flooding

Taking it Slow: The Secret to Healthy Couples Communication

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Think of the most recent argument you had with your spouse or significant other.  What was it about?  How did it start?  What details can you remember about it?  Can you recall exactly what you said?  Exactly what your partner said?  Were you aware of any emotions (other than anger) you were feeling in the moment?  What about their emotions?

Often, memories of fights with our significant others can feel foggy.  One reason why is that emotions are usually running high.  One or the both of you might feel flooded, meaning you’re experiencing intense emotions that overwhelm you and make you unable to listen to your partner.  Or perhaps the environment creates a distraction if you’re trying not to let your children hear you argue or you’re in a public place.  It is common to end a conversation wondering what even started the fight in the first place.

When these arguments seem to happen on repeat, but without a clear picture of why, you might feel stuck in those ruts.  One of the reasons I see couples repeating this cycle of unresolved arguments and building resentments is simply this: it all goes too fast. If you choose to slow the pace of your conversation down, you’ll find it much easier to hear one another and have a better outlook on the issue you’re discussing.

The Why Behind Slowing Things Down

Let’s consider the questions asked earlier: in order to know the answer to any one of them, you’d be required to slow down the discussion and ask questions of yourself or your partner.  It’s hard to self-reflect when you’re racing through a conversation, let alone to ask questions and actually listen rather than try to persuade your partner of your side. 

Slowing down affords you the opportunity to actually hear what your partner is saying.  Not only that, it also gives you an opportunity to be heard by them, to get across what you’re trying to communicate. 

Ways to Slow Down

First, notice signs that a conversation is speeding up and about to spiral out of control. You might recognize an increase in emotional intensity, raised voices, criticism, defensiveness, or other felt tension in the conversation.

Build in a signal that you’d like to slow down.  You might use a short phrase or question like, “I’m feeling tense/flooded, can we slow down?”  You could also ask for a pause and focus on taking a few deep breaths during that time.  If your partner feels comfortable, you may reach out a hand to hold theirs.  Having a conversation about these signals before you’re in an argument may help you decide on the best choice for the two of you. 

Sometimes, it is challenging to direct the conversation to slow down when you’ve already begun the spiral into flooding.  If that’s the case, ask if you can take a short, 20-minute break where you do a self-soothing or distracting activity.  Then, return to the conversation with a focus on some of the strategies outlined below.

Repeat word-for-word what you hear your partner saying to you.  Practice this reflective listening strategy to be sure that you understand what your partner is saying and ensuring they feel heard by you.  This also gives them the chance to correct if what you heard is different from what they intended to communicate.  Repeating your spouse’s words back to them forces you to slow down because you’re essentially going through the same statements twice.  It’s okay if you can’t remember all the details: you can always ask your partner to repeat statements if you missed them.

One challenge that arises in this step is the tendency to formulate a response in your head while your partner is still talking.  You will need to set aside that tendency in order to be fully present and listening to your partner, knowing that you will have an opportunity to share your perspective later in the conversations.

Ask about what emotions your partner is feeling.  Often all you see in the midst of an argument is anger, but when you are able to identify other emotions that might be influencing the conversation, this can help you understand your partner better.  As discussed above, repeat these words back to your partner when you hear them.

Tell your partner what makes sense about what they’re feeling or experiencing.  Can you relate to the emotions your partner is feeling?  If you were seeing things through their perspective, would it make sense for them to respond in the way they are?  Find a part of their experience that you can connect with and empathize by offering validation of their perspective.

Validating your partner’s perspective is not the same as agreeing with everything your partner says.  You can disagree with your partner’s perception of how you’re feeling or what you’re trying to communicate, and at the same time validate that if those things were true, they would cause your partner to feel hurt, sad, angry, etc.  If your partner’s perception isn’t accurate or if you have a different perspective, you’ll have time to communicate that when you respond later on.  For now, try to put yourself in their shoes and connect with how they would feel if their perception were accurate.

Ask any questions you might have.  In order to make sure you’ve fully caught their perspective on this issue, ask any clarifying questions you might have.  Be wary of asking questions that are meant to communicate your anger or emotion, such as “how could you be so selfish?” or “do you really think that was a good idea?”  Instead, ask open-ended questions that can’t be answered with just yes or no, like, “how did you feel about that?” or “what makes this so important to you?”

Ask if they feel heard and understood by your reflection.  Slowing down to ask this step ensures that your partner has a chance to correct or edit any details that you didn’t quite catch.  It also allows them to self-reflect and identify if there’s more to the story that they need to share in order to truly feel understood. 

Repeat the process in the other direction.  Once you’ve been able to fully summarize your partner’s perspective to his or her satisfaction, then you can reverse roles and share your own perspective.  This is not the moment to tear down their perspective, but to share your own experience so that they can understand you.  Using a talking formula can provide structure to help you communicate effectively and clearly.

Sharing your perspective can be tricky if your partner isn’t aware of this process or interested in listening in the same way you have.  However, if you begin by slowing down before responding, it is likely that your partner may be more open to listening to your side.

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End by asking how you can support one another with whatever the issue is at hand. Likely, if you’ve been able to fully understand your partner’s perspective and have had a chance to share your own, you’ll be able to use a problem-solving mindset to identify possible solutions or compromises you can make on the issue that caused the argument.  Some of these might require more discussion to figure out what works best for the two of you, but even identifying a need for more discussion is a good action step.

The Key Roadblock to Effective Communication

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 “At one point I couldn’t even think straight.”  “I was seeing red.”  “I felt like a deer in the headlights.”  “I wanted to run out of the room.”  “Nothing I was saying was making any sense.”  “I just couldn’t listen to him/her anymore.”

Have you ever found yourself saying these words when describing an argument you had with your spouse?  You’re not alone in experiencing this phenomenon.  If you notice adrenaline pumping through your body and you can feel your heartbeat pounding, you might be experiencing what marriage researcher John Gottman describes as “flooding.”

Imagine you’re in a water tank as you talk with your spouse.  As the argument goes on, the water is rising closer and closer to your face.  As your heart rate increases, you slowly become submerged.  At this point, you can’t hear the person speaking to you above the water, you can’t see more than a foot in front of you, and you panic as you realize you can’t breathe.

Flooding occurs when you’re in the midst of a heightened emotional situation, like an argument where the Four Horsemen are present.  Your body goes into fight-or-flight mode, with the most obvious sign being a rapidly rising heart rate.  When you’re in this state of diffuse physiological arousal, the part of your brain that runs your impulse control and decision-making capacities shuts down.  Essentially, the thinking part of your brain is overtaken by the emotional part of your brain.

Flooding interrupts your discussion as you become unable to absorb what your partner is saying and understand his or her point of view. It’s easier to say hurtful or harsh words to your spouse that you will later regret.  As you get overwhelmed with emotion, your spouse can follow suit.

Often, flooding happens when you’re triggered by something unrelated to the present-day conversation.  Perhaps your spouse mentions feeling overwhelmed by household chores.  This immediately reminds you of how angry and unstable your mother would get when she felt overwhelmed, and memories arise of feeling unsafe.

When flooding takes place, here are a few ideas of how to handle it:

Acknowledge that flooding is happening.

Identify the signs of flooding as they occur, accept that it is a normal response to tense interactions with your spouse, and acknowledge that you aren’t the best version of yourself when you’re flooded.  By taking this first step, you preempt your spouse suggesting you might be flooded, as that will likely make the situation worse.

Communicate that you’re feeling flooded or overwhelmed.

When you notice adrenaline racing through you and your thoughts spiraling out of control, pause and communicate what you need to your spouse.  Your partner can’t tell what is going on in your body or foresee your emotions, but when you communicate how you feel you invite you partner to respond differently.

Ask your partner to rephrase the statement.

Your spouse may simply be communicating with a certain tone or phrasing that triggers you.  Asking your spouse to restate the sentence allows them to slow down and think about how they are expressing their concern.  As they reframe the statement, you can sort out if you’re being triggered by what they’re saying or by the way it is being expressed.

Practice self-soothing.

Mindfulness strategies for reducing anxiety can be helpful when your body is in fight-or-flight mode.  Focusing on your breathing brings you back to the present and tells your body that you’re safe and in control.  Practice these skills on your own so that you’re prepared to use them when needed in the midst of a conflict conversation.  When you notice being flooded, you can even invite your spouse to practice with you, using an app such as Headspace.

Take a 20-minute break.

When the discussion feels too overwhelming, ask your spouse for a 20-minute break.  Do something unrelated to the conversation you’ve been having with your spouse.  While you are on this break, be sure not to rehash the conversation, how you wish you would’ve responded, or what you’ll say next. Instead distract yourself: take a walk, go for a run, read a book or magazine, listen to a playlist of your favorite music, watch a funny TV show, draw, or doodle.  This calms your body’s reaction to the trigger and allows you to re-enter the conversation from a neutral state of mind.

Take a longer break.

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Sometimes 20 minutes just won’t cut it.  Returning to the conversation at a later date gives you an opportunity to cool down.  If you choose this option, set a specific time to return to the conversation and make sure you follow through. You’ll avoid resentment and bitterness that can come if the conversation goes unfinished.

Before that continuation conversation, identify what triggered you in the earlier conversation. Notice where you’ve felt that particular emotion in your life, including outside your marriage.  Be prepared to share what you discover with your spouse, as well as one thing both you and your spouse could do differently the next time you’re triggered. The goal of sharing about your trigger isn’t to create guilt in your partner, but to create intimacy in your relationship.