partner desires it.  They may also have a request for a date night or other shared activity as a way to connect emotionally and relationally.  They may have a request to create a new agreement around the trigger for the future.

A Plan For the Partner

Breathe.

Just as the addict in this situation needs to slow down and connect to their body, the same is true for you. Intense emotions that accompany triggers can either take you completely out of your body or overwhelm your body with emotion.  This is true for anyone facing trauma flashbacks.  Practicing a centering or grounding breathing exercise can help you slow down enough to observe what is happening in your mind and body. 

Reach out for support.

Get in contact with some of the support individuals in your life who know about your betrayal trauma recovery and ask for encouragement or a listening ear.  A source for this support might come from a women’s support group, your therapist, or a close friend who is empathetic and supportive in your recovery.  If you don’t have this support in place, now might be a good time to look for resources in your area or online that you can rely on the next time you face a trigger like this one.

Avoid the impulse to safety-seek.

Triggers that remind you of the addict’s past behaviors can throw you into repetition of the panic, fear, and hypervigilance of the early days after discovery.  Safety-seeking behaviors include actions such as compulsively searching through your spouse’s internet search history, phone contacts, or emails.  It could be manipulating your conversations with them to try to get them to slip up and say something incriminating.

Hallmarks of safety-seeking behaviors are that they are secretive, often carry shame with them, are attempts to feel like you have all the information and are in control, and usually make you feel worse instead of better.  Instead of choosing these destructive patterns, lean into supportive self-care until you are able to have a conversation with a support person or with your spouse.

Approach your spouse with the talking formula.

When you feel affected by a trigger and it feels appropriate to do so, talk about it with the addict using this format: “When I heard/saw [the trigger], what went through my mind was [thoughts] and I felt [emotion word].”

Feel free to ask questions or confirmation about their behavior.  For example, if it would help you to have more information, you might ask, “Would you be willing to share more about what was going on that day?”  Or if you need reassurance of their recovery, you might say, “It would be helpful to be reminded of your recovery plan. Can we go through that together again?”

Make a request for a change in behavior, if needed.

Identify if you would like to approach future trigger moments differently as a result of what you learned from this one.  Adapting your plan can involve both a joint discussion and an individual reflection.  You might ask your partner, “Could we make a plan together for situations like this in the future?”

You can also identify relationship patterns that you’d like to change if they were involved in the trigger.  For example, instead of emotional withdrawal and detachment, you could request that your partner remain present or plan a time to come back together to discuss an issue. 

Practice self-care.

Riding on the roller-coaster of a trigger is not an easy process.  It can be emotionally and physically exhausting to both experience a trigger and to process it in the aftermath.  Practice activities that are self-soothing and bring a sense of peace and calm to your physical body.  Utilize your resources of support to help you process through the conversation you had with your partner.  Regardless of what happens in the conversation with your spouse, you can still care for and validate yourself.

The Role of Self-Deception in Addicts and Betrayed Partners

One of the most important steps toward recovery in sex and love addiction is getting honest about your addiction.  In the 12 Steps, Step 1 and Step 4 both involve admitting you have a problem and taking a fearless moral inventory of your behaviors.

Deception in relationships with others is one of the most obvious indicators of addiction, including hiding behaviors from your spouse or partner, secretly using at work, or doing whatever you can to mask the problem from your family or friends.

The outward deception characteristic of addiction is often fueled by an inner self-deception.  The addictive behaviors often do not fit with what you want to believe about yourself, and so you justify them, explain them away, or just live in complete denial of their impact.

Self-deception not only happens for the addict, but it can also be present in betrayed partners reeling from the discovery of addiction.  Sometimes self-deception happens before discovering the addiction, as partners can sense intuitively that something is wrong but ignored warning signs.  Other times self-deception happens after discovery as partners seek to make sense of the fact that their loved one and primary adult attachment figure is also a source of great pain in their lives.

Types of Self-Deception

One common type of self-deception is shame-based hiding.  You don’t like what you’re doing to yourself or to others, so you’d rather hide than think about what that says about you.  This might be accompanied by shame-based core beliefs , such as “there’s something wrong with me” or “I’m not good enough.”

Another way to self-deceive is through being a “chameleon,” conforming to the expectations of others.  Essentially, you become whatever you need to be, depending on the person or situation you are in.  You may imitate other people to get what you want or manage the image others have of you.  Unfortunately, with time, this self-deception can lead you to lose a sense of your personal identity.

Creating confusion through chaos and distraction arises as another strategy of self-deception, particularly present in addiction.  An addict using this strategy can mask their addictive behavior, protecting their outlet for escape or relief from painful emotions.  This chaos takes on a life of its own with time as it alienates others and interferes with the structure needed in an addict’s life to work an effective recovery. 

All of these strategies are connected to denial of the presence or power of the addiction. Self-deception strategies can be fueled by denial or provide their own form of justification.

Why self-deceive?

A way to protect yourself from reality.

The truth, especially when addiction is involved, can be incredibly painful.  We don’t enjoy feeling pain.  Lying to yourself can create a buffer between you and the challenging reality such that you limit your experience of pain.  For a betrayed partner, this can be a way of coping with the seismic shift in reality that occurs once you discover the addiction. 

A way to support outward deception and image management.

Lying to yourself can make it easier to lie to other people and get away with it.  When you believe the lies yourself, you seem more convincing.  You may want to maintain the image others have of you, so you begin to lie to protect that image.  Shame about who you truly are propels you to present something different out of belief that others wouldn't like the real you, a feeling of not being good enough, or a host of other negative core beliefs about yourself.

A way to guard you from cognitive dissonance.

When your actions and your values don’t line up, this creates a threat to your identity.  We often cope with this type of cognitive dissonance by altering the way we think about our behaviors through self-deception.  We begin to justify, minimize, and rationalize what we do as a way to feel better about ourselves.  You may begin with some awareness that this is self-deception, but with time, the lies you tell yourself and others begin to feel true. 

Access to attachment and survival needs.

As humans, we have deeply rooted needs for love, acceptance, closeness, and intimacy that have been ingrained in us from our birth.  In particular, when our attachment needs as children were damaged through abuse, neglect, or lack of attunement from our parents, these needs grow even stronger and can take priority over values of honesty or integrity.  Fear of abandonment, loneliness, isolation, and rejection can feel crippling, so self-deception functions as a way to avoid that pain. 

A response to fear.

When we feel fear, our brains go into survival mode, kicking up our fight-or-flight response.  Perhaps in the past, honesty meant you would receive abuse in your family-of-origin.  Fear of separation or divorce can be terrifying for either the addict or the betrayed partner.  At the same time, fear of intimacy can lead to further hiding, as honesty is an invitation to closeness.  If intimacy and vulnerability were unsafe for you due to experiences of abuse or neglect, self-deception is a way to avoid that fear.

Why do we need to stop self-deceiving?

Self-deception leads to neurological changes in the brain.  When lying becomes a practice, our brains become conditioned to lie, such that we may find ourselves lying even when it is unnecessary.  Once this practice becomes rooted in neurochemistry, it becomes much more complicated to change, so catching self-deception as early as possible is important.

Self-deception also creates disconnection and separation in your relationship as you become unwilling to talk about your desires and needs.  Image management can come into play when you disagree with something and don’t believe that it is okay to disagree.  When there isn’t space to have conversations about what you need, both partners become unhappy, and this affects desire and attraction toward one another.

When self-deception has been common practice throughout a marriage or relationship, it creates broken trust and lack of respect.  Selfishness and power dynamics begin to take over and create a toxic dance that leaves both partners feeling dissatisfied and hurt.

The Way to End Self-Deception

Gain more self-awareness.

Start to do your own self-reflection through therapy and recovery work.  This can be a challenging process, as you will be asked to look more directly at the same and pain from which your self-deception has allowed you to hide.  It is important to maintain self-compassion during this stage, remembering that self-deception developed out of a protective instinct that served you in some way, but now is interfering with your life.

Practice honesty in small things.

When self-deception becomes ingrained, it can feel like second nature to lie about things that aren’t important.  Take steps to practice honesty about those small things.  Communicate smaller needs and work your way up to naming larger ones.  Take responsibility when you slip into a lie and go back to correct it.  Recognize your boundaries: you don’t have to use image management in an attempt to control others.

Create space for connection with others.

Offering connection to your partner or others directly addresses your attachment needs.  This can feel incredibly vulnerable, so couples counseling may be helpful in guiding you toward this practice.  You can regulate challenging emotions through physical connection with your spouse, like eye contact and touch that feels safe to you.  Practicing your ability to offer and receive empathy can also allow for a greater sense of connection.

Move toward greater authenticity.

As you grow in knowledge and understanding of yourself, you will be better equipped to express that knowledge and self-acceptance in relationships with others.  Self-reflection can help you learn new ways of dealing with painful emotions, including inviting others in to support you and offer empathy.

How to Rebuild Trust in the Aftermath of Betrayal

If you’ve faced betrayal in your marriage or long-term relationship, you know the devastation that broken trust creates.  Trust can be broken through affairs or infidelity, either sexual or emotional.  Sex and love addiction is a major factor that comes up in destroying trust in relationships.  Other addictions, secrecy around financial decisions, or secrecy around work can create similar experiences of broken trust.  But a common factor in all these cases is deception.   

Trust requires safety, and if your perception of reality is influenced by the lies or insincerity of another person, it becomes unsafe.  You might ask yourself questions like, “How will I ever know if my spouse is telling the truth?” or “How could I have fallen for their lies?” 

Shame also comes up for the betrayed partner.  You might be wondering if it’s your fault, blaming yourself for not being able to see the warning signs of the deception.  You might feel embarrassed and like a fool.  You might also be struggling with loneliness, as issues such as sex and love addiction can be difficult to share about with friends, or you can be protecting your spouse’s privacy.  Regardless, this shame is based on a distorted view of reality put forward by the partner who deceived. 

What should I expect in rebuilding trust?

Rebuilding trust is an incredibly slow process, and it requires patience and time to heal.  Usually, I notice impatience in couples who come into my office feeling stuck.  The partner who committed the betrayal is recovering more quickly than the betrayed partner.  They might be feeling relief due to the fact that they are no longer carrying the burden of the secret addiction, and they can finally get the help they need.

Meanwhile, the betrayed spouse is wrestling with the new information he or she has received.  They are trying to integrate this new truth into the months or years of deception that have taken place, rewriting the narrative of their lives.  They are trying to re-evaluate and re-integrate their whole world with this information.  At the same time, they are faced with making decisions about the future of the relationship.

How do we rebuild trust?

Have you ever built a sandcastle?  Some professional sandcastles can be beautiful, with turrets and sculpted carvings.

Think of your marriage like a sandcastle.  When the betrayal was discovered, it’s as if a giant tidal wave came and destroyed it.  Rebuilding trust involves moving sand back to rebuild that castle.  Some days it involves moving just one grain at a time, and other days you’ll move shovelfuls.  Sometimes, if the foundation is shaky or the wind from outside blows in a certain way, parts of the castle may crumble or topple and need to be built up again.

You likely won’t be building the same exact castle over again.  You’ll change parts of it to make it new and better.  Having learned from your previous experience, you’ll likely make a stronger foundation and more beautiful or intricate carvings.  You’ll consider how you will approach the marriage after the betrayal, which involves moving into a new phase that will be decidedly different from the pain that now colors the first part of your marriage.  

Rebuilding trust requires that both spouses have an active role in this process.  It is impossible for just one of you to be doing all the work.

THE DECEIVER’S ROLE

For the individual who has betrayed their spouse, the simplest way to rebuild trust is to continually match your words up with your actions.  The first step involves honesty.  You will need to be more truthful about your thoughts, emotions, and behaviors than you ever have before.  Allow your spouse access to private accounts and information.  Some spouses need this level of transparency and others don’t, but your willingness to offer it regardless of whether it’s needed or not rebuilds trust. 

Particularly in the case of sex and love addiction, formal disclosure of acting out behaviors is a major step in rebuilding trust.  In order to establish a foundation of trust before you move forward in the relationship, you will need to have a formal disclosure of all your behaviors with your spouse.  This is a major step of honesty that will lay the foundation for the other rebuilding actions to stick.

Each time you are honest about your behaviors in the future, you will move some sand back into that sand castle.  Every time you carry out an action you said you would, you build more trust.  When you are honest about difficult, negative emotions and responses, that builds trust even stronger, as it allows your spouse to see you take ownership of your feelings and actions. 

THE BETRAYED PARTNER’S ROLE

While it may seem that the action of change rests in the hands of the deceiver, the betrayed partner actually has a significant role in the trust-rebuilding process.  In order for trust to be built, the partner be willing to take the risk to trust.  You will (understandably) be self-protective and you won’t be ready to fully trust for quite some time.  In fact, if you were ready to trust immediately after discovering the betrayal, I would caution you against it!  But the long-term goal is to help you find ways of offering trust as the two of you heal.

When you first find out about the deception and broken trust, you ought to spend some time building up your network of support individuals and self-care so you can practice kindness toward yourself as you heal. Establish safety for yourself that isn’t dependent on your spouse’s behaviors, as they will certainly not be able to meet all your expectations at first.  Create boundaries as a way of seeing if your spouse is willing to change and adapt.

Once you’ve decided to move forward, take small risks to trust.  Acknowledge or praise your spouse when you see their actions and words lining up.  Choose to focus on the progress more frequently than the past betrayal, as it can be easy to lose sight of positive changes.  However, if the deception is still going on or if you haven’t seen actions on the spouse’s part to substantiate their commitment to rebuild trust, tread cautiously.

As mentioned earlier, rebuilding trust requires that both spouses take an active role.  But even if you do, you might feel like you keep hitting roadblocks that set you back.  When you are stuck and need a way to move forward, seek out couples counseling.  In counseling, you’re able to further discuss those areas of conflict in a way that creates change.  You’ll set goals together and consider how you’ll approach this new season of your marriage. 

This article was originally posted under the title of “How Do We Come Back From This? Rebuilding Trust in a Broken Relationship” on November 29, 2018.

Rediscover Your Self-Worth After Betrayal Trauma: Empower Your Future

When you’ve recognized the impact of your partner’s sex and love addiction on your sense of self-worth, it can be a challenge to identify how to break out of that trap.  You may feel stuck or powerless to change.  Your emotional landscape or confusing thoughts may make it difficult for the truth about your inherent worth and value to sink in.

We built the foundation of understanding the impact of betrayal trauma on self-worth by evaluating symptoms in Part 1 and reviewing reminders of what is true in Part 2.  Understanding the truth about addiction and trauma may be reassuring intellectually. But understanding might not change the way you feel, which is a major component of insecurity around your self-worth.  Today, we’ll explore how these insights can influence your behaviors such that your feelings of confidence begin to grow.

Acting “as if” as a pathway out of low self-worth

If you believed that your worth was inherent and not based on what others think of you, how might that change the way you interact with others?  If you believed that it was impossible to be “enough” for the addiction, how might that influence the way you relate to your spouse?  How might that create space for more self-care and boundaries?  As you answer these questions, begin to experiment with taking different actions that fit those changes in beliefs. 

Here are a few examples of potential applications if you acted “as if” these statements were true:

Attend a 12 Step meeting or support group.

If you believe that you are worth spending time with, it makes sense for you to reach out for social support.  Finding a safe place to talk about your doubts and hear others’ stories helps you know that you are not alone.  Outside help will both validate you and challenge you when needed. 

Begin personal counseling.

When you come to realize that the only person you can control is yourself and that you are worth caring for, you will be more likely to seek out professional help on how to do that.  You have a right to receive support and care in the process of moving through the trauma. Seeking out specialized counseling is a way to honor that right.

Release the burden of perfectionism.

If you’ve coped with feelings of failure or insecurity in the past by trying to keep your life together and be perfect, you might find the same patterns surfacing in your betrayal trauma recovery. Remember that your worth is not defined by how much you accomplish, by your status, or by your achievements.  Know that your worth is inherent and allows yourself to take a rest or ask for help.

Put your own needs first by practicing self-care.

Practice kindness toward yourself by recognizing the impact of the trauma of discovery and honoring your needs as a result.  Treat yourself how you would treat a friend if they were going through something similar.  Recognize your needs that aren’t being met and seek out healthy ways to meet them.

For many, self-care can be challenging because it contradicts beliefs that encourage you to put others before yourself.  However, in this case, re-centering on meeting your personal needs is necessary so that you can come into a place of serving and loving your family, spouse, and others more holistically in the future.  You can’t serve others from an empty shell of yourself.  You have to put on your own oxygen mask before you can help others.

Review your “bill of rights” and set healthy, supportive boundaries that affirm your worth.

In the fog that comes after discovery, you might be unclear about how to achieve a sense of safety and stability.  If you’re doubting your worth, you might not be aware of what you have the right to ask for to create a sense of safety in your marriage.  Resources like the “bill of rights” on Vicki Tidwell Palmer’s website, as well as her book Moving Beyond Betrayal, can help you identify what you have the right to ask for and begin to help you on the process of setting boundaries that honor your personal worth and value. 

Part of this process is recognizing legitimate rights related to your body. Acknowledging your right to say “no” to physical or sexual intimacy at any point and particularly in the early stages of recovery can honor your sexual self.

Explore your options.

Talk to your spouse about couples counseling or treatment, intensive opportunities, or other steps of support.  Seek out resources for legal and financial support if you are considering separating and want to pursue financial independence.  Read books and attend seminars on trauma and addiction to learn more about what you might be experiencing.  Seek out safe people in your life who can provide support and a listening ear.

Recognize your own patterns of denial.

Did you have a sense that something was off long before you discovered your spouse’s addiction?  Were there odd occurrences that you explained away or minimized because the thought that your partner might be an addict was too much to bear?  In a relationship without addiction, it makes sense to give your spouse the benefit of the doubt.  But when you discover addiction, rediscovering your intuition requires you to shift that pattern.

To better prepare yourself for future deception that may or may not occur, it is important to examine how your denial manifested itself: how did you explain away inconsistencies in behavior and words?  How have you taken on more of the blame for yourself rather than allowing the addict to own it? By exploring these thought patterns in yourself, you’ll begin to learn to trust your gut again. 

Connect the dots between past trauma and present-day emotional reactions.

Each betrayed partner has a different emotional response to the pain of the trauma.  These responses typically relate to your history: wounds from your family-of-origin, painful experiences in romantic relationships, or even trauma or abuse. 

Consider how the particular patterns of self-doubt you’re feeling are connected to insecurities that stem from your past.  Take the time to unearth longstanding patterns of self-talk that might be contributing to your lowered self-worth.  In this process, you may also uncover some dysfunctional patterns in relating that stem from your past experiences and begin to shift the way you connect with others.

Grieve the hurts without being consumed by them.

You will likely experience grief in waves that hit you for a time after the discovery of your partner’s addiction.  This grief can feel overwhelming and can lead you to a place of self-pity and hopelessness.  It can trigger shame and guilt and lead you further into doubting your self-worth. 

When you feel waves of grief threatening to overwhelm you, use that as an opportunity to acknowledge the reality of the circumstances that have contributed to the pain and redirect your attention to self-care and empowerment to change.  Accept the reality of what is outside of your control and commit to finding ways you can make changes that fit in alignment with your values. 

Recognize that sometimes doubt about self-worth masks the legitimate grief of finding out about the betrayal and having to make decisions about the future.  Staying in a place of self-doubt or shame can be a self-protective response, keeping you from having to face the hard realities of what comes next.

List your strengths.

Make a list of strengths you have which can uniquely help you to make it through this process of recovery.  If you have trouble writing a list, ask those in your support network, your family, or your friends to name strengths they see in you.  Take a strengths-based personality assessment to uncover which qualities of your personality will help you to get through this season.  Identify resources or strengths that you are growing and fostering to remind yourself that you have power to change what is within your control. 

Rediscover Your Self-Worth After Betrayal Trauma: Remember the Truth

When you’re caught up in self-doubt and questioning due to the recent discovery of your partner’s sex and love addiction, the line between what is real and what isn’t can be fuzzy at best.  Many of the explanations running through your mind affect your sense of self-worth as you attempt to understand what is impossible to understand.

 In Part 1 of this self-worth series, we identified thoughts and behaviors that are associated with low self-worth as a result of betrayal trauma.  In this article, we’ll cover some statements of truth that combat the swirling self-doubt and give you a supportive reality check. 

What is true?

When you’re being pummeled by these insecurities, it can help to remind yourself of some affirmations of truth about yourself and your partner’s addiction to ground you in reality. 

Your emotional response and reactions are normal.

You’ve experienced an intense trauma: survivors of betrayal trauma often demonstrate similar symptoms to those who have experienced sexual trauma or assault.  The feelings that come up in response to the betrayal are a reflection of the seriousness of the offense.  Even though you might feel crazy, what you’re experiencing is to be expected from the pain you’ve sustained.

The addiction isn’t about you. It is not your fault.

Sex and love addiction typically develops long before you and your partner meet. It originates as a form of coping with distressing feelings or discomfort.  Most addicts have a history of past trauma or abuse, which can be sexual in nature but also could be physical, emotional, or verbal. Addiction developed as a maladaptive way to cope with stress or pain caused by that trauma or abuse.

What if your relationship had problems beforehand and you can connect the addict’s desire to escape to the tension in the relationship? In this case, your partner still had a choice of how they would cope with that tension.  They did not have to choose addiction, but they did so because of a preprogrammed propensity that they had fostered through early experiences. 

Addiction is never satisfied, so you can never be “enough” for addiction.

When you begin to question whether you weren’t sexual enough for your spouse, remember that no amount of sex will fully satisfy a sex addict.  Many sex addicts believe that having more sex will solve their problems, but it never does.  Addiction is always in search of more and is never satisfied.  The concept of tolerance in addiction shows that what was once enough to provide a “high” eventually loses its intensity and the addict continually needs more to achieve the same effect.

Addicts are masters of denial and deception.

Addicts have years of practice hiding their behaviors so skillfully that no one could tell they were acting out.  They use techniques such as emotional manipulation and gaslighting to mask their behaviors and self-protect.  They will go to any lengths to protect their addiction, often acting in what seems to be contradictory ways to their proclaimed love for you as their partner.  They create an atmosphere to protect the addiction, whether consciously or subconsciously.  It’s crazy-making for you, but the smokescreen they put up explains why you couldn’t see it.

That being said, prior to discovery, you may have had moments when you felt like something was off or that your gut was telling you something was up.  Typically your concerns were met by your addicted partner with further denial and minimization, which may have led you to dismiss your intuition or question your reality.

You are worth spending time with.

In the aftermath of the discovery of betrayal, betrayed partners often feel isolated and alone.  You might be hesitating to contact friends or loved ones, which only adds to those feelings of isolation.  In addition, your insecurities may cause you to question your value in relationships and fear reaching out for support.  Believing that you are worth spending time with can help empower you to seek out your friends and family who can be supportive and safe during this time.

Beyond relationships with others, spouses of addicts lose a sense of their personal identity, whether that’s due to caring for children or caring for the addict.  Spending time with yourself becomes immensely important to reclaim yourself and your personal identity.  Learn who you are.  Spend time getting to know yourself as if for the first time because you are worth getting to know.

Your worth is not defined by external achievements or accomplishments.

When you’re still reeling from the discovery of your partner’s addiction, you probably weren’t the most productive person.  The impact of trauma can throw you off all parts of your daily routine.  Especially if you’re already someone who deals with perfectionistic tendencies, you might be overwhelmed by a sense of inadequacy as you grapple with the crushing impact trauma has on your life.

Emphasizing external validation as the primary place you find your worth and value will consistently set you up for failure.  The solution is to recognize that your value and worth is inherent and cannot be influenced or taken away by what others think of you. 

The only person you can control is yourself.

Excessive focus on the addict and their behavior can lead to extreme swings in mood and thought patterns because addiction can be so crazy-making.  Instead, focusing on what’s within your control (your own thoughts, behaviors, choices, and emotions) and caring for those parts of you can help you to detach in a healthy way from the chaos of your partner’s addicted world.  This focus on yourself allows you to align your actions with your own value system, and it acknowledges that you are worthwhile enough to receive care and growth. 

Addicts live a double life and compartmentalize their addictive behavior.

Like the classic Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde, addicts often completely separate their addictive acting out behaviors from their normal life.  They dissociate emotionally from their “normal” life while acting out, often dealing with memory fog or fuzziness about specifics of their acting out behaviors afterward.  Your addicted partner could truly love you even while they were active in their addiction, despite their actions communicating something entirely different.

In our third and last installment of this self-worth series, we’ll explore what it means to empower yourself to take actions that affirm your self-worth.

Rediscover Your Self-Worth After Betrayal Trauma: Evaluate the Impact

For many partners of sex and love addicts, betrayal trauma from discovering affairs or addiction can bring up a flood of questions: why did this happen?  Am I not attractive enough for my partner?  Have I not been enough sexually?  Am I stupid for not seeing this sooner?  Did he/she ever really love me, or was it just a lie?

This panicked flurry of questions is an attempt for your mind to make sense of something that is senseless, to explain why the addiction occurred.  It is a natural response to the acute stress of the trauma and the mind’s natural tendency to try to understand what has just happened to you.  Unfortunately, many of these questions damage your sense of self-worth as they create misleading conclusions about the reasons for your partner’s addiction. 

Often, the self-doubt that hits you first is influenced by deeply-rooted insecurities that already exist in your heart.  For example, you may already struggle with self-consciousness about body image and your fluctuating weight because of teasing and body comparison in your teenage years.  If this is the case, discovering your partner’s addiction may lead you to compare your body to images in pornography or affair partners, creating hatred toward your body. Perfectionism, codependency, sexual issues, or aspects of your personality can create sources of self-doubt.

These doubts are made worse when the addict is still in denial over his or her addiction and points out flaws in you that divert attention away from the addiction.  Your spouse may blame physical changes or weight gain for not wanting to be intimate.  He or she may criticize your parenting or spending.  Before your discovery of the addiction, these accusations may have led you to question yourself and set you up for a pattern that continues even after you find out about the addiction.

Discovering a partner’s sex and love addiction or betrayal targets your pain points, adds a few new ones to the mix, and creates the perfect storm that can wreak havoc on your sense of self-worth.

Signs of Impact on Your Self-Worth

Consider the list below of common indicators of insecurity or self-doubt triggered by the discovery of addiction.  Which of these symptoms have you experienced?  How are they playing out in your relationship today? 

Ambivalence about staying or leaving in the relationship.

Ambivalence is not synonymous with indifference: rather, it is the experience of a push-and-pull between two different extremes that you want at the same time.  You may have felt disgusted and wanted to get away from your spouse, but less than an hour later you feel love for him or her and a desire to fix the issues in the marriage.  

When you have this push-and-pull of ambivalence, it is common to become self-critical and angry with yourself for wanting either extreme.  You might fear the judgment of others if you choose either option.  Feeling stuck in not knowing what to do creates a sense of shame and self-contempt that can reinforce your insecurities.

Mood swings between self-contempt and contempt toward the addict.

Similar to the ambivalence between staying or leaving, you might also flip-flop between extremes of hatred for the addict and contempt toward yourself.  You feel angry about what they have done to cause harm to you and your family, but then experience self-hatred for allowing yourself to be in a relationship with an addict.  You blame yourself for their choice to step out on the marriage because you feel inadequate, but then you feel rage at them for gaslighting you into believing that you were the problem.

Shame around sexual desires or negative beliefs about your sexual self.

In some cases, partners find themselves desiring to be sexual with their spouses after the discovery of addiction.  You might be motivated by a desire to secure your partner’s love or to prove that you are satisfying sexually.  Other partners start out wanting nothing to do with sexual intimacy with their spouses but find themselves confused when sexual desire does arise.  Either response can lead to shame, as sexual desire feels contradictory or minimizing to the impact of the betrayal trauma.

A partner’s sex addiction also has a unique impact on beliefs about your sexual self, namely communicating that you are not enough sexually for your spouse.  You can begin to question what you offer sexually and feel unattractive or unappealing.  Your sexual self (your masculinity or femininity) and identity are linked together so closely that betrayal in this sexual realm can deeply impact the core of who you are.

Comparison of your body to affair partners or pornographic images.

Many partners wonder why the addict was drawn to objectify or sexualize other people through pornography or affairs.  You might explain this by coming to the conclusion that you were not attractive enough, or that your partner is sexually interested in people who look different than you.  These insecurities can arise for partners who have a history of body image issues or are feeling dissatisfied with their weight and health, but it can also come up for those who have never felt concerned about their body image.

Feeling stupid or foolish for not knowing the addiction was happening.

How could I have missed this?  For many, the discovery of addiction occurs after the addicted spouse has been acting out for years.  Often, the addiction started long before the two of you met, although it may have escalated into more intensity while the two of you have been together.  You likely were blind to the addict’s sexual behaviors because of their skill at deception and dishonesty throughout the course of your relationship.  The shock of discovering the addiction may lead you to feel like you were stupid for missing it. The fear of being duped or fooled again can lead to difficulty trusting your partner. 

Believing the addiction was somehow your fault.

Despite the fact that the addiction likely existed long before you and the addict got together, you might find yourself struggling with self-blame and looking to your personal flaws and mistakes as justification for the addict’s actions.  You might believe the emotional manipulation and criticism your partner has shared toward you, or you might have insecurities based on abuse or harm from your past that tell you that you are unlovable or worthless.  You might notice a chorus of “if onlys” telling you that if you were different in some way, your partner wouldn’t have chosen their addiction.

Suicidal or homicidal thoughts.

At its most extreme, the hopelessness and depression that comes with the trauma of discovery can lead to thoughts of taking your own life.  Similarly, moments of rage toward your spouse can create thoughts or situations where you could do harm to him or others.  If you are experiencing suicidal or homicidal thoughts, please call 911 or go to your nearest emergency facility.

Self-destructive behaviors.

Even if you haven’t gotten to the extreme of suicidal or homicidal thoughts, you may be engaging in self-destructive behaviors as a way to subtly punish yourself or to retaliate in a way that gives you a sense of control.  You might have your own affair or seek out the attention of others in response to finding out about the addiction.  You might escape into disordered eating for a sense of comfort.  You may relapse into your own addiction or find yourself turning to alcohol, drugs, or habits such as shopping or gambling as a way to get relief from the pain you’re feeling.

In future parts of this self-worth series, we’ll review statements of truth that contradict these sources of low self-worth and move you toward a more accurate view of yourself, as well as create a plan of empowerment and change for the future.

Putting Kindness into Practice When Recovering from Trauma

If you’ve experienced a traumatic event, whether a “Big T” trauma (like a natural disaster) or a “small t” trauma (like prolonged bullying in a toxic workplace), you’ve probably felt some negative aftereffects.  In some cases, you might have had heightened anxiety for a few weeks, but it resolved when the disaster passed.  But for others, it’s possible to find yourself dealing with reminders or fear for months or years afterward.

In the case of childhood trauma, past abuse, or sexual assault, these effects may be more hidden. You could notice strange or unusual behavior and not even link it to those past experiences, because you believe you’ve gotten over them or moved past them.  Typically reminders of these events exist deep under the surface and stir up emotions or physical responses that seem to have no cause. 

For many partners recovering from betrayal trauma, you’re still living in the reality of the trauma.  Your spouse may be in recovery, but that process takes time, so it can feel as though the trauma isn’t over.  It’s like you’re living in the house being affected by the natural disaster: sometimes it seems like everything is okay, and then another wave of pain washes over you as you find out about a slip or relapse.  This “present trauma” effect can happen also for those who are in toxic or harmful situations without an easy way out.

How Trauma Affects Your Emotions and Self-Talk

One of the hallmarks of trauma is a tendency to minimize or question the impact of that trauma on yourself.  Many survivors of trauma have thought, “My experience wasn’t so bad.  Not as bad as so-and-so had it.”  More than that, depression can be an aftereffect of trauma, fueled by negative, self-defeating self-talk.  You might feel doubt about the trauma itself and your own role and responsibility within it, which affects your sense of self-worth.

This unique combination of minimizing your own experience, thinking negatively about yourself, and doubting your own perspective can lead to destructive self-criticism and self-hatred that derail your path to recovery from trauma.

Symptoms of Trauma and Post-Traumatic Stress

In your story of trauma, you may be dealing with some or several of the symptoms of post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD).  These symptoms are worsened when you’re still experiencing the trauma, as with betrayal trauma discussed above.  Those symptoms include:

• Intrusive memories of the traumatic event

• Flashbacks (re-experiencing the memory of the trauma as if you were still there)

• Nightmares

• Avoidance of people, places, and things that remind you of the trauma

• Insomnia/difficulty falling asleep

• Exaggerated startle response (jumping at things more easily, being on edge)

• Hypervigilance (being extra aware of your surroundings and anticipating danger)

• Irritability

• Depression

• Anxiety

• Memory lapses related to the traumatic event

• Chronic negative beliefs about yourself, others, or the world

• Lack of interest in things you used to enjoy

• Distorted self-blame or blame of others about the event

• Intense emotional surges (fear, horror, guilt, anger, shame)

• Feeling isolated or withdrawn from others

• Inability to experience positive emotions

• Self-destructive behaviors

• Lack of ability to focus or concentrate

Why Kindness is Important in Trauma Recovery

If you relate to any of the symptoms listed above in relation to your trauma, my guess is that you also have expressed unkindness toward yourself.  Some of the symptoms directly create that self-hatred: having a negative view of yourself, feelings of self-blame, and shame associated with the events.  Other symptoms can be frustrating and lead to self-criticism, like insomnia, irritability, flashbacks, and nightmares.

For some, the person you were before the trauma happened and the person you are now feel drastically different from one another, and you long to go back to where you were before.  Or, if the trauma occurred when you were young, you long to be “normal” and not have such intense, symptomatic response to triggers of the trauma.

I cannot overemphasize the power and necessity of good psychotherapy if you are dealing with PTSD.  At the same time, learning to approach yourself with kindness while you are healing from trauma is essential. Healing from trauma takes time, and it can be a tiring process. You need an extra dose of kindness to move forward through it.

How to Practice Kindness

Call it what it is.

Stop minimizing your experience and let yourself name it what it is: trauma.  Naming the experience as trauma can give you more of a sense of understanding and peace, as you know that there is an explanation for your symptoms, as well as proven treatments to help you process and learn to cope.

Research the impact of “small t” traumas and acknowledge that they can have just as significant of an effect as a major, “big T” trauma. In fact, sometimes the chronic nature of “small t” traumas can make them harder to move past, as they create ingrained patterns of thought and behavior that need more work to change.

Offer yourself grace and understanding for your symptoms.

Rather than becoming annoyed with yourself for experiencing the very real symptoms of trauma, learn about what they are and acknowledge that is what is happening when you feel them.  Then, when you have symptoms, you’ll know why they’re happening, which can offer a sense of relief. 

When you know your emotional response is tied to trauma, it can also give you more clarity on how to best care for yourself within it. Putting your emotions in the correct context helps you not to feel crazy and reminds you to rely on coping strategies specific to trauma.

Affirm your resilience in surviving the trauma.

Recognize that you made it through whatever traumatic event occurred to you, and (in most cases) it is over now.  If it isn’t fully over, as in the case of betrayal trauma, recognize what you’ve made it through so far and the strength it’s taken to get there. 

Honor what you did to survive, even if it wasn’t the healthiest choice.  Some of your responses to trauma may feel crazy or irrational, but often they are motivated by a legitimate desire for safety or security, particularly after experiencing such an unsettling event.  Consider the root of some of these responses and offer understanding to yourself of why you responded in this way.

Give yourself what you need.

If you’re managing the aftereffects of childhood trauma, ask yourself what you needed then.  Was it someone to listen to you?  A safe place to go when you felt afraid?  A sense of comfort? If you’re still coping with the trauma, ask yourself what you need now.  Healthy distraction? Connection with your recovery community? Rest and nutrition?

Then do it: give yourself the space for extra comfort or care as a result of the reminder of the trauma.  Connect with loved ones or give yourself space and alone time, whichever feels more authentic to your needs.  Practice grounding through deep, mindful breathing or connecting with your five senses.  Practice sensory self-soothing behaviors like taking a bath, putting on warm and cozy clothes, smelling a scented candle or essential oils, or eating a comforting meal.

Use kind words to talk to yourself.

Rather than self-defeating or destructive thoughts you might be used to, consider positive coping thoughts you might use to support you.  Put today’s experience in the context of the bigger picture: you’re working your way through trauma, and it isn’t over yet.

Our words have power. Choose words that remind you of resilience and empowerment rather than hopelessness and helplessness within your response to trauma. Remember your unique character qualities that are supporting you through this crisis.

Practice kindness toward others.

Sometimes the most helpful way for us to move through our own traumatic experiences is to find mutual support through places like support groups, advocacy organizations, or volunteering opportunities.  Find a way that you can love and support others who are going through something similar to you.  If the trauma still feels too fresh, it may be helpful to find a place where you can volunteer or help others that has nothing to do with your area of trauma.  Offering help to others can promote a sense of gratitude and love that brings you out of the all-consuming nature of your trauma experience.

How to Cope With a Trauma Response: Part 2

In Part 1, we discussed how trauma responses are intense physical and emotional sensations that seem to come out of nowhere, but are often related to a trigger of a past traumatic experience.  They can be confusing and bewildering, causing a fight-flight-freeze response to arise.  They toss you out of your window of tolerance and lead you to feel uncertain about how to respond.

The first and most important step covered was how to respond to the initial impact of the trauma response.  Calming your body’s reaction to the trauma needs to happen before you can engage in critical thinking about what led to the response and how to address it more adequately in the future.  Detailed in more depth in Part 1, these calming techniques included:

• Breathing and grounding strategies to calm the nervous system

• Coping thoughts to remind yourself of distance from the traumatic experience

• Distraction techniques to focus your mind elsewhere until the intensity of the emotional response recedes

Now, we’ll get into more depth on how to approach your trauma response with curiosity instead of criticism and learn more about yourself and your needs through this exploration.

Identify the traumatic event that triggered your response.

In some cases, it is easy to connect a past traumatic event with a current trigger.  An experience in combat, a spouse’s betrayal, or physical abuse from a caregiver are all examples of experiences that may resurface in a flashback.

With other experiences, it’s more challenging to identify the trigger or what might be intensifying the experience.  As an EMDR practitioner, I often prompt my clients to connect the dots by identifying the emotion they’re feeling, where it is located in their body, and any thoughts associated with that feeling.  Then, I ask them to let their mind go back to other experiences in their life where they’ve had a similar response.

Sometimes, what comes out of that exercise may feel unrelated to the trigger, but let your mind make those connections and be curious about what it finds.  The purpose of this exercise is to validate your experience and help you understand that you’re not crazy: this is a trauma response.  If you notice this experience brings up even more emotional intensity, mitigate it with some of the self-soothing, coping thoughts, or breathing practices discussed earlier.

Ask yourself what you needed then.

Once you recognize the event that triggered the negative reaction, you can then reflect on what needs might have gone unmet or what threats were occurring that left you feeling unsafe.  For example, in an abuse situation, the need may have been for protection or escape.  In a major car accident, safety and help may have been the primary needs.  For a betrayed partner, empathy and connection may be needs they’ve experienced when dealing with addiction.

It may take some digging to get at the core needs you feel here.  Often, they aren’t right at the surface.  It may help to take a look at your reaction to the trauma: if your immediate response to a harsh word or anger from your spouse is to run and hide, this might indicate the escape you needed from an abusive family member.  Once you’re aware of these needs, then you can more easily bring them into the present moment. 

Seek healthy ways to get your needs met.

In some situations, you can easily get your needs met.  For example, if your traumatic experience relates to living with an abuser in the past or a combat experience that occurred several years ago, you can remind yourself that you are no longer in that situation, it is over, and you are safe in this moment now.  This can help increase a sense of safety.  Grounding strategies work well at supporting this need, to bring you into awareness of the present moment and connect you to that sense of present-moment safety.

In other situations, there might be a few more steps you need to take to receive support for your needs.  Perhaps you’re still living in the place of trauma, as when your spouse is a recovering addict and you can’t lean on them for support or trust.  You may have had a traumatic experience at work, but you aren’t able to quit or leave your job, and so you feel anxiety or stress each time you walk through the door into your office.

When you can’t immediately talk yourself down from a lack of safety, consider opportunities to meet your needs in healthy ways.  For the betrayed partner, seek out a therapy or support group or helpful, understanding friends with whom you can talk to receive empathy.  Practice self-validation of your experience and acknowledge to yourself that it makes sense why you would feel unsafe.  Set boundaries in your workplace or in your relationships to meet needs for protection and security.

Consider trauma-based therapy with a trained counselor.

The strategies listed above and in the previous post can help in some situations, but if you notice your trauma triggers aren’t going away, it may be time to consider more formal therapy to address some of the trauma.  EMDR is a method of psychotherapy that directly addresses and reprocesses traumatic events so that they don’t continue to hang around in your mind and plague you with intense triggers and flashbacks.  Good trauma counseling can help you create deeper change to see lasting resolution from the traumatic memories.

How to Cope With a Trauma Response: Part 1

Your day is progressing just like any other.  Waking up, getting the kids ready for school, going to work, preparing dinner…when all of a sudden, out of nowhere, you’re hit with a flashback of the event.  You feel a pit in your stomach, sweat breaks out on your forehead, and you feel your heart rate spike.  You’re having trouble breathing, and you feel the urge to escape. 

If you have post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) or symptoms related to PTSD, you probably know this experience well.  Memories of the trauma or triggers that remind you of the event can send you into a tailspin: you’re fine one moment, then in a panic or shut down the next.  For partners who have experienced betrayal trauma, this response arises with triggers related to their addicted spouse’s behaviors.

The experience of a trauma response can be scary, as it often comes on suddenly and feels impossible to stop.  It can be exhausting to go through one of these experiences as your body goes into overdrive, trying to protect you from a threat that (often) isn’t there.  To cope with your response, you might shut down into a depression, lash out in anger or irritation at the people around you, collapse into grief and sadness, or turn inward with shame.

How do I know I’m having a trauma response vs. pure anxiety or panic?

There are several common symptoms of post-traumatic stress disorder that may come up when trauma resurfaces:

• Flashbacks to traumatic events (re-experiencing the memory as if it were happening now)

• Mood swings and emotional volatility

• Exaggerated startle response

• Avoiding certain triggers or activities that you used to find enjoyable

• Low self-esteem

• Isolation and withdrawal from others

Trauma shares symptoms with anxiety and/or panic attacks.  Anxiety often includes worries that are more future-oriented than trauma.  While it is true that some anxiety centers around worry about events from the past, trauma responses are different in that they can be traced back to a specific memory of a traumatic event.

Panic attacks can also arise as a result of trauma, with symptoms such as racing heart rate, sweating, feeling faint, nausea, and worry that you’ll die (often related to the heart rate symptoms).  If you experience these symptoms, be sure to meet with your doctor to rule out any underlying medical causes.  However, if there is no obvious medical cause, see if you can connect your reaction to a specific reminder of trauma (as in a trauma response), or notice if the panic arises seemingly out of nowhere (as in panic disorder).

How to Manage Trauma Responses

There are two stages to handling trauma responses.  First, you need strategies to bring yourself back into your window of tolerance by calming the physical and emotional reactions you’re having.  Once you’ve been able to calm and self-soothe, the next step involves exploring the cause of the traumatic response and some options for processing and addressing that trauma.  Today, in Part 1, we’ll talk about the first step: reducing the intensity of your initial response. 

Reduce the physical and emotional overwhelm caused by the initial hit of trauma.

You can’t think straight when you’re in the middle of a trauma response, as your body and mind take you out of your prefrontal cortex (the part of your brain involved with decision-making, impulse control, and executive thinking) and move you into your limbic system (the emotional center; the fight-flight-freeze response).

In order to bring your thinking brain back online, it is necessary to calm down your nervous system enough to communicate to yourself that you don’t need to run from a threat, as the adrenaline response is prompting you to do.  Deep breathing, guided meditations, progressive muscle relaxation, grounding exercises, and other ways of calming down the nervous system are useful during these moments.

Use coping thoughts to calm your emotions.

Often, the traumatic event happened in the past and is not currently occurring, as in an experience of a car accident or a past experience of sexual assault.  In these cases, you can use words to remind yourself of your current distance from that painful experience.  They can help you ease the initial intensity of the trauma response.  These might include phrases like:

• I’m safe now, in this moment.

• I’m no longer in that situation.

• I can get through this.

• This too will pass.

• That was a painful experience, and I am not living it now.

But what if the trauma is ongoing?  When you are in a relationship with a sex or love addict who has betrayed you and are working the process of recovery, the traumatic experience may feel more present and real due to broken trust.  In those cases, it may be more helpful to use self-encouraging statements to affirm the strengths you have that are carrying you through.  These might include words like:

• I’ve been through painful moments before, and I’ve survived.

• I’m strong enough to handle this.

• I can’t control other people’s actions, but I can control my decisions and how I respond.

• I can handle this one day at a time.

• This is hard now, but in the long-term, I’m going to be okay.

Use a distraction technique.

If meditations and coping thoughts aren’t cutting it, use a distraction technique.  These are not meant to create unhealthy dissociation from your feelings or events, but instead are meant to help calm the intensity of your experience so that you aren’t as overwhelmed by it and can approach it with more curiosity.  It helps to think of this distraction as temporary, meant to bring your level of intense emotion down so that you can make sense of your reaction and respond differently. 

Using strategies popularized by dialectical-behavioral therapy (DBT) can help create this distraction.  Find an enjoyable activity that you can engage in for a period of time that takes your mind off the trigger.  Engage in a self-soothing behavior that helps you connect to your five senses.  Use the acronym ACCEPTS to help you connect with ways you can distract yourself from the distress. 

In Part 2, we’ll delve into how to explore and process the trauma response, creating tools to help you navigate its impact differently in the future.

Personal Strides in Partner Recovery: The Importance of Participating in Your Own Healing Work

If you are a partner of a sex and love addict, chances are you responded to the discovery of your significant other’s addiction with a mix of emotions: anger, fear, hurt, grief, rage, sadness, loneliness.  These emotions often come out of nowhere and blindside you.  You then have to deal with triggers that arise unexpectedly and bring surges of these intense emotions back.  You’re constantly revising history with the new information about the addiction at the forefront.

Just like anyone who has suffered an unexpected and devastating trauma, recovery from the revelation of a significant other’s sex and love addiction can be challenging and take time and a lot of work.  But one place that I see partners get stuck is with their eyes on the addict rather than their eyes on their own healing.

Where You Get Stuck

Immediately following discovery, your pain can serve as part of the push that generates enough discomfort for the addict to get into treatment and turn their life around.  This is often a good thing!  But not every addict responds in this way.  Sometimes the addict refuses help or seems half-hearted in their attempts to achieve sobriety.

In these situations, you might respond by focusing on the addict’s recovery: what he’s doing or not doing, how he is changing or growing in empathy, or a lack of change.  Being aware of these changes (or lack thereof) isn’t all bad.  It becomes a problem, however, when it’s all you think about.  When how well you are doing depends on the addict’s progress, that can lead to a tug-of-war in your relationship as you attempt to gain control over the impact of his addiction and his approach to recovery.

In attempting to take control of the addict’s recovery, you are trying to control your significant other’s choices, thoughts, behaviors, and attitudes.  But these areas aren’t something you have power over: their choice and responsibility belongs to them.  Attempts at control might include threats, manipulation, passive-aggressive comments, or constant criticism.

This response makes sense in light of powerlessness and fear that come with betrayal trauma.  But over time, you’ll see that it leaves you feeling hopeless, trapped, angry, and restless. 

What Could Be Beneath

Often, when partners shift into fix-it mode or any of these attempts to control their spouse’s recovery, it hints that they might be avoiding more painful emotions or uncomfortable realities they are now forced to face.  These might include the process of grief associated with finding out the person you married wasn’t who you thought they were.  It could involve insecurity about yourself, reminders of past experiences of trauma with an addicted family member, or re-organizing your concept of safety because of the addict’s deception.  You might be battling feelings of shame that prevent you from being able to share about your experience with others.

When you shift your gaze to your own healing work, you can finally experience the relief and freedom from chaos for which you’ve been longing.  You can move toward facing the reality of your current circumstance and taking decisive action to heal and become empowered. 

Practical Ways to Focus on Your Healing

Practice acceptance and commitment.

When I hear the Serenity Prayer, I think of the balance of acceptance and commitment: God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.  For you as a healing partner, this requires acceptance or recognition of the reality that your addicted partner is dealing with a legitimate addiction that has caused legitimate trauma, pain, and harm to you and others.  Courage and commitment come when you make empowered choices and recognize the control you have over your own life, response, and healing.

An important note: acceptance does not mean pretending that everything is okay and that you aren’t hurting.  That is denial, not acceptance.  Acceptance instead means recognizing that what has happened has actually happened and that it cannot be changed by wishing it were different.

The Karpman drama triangle can help us recognize reality.  When we look at the dance of the roles of victim-perpetrator-rescuer, we can identify where we’ve been swept up into the drama of addiction.  Recognize the drama you tend toward and learn ways to step outside the drama by identifying your own responsibility and making choices that reflect that.

Gear up with self-care.

Going through the trauma of the discovery of sex and love addiction is like getting in a car accident: you sustain injuries, some of which are plain to the eye, and some of which are invisible.  You need to take time and space to heal physical injuries by taking care of yourself: doing physical therapy, having regular doctor’s visits, eating and sleeping to recover, and resting your body.  Similarly, recovering from the wound of a betrayal requires you to take time and space to heal. 

Vicki Tidwell Palmer suggests focusing on the acronym PIES for self-care: physical, intellectual, emotional, and spiritual self-care.  How can you care for yourself in each of these ways?

Much of this self-care is best in the context of a community of support.  Find support for yourself through a 12 Step fellowship, support group, or a trusted group of friends who you know are safe.  Safe people are people who can handle hearing about what you’ve been going through without siding too strongly with you or with the addict.  They give you space to process and make your own decisions.  Support also comes through professional help with a therapist specialized in working with partners of sex and love addicts.

Learn and set your boundaries.

Boundaries are an important part of recovery from betrayal.  Saying no to continuing to tolerate behaviors that are intolerable while also taking responsibility for your own thoughts, emotions, choices, and attitudes are important pieces of recognizing your limits.  Setting boundaries can involve making requests of your spouse to change a behavior, but it is ultimately your responsibility to care for yourself regardless of their willingness to change.

The purpose of boundaries is to care for yourself, not to punish the addict.  These are not consequences you’re enforcing, like a parent with a child.  Instead, you are adapting your own behavior to respond to your partner’s behaviors  in a way that best cares for you.  One way to conceptualize this difference is to ask yourself: if my spouse never changes, how might I take care of myself?  You can make requests for him or her to change, but ultimately you are responsible for your own well-being and healing.

Unfortunately, setting boundaries in the early days post-discovery often become empty threats.  Threats to file for divorce or leave often get tossed around in the initial impact of the trauma, but usually they aren’t followed through upon.  Instead, define for yourself what your true deal-breakers are: what behaviors, if continued, would lead inevitably to needing to leave the relationship?  If we don’t know the answer to this question, every mistake or misbehavior gets categorized as non-negotiable.  However, if you’re not willing to leave when that behavior occurs, it’s not truly a non-negotiable.  As mentioned earlier, a trained counselor can help you through this process.

Get in touch with your emotions.

Emotional awareness is an important component of betrayal trauma recovery.  Your emotions provide a window to past experiences and clarify pain that needs care.  Emotions also connect to physical symptoms that may be frightening, like panic attacks, heart palpitations, pain with unknown origin, or decreased immunity.  (Note: if you have any of these symptoms, be sure to get checked by your primary care physician to rule out any other causes.)

While there are similarities to the symptoms of trauma, every betrayed partner has a unique, personal experience with discovering their significant other’s addiction.  This is heavily influenced by your unique upbringing with varied levels of trauma or pain.  Recognizing how the emotions that are arising now connect to themes of past experiences can help you heal from past wounds and identify what your needs are in the present.  As you become aware of your personal emotional reaction, you might also recognize what you might be avoiding by focusing on your partner’s recovery rather than your own healing.

Recognize distorted thought patterns.

Begin to recognize the common thought patterns that either allowed you to stick your head in the sand and avoid seeing the addiction, or that are chipping away at your confidence and ability to be empowered. Common distorted or unhelpful belief patterns involved in betrayal trauma recovery include such thoughts as:

• The addiction is my fault.  I wasn’t a good enough partner.

• I don’t deserve any better due to my shameful past.

• If only I had done ________ differently, this wouldn’t have happened.

• Other people don’t have to deal with this: I wish I could be like them.

• It isn’t the addict’s fault. It’s the fault of the pornography industry/affair partner/addict’s work environment.

• I can’t make it on my own.  I can’t survive without my spouse.

Do any of these phrases or other similar thoughts run through your mind?  Identifying which thoughts come up most often for you and dismantling them to uncover the truth is an essential part of your recovery journey.

Identify your particular tone of trauma.

In the same way that your emotional landscape is influenced by past experiences in your family-of-origin or other areas, the way in which trauma manifests often carries echoes of the past.  What trauma symptoms do you most identify with?  Do you feel trauma physically?  Emotionally?  Spiritually?  How might this be similar to what you’ve experienced with past trauma or with your family growing up?

If you recognize a history of past trauma that pre-dated the discovery of the addiction, it wouldn’t be surprising to have reminders of that past trauma resurface post-discovery.  Methods such as EMDR can help you process and heal those experiences such that you’re not carrying the pain from those into the challenging work of betrayal trauma recovery.