Hooked on Porn? How Your Online Sexual Activities Might Hint at Sex and Love Addiction

When was the first time you used the internet?  Are you one of the generation that can still remember the sound of the modem booting up?  Or did you grow up with an iPhone in your pocket and and iPad keeping you entertained from as early as you can remember?

What about the first time you saw a pornographic image online?  Heard stories about internet predators asking to meet teenagers for sex?  Stumbled into an adult chat room or adult site without knowing how you got there?  For those of us who have used the internet at some point in our lives (which I would venture to say is all of us, especially if you’re reading this article now), we’ve likely also been exposed to sexual content that we didn’t bargain for.  Statistics state that 34% of people who use the internet have been accidentally exposed to pornographic images through popups, ads, spam, and other intrusive methods.

But sadly, it isn’t just the internet where explicit sexual images can be found.  All you have to do is turn on cable TV or Netflix and peruse the prestige TV shows to find graphic sexual scenes.  Images that once would have been considered pornographic or inappropriate for TV are now becoming commonplace and even normal.  We’ve become desensitized to sexual content.

34% of people who use the internet have been accidentally exposed to pornographic images through popups, ads, spam, and other intrusive methods.

For younger generations who had the easy accessibility of pornography on the internet, pornographic images and videos provided sex education.  The average age of first exposure to pornography is age 11.  It is easy to get hooked on these videos as a young age, as watching the films releases “feel-good” neurochemicals, such as dopamine, into your brain that are similar to those involved in sexual behavior.

To add fuel to the fire, cultural messages about pornography make it seem as though it is completely acceptable.  Teenagers are often introduced to porn because their friends are watching it.  Pop-up ads, spam emails, search terms, and mistyped URLs can easily lead children into a rabbit hole they didn’t know existed.  Women can be pressured by boyfriends to view porn because that’s how the boys learned about sex.

The average age of first exposure to pornography is 11.

What’s frightening about sexual content on the internet is how insidious its use can be in developing sexual addiction.  Sexual content combined with the trance-like nature of internet usage creates a dopamine rush that requires more and more intensity to get the same "high".  When we look at a statistic that says traffic on pornographic sites is higher than that of YouTube, Amazon, and Twitter combined, it is difficult to deny the potential for addiction.

Women also may struggle uniquely with shame around pornography use.  Although one-third of all visitors to pornographic websites are women, resources for support and help are often targeted toward men, and the cultural stereotype is that all men watch porn.  70 percent of women keep their porn use secret.  Due to the relational nature of adult chat rooms, many women are drawn to connect with others through this online world to fill their desire for intimacy. Similar to a relationship addict, these individuals can form intense relationships online that gives an unhealthy substitute for healthy intimacy.

Sexual content combined with the trance-like nature of internet usage creates a dopamine rush that requires more and more intensity to get the same "high".

Porn creates a fantasy world.   Pictures are edited and sexual acts are performed in a way that highlights certain physical features.  This sexual fantasy does not match up to reality, and it leads to a degradation of female sexuality and an idealization of sex. Pornography can lead an addict into what is referred to as “addict” time, where real time seems to slow down or stop, but actually passes quite quickly as the addict is consumed by pornographic images and becomes out of control.

Guilt and hiding associated with online sexual activities can actually contribute to a more powerful sexual experience, as it heightens adrenaline. This increased adrenaline can lead to more risky sexual behavior. Online sexual activities increase likelihood of affairs or the destruction of a person’s reputation if the online activities are shared publicly.

Although one-third of all visitors to pornographic websites are women, resources for support and help are often targeted toward men. The cultural stereotype is that all men watch porn.

Easy access of both pornography and cybersex through the Internet are opening up addicts to images and activities that they would not have known about previously. This can lead to obsessions with certain sexual images that become “burned-in” to your thought patterns. The Internet has plenty of opportunities to view these images, from the anonymity and ease of its use, marketing campaigns for pornographic sites that use sexual stimuli, trance-like behavior caused by computer use, and the use of denial because Internet activities are not “real.” Patrick Carnes, a pioneer in the sex addiction field, describes that intrusive thoughts arise in much the same way as traumatic memories in trauma survivors, which affects the types of sexual behaviors they find arousing.

How can you tell if your online sexual behaviors might indicate sex and love addiction?

• Do you find yourself losing track of time when you engage in sexual activities online?

• Are your online sexual activities secret?

• Do you find yourself idealizing sex or viewing it as the ultimate expression of love after watching pornographic images online?

• Are you involved in intensely sexualized relationships with people you’ve met online and haven’t interacted with face-to-face?

• Do fantasies about sexual activity you’ve engaged in online overshadow or affect real face-to-face sexual intimacy?

• Are you turning to watching pornography compulsively in order to self-soothe, escape, or avoid painful feelings?

• Have you had interactions with ex-boyfriends, ex-girlfriends, or strangers online that your spouse would be angry to see?

• Do you feel a rush or “high” when you start engaging in sexual behaviors online?

• Are you disgusted by the type of pornographic images that excite you?

• Do you tell yourself, “having sexual chats with people online doesn’t matter because it’s not real”?

Addicted to Love: Signs You Might Be Struggling With Love Addiction

What image comes to mind as the perfect romantic relationship?  Where did you get those ideas? From observing your parents?  From movies, TV, books?  While in my undergraduate social psychology class, I was shocked by the results of a project where I viewed television shows watched by teenagers and recorded examples of sexual content and stereotypes about men and women.  Even seemingly innocuous shows had subtle sexism or distorted messages about love and relationships.

You only have to turn on The Bachelor or the Hallmark channel to see that we are a people in love with love.  For every cheesy Nicholas Sparks movie and Disney princess who needs only to find her prince, there are messages across all forms of media that imply that, in order to have value or worth, a woman must be loved by someone. The sad truth is that these messages tend to stick in girls’ minds at a young age, leading them to believe that they are worthless without a man.

In some cases, this can become a constant, obsessive search to find acceptance and value through romantic relationships.  Particularly when combined with the deadly cocktail of abuse and trauma, this striving for the perfect relationship can develop into a full-blown love addiction.

In her book No Stones, Marnie Ferree defines relationship, or love, addiction as a compulsive pattern of extramarital affairs or promiscuity, whether married or single.  Pia Mellody, an expert in the field of love addiction and codependence, defines a love addict in her book as “someone who is dependent on, enmeshed with, and compulsively focused on taking care of another person.”  She identifies that this is often based on a pattern of codependence, where self-esteem and self-value are wrapped up in how their romantic partner views them.

Ferree’s research showed women tend more toward love addiction than men, simply because women are more relational.  Love addicts seek to find satisfaction in relationships, often starting a new relationship soon after the end of another. These relationships are not necessarily sexual, although that often develops as a component.  Love addiction can lead to romantic relationships outside of your identified sexual orientation as you become consumed with another person. The emotional and sexual intensity in these relationships is mistaken for the intimacy the addict craves.

Codependence and love addiction are often confused, particularly since codependence and enmeshment are hallmark traits of love addiction. Mellody emphasizes that love addicts are more significantly characterized by low self-esteem and inability to care for themselves.  In some ways, love addiction can become a drug of choice to deal with codependence, rather than other addictive behaviors that codependents can turn to. 

Ultimately, love addiction is a disorder of intimacy.  It is a compulsive obsession with absorbing yourself in a relationship with another person in order to define yourself, find value, and believe you are worthy.  It creates a distorted façade of intimacy that prevents the addict from being abandoned by their lover, but prevents healthy intimate relationships from forming.

At this point, you may be wondering if this particular struggle applies to you.  Ask yourself these questions to see if you might have a problem with love addiction:

• Do you obsess constantly over relationships?

• Do you compulsively move from relationship to relationship, unhappy but unable to leave?

• Do you try to end or leave unhealthy relationships, but always seem to find yourself coming back to them because you hate being alone?

• Do you feel completely consumed by another person, to the point that you forget all about other obligations and responsibilities you have?

• Do you keep trying to stop these relationships, but find that you’re powerless to do so?

• Do you spend significantly more time and energy on your romantic partner than you do on your own self-care?

• Do you expect your partner to constantly validate and affirm you, and then feel devastation and self-hatred when they don’t?

• Are you terrified of being abandoned by your significant other?

• Is your self-esteem or self-worth dependent on your partner’s view of you?

• Do you depend on other addictive behavior (alcohol, drugs, sex, food) to cope with the pain and stress of ending a relationship?

• Do you act in ways that are contrary to your values in order to keep your primary relationship at whatever cost?

• Do you have a pattern of multiple affairs or cheating?

Seven Signs You Might Have Clinical Anxiety

Your heart is racing, your hands are shaky, and your palms are sweating.  Your pupils dilate, and you feel panic rising in your chest.  You start to feel nausea growing in the pit of your stomach, and you feel slightly dizzy and off balance.

Maybe you’ve had this experience when you were about to give a speech, run a race, or play a sport.   This is an example of what happens when our bodies go through the fight-or-flight response that characterizes anxiety. It’s our body’s response to any perceived threat: our adrenaline kicks in to give us that extra boost of energy to push through.

However, when you struggle with clinical anxiety, that fight-or-flight response never truly turns off.  You’re responding to all of life’s daily worries with an adrenaline surge, and your body and mind get worn out as a result.

Occasional anxiety can be helpful, because it keeps us motivated.  But when it becomes problematic and interferes with our lives, it becomes more harmful than good.

You may be asking: what is the difference between just feeling worried or anxious occasionally, and actually struggling with an anxiety disorder?  Here’s some common signs of clinical anxiety:

You notice physical symptoms, like feeling restless and worked up all the time, or your muscles feel tense and tight.

Physical symptoms of anxiety can often be one of the early indicators that you may struggle with this particular disorder.  Have you ever noticed you’re feeling nervous by holding up a hand and watching it shake?  Pay attention to how your body feels: if you notice shaking, trembling, twitching, exaggerated startle response, or feeling shaky, these might be indicators that you’re feeling some anxiety.  It can also show up in common stress responses, like headaches or stomach issues.

I’ve recently noticed anxiety shows up in me in the form of an internal shakiness: when I’m feeling fear or anxiety about an upcoming event, I shiver as though I were outside in the cold, even if I’m in a warm room.  While I may not be feeling the emotion of fear or anxiety, I am aware that I am anxious because of my body’s response.

Your negative thoughts and fears feel like they’re on a constant loop that you can’t turn off, and you feel worried about most areas of your life.

It is common to experience anxiety about a particular area of your life from time to time.  Clinical anxiety, however, is characterized by worrying so much about all different areas of your life such that you can’t shut the worry off, even when you may need to for an important reason.  This anxiety is excessive, interfering with daily life and the tasks at hand.  It is a general rule that the more areas over which you are feeling anxious, the more likely it is that you are struggling with an anxiety disorder.

The worst-case scenario is the first option that pops into your mind.

Everyday worries can usually be explained or rationalized away, and they typically don’t jump to the worse possible option.  On the other hand, clinical anxiety cannot be rationalized: even when you know your fears are unfounded, the experience of the emotion of anxiety won’t stop.  Even if your fears aren’t realistic or logical, they can feel overwhelming.  This is often one of the most frustrating parts of experiencing an anxiety disorder!

You’re at a loss to figure out what made you anxious in the first place.

“I know I’m nervous because I have a big test tomorrow.” Understandable, right? Feeling anxious about a definable problem like a big exam can be expected.  But when the exam is over and the worry doesn’t stop, or you wake up one morning and feel on edge without any particular reason, that might be an indicator of a more severe form of anxiety.

You have hard time focusing, or you forget what you were doing right after you begin.

Have you ever had the experience of sitting down to focus on a task, and immediately thinking of five other things you need to do?  The constant stream of anxious thoughts running through your head can be too much for your brain to hold.  Trying to keep track of multiple different threads of worries at once can distract you from the task at hand, which leads to forgetfulness and difficulty maintaining attention.  This can have an impact on your ability to be productive, which then feeds right back into anxiety you feel about being unproductive.

You’re short-tempered and easily irritated.

Having so many things on your mind can detract from your empathy and understanding of others.  You can feel overstimulated and overwhelmed by the stress response you’re experiencing.  For that reason, you may notice yourself becoming more annoyed or frustrated with people or circumstances around you that increase your worry.

Some symptoms of anxiety can mask themselves as depression: feeling tired all the time, lack of energy, and/or insomnia due to racing thoughts or fitful sleep.

You might think, “I worry a lot, but I don’t always get keyed up.  Mostly I shut down, and feel sad, exhausted, and unmotivated.”  Anxiety and depression play off of one another, so much so that what feels like depression might actually be anxiety.  They are two sides of the same coin: you may be depressed and your body needs to create anxiety in order to get you energized to complete the task at hand, or you may have anxiety followed by depression when your body decides it is too much and slows you down.

With anxiety, the constant stream of worry and anxious thoughts that you’re experiencing wears your body down.  As a result of your body functioning mostly on the adrenaline produced by the fight-or-flight response, you are more easily tired out.

Is This Normal, Or Do I Have a Problem? Six Questions to Ask Yourself if You Think You Might Be a Sex and Love Addict

I often come across people who have wrestle with the label of “addict” to define their problematic sexual behaviors.  In a cultural time when sex is spoken about more freely and we are pushing back against past cultural norms, it can be a confusing endeavor to define your own personal values in this area and discern if behaviors are problematic.

To be honest, I have my own difficulty with the term “addict”.  It can be stigmatizing, it has all sorts of negative stereotypes attached to it, and it is sometimes even overused to the point that it loses all meaning.  Particularly in churches, the label of “sex addict” may be overused for individuals who struggle with lust or sexual sin.

Patrick Carnes, a pioneer in research on sex and love addiction, defines addiction as “a pathological relationship with a mood altering chemical or behavior.”  In the context of sex and love addiction, Carnes developed a simple tool based on the CAGE alcohol abuse screening model to use to tell if your actions can be categorized under the umbrella of sex and love addiction.

Let’s say I have a client named Ann.  Ann comes into my office and immediately starts off with, “I’m having trouble with this whole ‘addict’ thing.  I mean, I really don’t think I’m an addict.  There are people who are way worse than I am.”  After asking a few more questions, I hear from Ann that she’s been viewing pornography daily, compulsively masturbating, and hooking up with men at work.  Her husband has no idea this behavior is happening.

I may use Carnes’ screening tool in order to determine if Ann is struggling with sex and love addiction. He uses an acronym called PATHOS that covers the following six questions:

Preoccupied: Do you often find yourself preoccupied with sexual thoughts?

Ann tells me that she thinks about sex all the time, “but isn’t that normal?”  While it would be odd not to think about sex at all, if you find that sexual thoughts and desires make up the vast majority of your thought content, this may be an issue.  Similarly, if you obsessively avoid sex, this question still applies: a large amount of your thought content is still related to sex, even if it’s on how to avoid being sexual.

Ashamed: Do you hide some of your sexual behavior from others?

As mentioned earlier, Ann’s husband has no idea about the behaviors she’s been engaging in.  When asked if she would tell him, she adamantly denies that it’s any of her husband’s business.  This deception is often an indicator of some level of shame surrounding the behavior, or a knowledge that what is being done is at odds with her value system.

Treatment: Have you ever sought therapy for sexual behavior you did not like?

Currently, Ann has identified a treatment goal of wanting to “watch less porn,” as it often keeps her up late into the night, which makes her groggy and distracted at work the next day.  While she didn’t come in saying she had an addiction, she did realize that some of her sexual behaviors were problematic and were affecting the rest of her life.

Hurt others: Has anyone been hurt emotionally because of your sexual behavior?

Ann may not think her behavior is affecting anyone, especially since her husband is unaware of what she’s doing.  However, when we consider the time she takes away from her husband, the mood shifts and irritability that happen with addiction, the relationships she fosters without her husband’s knowledge – these things are affecting and hurting him, even if Ann does not see the full impact currently.

Out of Control: Do you feel controlled by your sexual desire?

When asked if she had ever tried to stop her behaviors, Ann mentioned a couple of times where she was able to go a few days without, but never longer than a week.  She also mentioned that once she had the idea in her head to search for porn, it would just happen on autopilot, without making a conscious decision to act on that thought. 

Sad: When you have sex, do you feel depressed afterwards? 

Even though Ann didn’t initially mention any sadness after her sexual behaviors, through the course of therapy we found that she would often feel numb after her sexual encounters.  We discovered this was a way in which Ann covered over her feelings of depression.  This, in turn, worsened the depression as she distanced herself from her husband and any other relationships in her life.

While Ann’s story is fictional, this all too often is the experience of a sex and love addict, and he or she can feel as though they have nowhere to turn.  However, there are many resources available for those who struggle with sex and love addiction – the first step is to share with your therapist so that he or she can come up with a plan together with you.