Think of the most recent argument you had with your spouse or significant other. What was it about? How did it start? What details can you remember about it? Can you recall exactly what you said? Exactly what your partner said? Were you aware of any emotions (other than anger) you were feeling in the moment? What about their emotions?
Often, memories of fights with our significant others can feel foggy. One reason why is that emotions are usually running high. One or the both of you might feel flooded, meaning you’re experiencing intense emotions that overwhelm you and make you unable to listen to your partner. Or perhaps the environment creates a distraction if you’re trying not to let your children hear you argue or you’re in a public place. It is common to end a conversation wondering what even started the fight in the first place.
When these arguments seem to happen on repeat, but without a clear picture of why, you might feel stuck in those ruts. One of the reasons I see couples repeating this cycle of unresolved arguments and building resentments is simply this: it all goes too fast. If you choose to slow the pace of your conversation down, you’ll find it much easier to hear one another and have a better outlook on the issue you’re discussing.
The Why Behind Slowing Things Down
Let’s consider the questions asked earlier: in order to know the answer to any one of them, you’d be required to slow down the discussion and ask questions of yourself or your partner. It’s hard to self-reflect when you’re racing through a conversation, let alone to ask questions and actually listen rather than try to persuade your partner of your side.
Slowing down affords you the opportunity to actually hear what your partner is saying. Not only that, it also gives you an opportunity to be heard by them, to get across what you’re trying to communicate.
Ways to Slow Down
First, notice signs that a conversation is speeding up and about to spiral out of control. You might recognize an increase in emotional intensity, raised voices, criticism, defensiveness, or other felt tension in the conversation.
Build in a signal that you’d like to slow down. You might use a short phrase or question like, “I’m feeling tense/flooded, can we slow down?” You could also ask for a pause and focus on taking a few deep breaths during that time. If your partner feels comfortable, you may reach out a hand to hold theirs. Having a conversation about these signals before you’re in an argument may help you decide on the best choice for the two of you.
Sometimes, it is challenging to direct the conversation to slow down when you’ve already begun the spiral into flooding. If that’s the case, ask if you can take a short, 20-minute break where you do a self-soothing or distracting activity. Then, return to the conversation with a focus on some of the strategies outlined below.
Repeat word-for-word what you hear your partner saying to you. Practice this reflective listening strategy to be sure that you understand what your partner is saying and ensuring they feel heard by you. This also gives them the chance to correct if what you heard is different from what they intended to communicate. Repeating your spouse’s words back to them forces you to slow down because you’re essentially going through the same statements twice. It’s okay if you can’t remember all the details: you can always ask your partner to repeat statements if you missed them.
One challenge that arises in this step is the tendency to formulate a response in your head while your partner is still talking. You will need to set aside that tendency in order to be fully present and listening to your partner, knowing that you will have an opportunity to share your perspective later in the conversations.
Ask about what emotions your partner is feeling. Often all you see in the midst of an argument is anger, but when you are able to identify other emotions that might be influencing the conversation, this can help you understand your partner better. As discussed above, repeat these words back to your partner when you hear them.
Tell your partner what makes sense about what they’re feeling or experiencing. Can you relate to the emotions your partner is feeling? If you were seeing things through their perspective, would it make sense for them to respond in the way they are? Find a part of their experience that you can connect with and empathize by offering validation of their perspective.
Validating your partner’s perspective is not the same as agreeing with everything your partner says. You can disagree with your partner’s perception of how you’re feeling or what you’re trying to communicate, and at the same time validate that if those things were true, they would cause your partner to feel hurt, sad, angry, etc. If your partner’s perception isn’t accurate or if you have a different perspective, you’ll have time to communicate that when you respond later on. For now, try to put yourself in their shoes and connect with how they would feel if their perception were accurate.
Ask any questions you might have. In order to make sure you’ve fully caught their perspective on this issue, ask any clarifying questions you might have. Be wary of asking questions that are meant to communicate your anger or emotion, such as “how could you be so selfish?” or “do you really think that was a good idea?” Instead, ask open-ended questions that can’t be answered with just yes or no, like, “how did you feel about that?” or “what makes this so important to you?”
Ask if they feel heard and understood by your reflection. Slowing down to ask this step ensures that your partner has a chance to correct or edit any details that you didn’t quite catch. It also allows them to self-reflect and identify if there’s more to the story that they need to share in order to truly feel understood.
Repeat the process in the other direction. Once you’ve been able to fully summarize your partner’s perspective to his or her satisfaction, then you can reverse roles and share your own perspective. This is not the moment to tear down their perspective, but to share your own experience so that they can understand you. Using a talking formula can provide structure to help you communicate effectively and clearly.
Sharing your perspective can be tricky if your partner isn’t aware of this process or interested in listening in the same way you have. However, if you begin by slowing down before responding, it is likely that your partner may be more open to listening to your side.
End by asking how you can support one another with whatever the issue is at hand. Likely, if you’ve been able to fully understand your partner’s perspective and have had a chance to share your own, you’ll be able to use a problem-solving mindset to identify possible solutions or compromises you can make on the issue that caused the argument. Some of these might require more discussion to figure out what works best for the two of you, but even identifying a need for more discussion is a good action step.