Defusion of Distressing Thoughts: Acceptance and Commitment Therapy Series

How many thoughts would you guess pass through your mind in a single day? Let’s imagine you’re out to eat with a friend.  Even with your best intentions to stay present and listen, there’s a running commentary going on in your mind.  What are some of the thoughts you might have?  I wonder what she’s thinking of me.  Should I have said that?  I sound like an idiot. I’m still so angry from that meeting with my boss this morning.   He’s so overbearing and impossible to work with.  What am I forgetting from my grocery list?  I’m so forgetful, I must be losing my mind.

Needless to say, these thoughts pull you out of the moment and make it more challenging to listen. You might find yourself censoring what you say out of insecurity, comparing yourself to your friend, or even cutting your lunch date short to get back to the office quickly because you’re feeling stressed.

What’s happening?

When you find yourself stuck in your thoughts, you’re likely dealing with cognitive fusion, another destructive mental strategy that acceptance and commitment therapy (ACT) addresses.  When we’re in cognitive fusion, we believe that the workings of our internal mind (thoughts, memories, images, reasoning, comparisons, etc.) are true and real, such that we allow them to influence our behaviors.  Our thought patterns have power and control over our lives and seem to make our decisions for us.

Often these thoughts include cognitive distortions, like catastrophizing or all-or-nothing thinking.  They can include negative self-talk or beliefs about yourself that you hold to tightly based on past experiences.  When we believe these things, they become self-fulfilling prophecies.  For example, our fears of being awkward contribute to social anxiety or discomfort.  We then avoid social situations to try to manage the uncomfortable feelings that coincide with them, adding to the dynamics of experiential avoidance that lead us to disengage rather than live out what is important to us.

There are several different types of cognitive fusion that we may face.  They include:

• Rules: “shoulds” for self or others, ways the world or people “ought” to work or be.  Example: People should always be kind and respectful.

• “I” stories: identity-based statements about ourselves that become self-definitions and self-fulfilling prophecies.  Example: I’m always late.

• Judgments/evaluations: beliefs about what is fair vs. unfair, good vs. bad, or right vs. wrong.  Example: It’s unfair that I keep getting passed over for the promotion.

• Meaning-making/reasons: justifying what I do or looking for the answer to the “why?” question to explain what happens.  Example: I’m single because I’m so socially awkward and unattractive.

• Worries about the past/future: overfocus on the past or anxiety about the future that pulls us out of the present moment. Example: How am I ever going to pass that exam next Friday?

• “You/They” stories/comparison: beliefs about others that become self-fulfilling prophecies, particularly as they relate to us. Example: She’s better than I am at everything.

Cognitive fusion is a problem because our thoughts and feelings then run our lives for us and toss us around at every whim of our minds.  Yes, thoughts can feel very powerful.  Memories that pop up as flashbacks, ingrained patterns of meaning that carry shame, and automatic responses that elicit strong emotions can feel crippling at times.

Yet it is important to recognize that, though these thoughts can feel powerful and real, they may not have as much power as we think.

What is defusion?

Consider the image of defusing a bomb, as in an action movie.  In order for the hero to save the day, they must somehow disconnect the power this ticking time bomb has in order to keep it from destroying its target.

Similarly, our thoughts act as ticking time bombs that can unleash an explosion of painful thoughts and emotions, followed by destructive behaviors that lead us away from our values.  We can defuse the thoughts by removing the charge that sets them off: the automatic behavioral reaction that comes after the thoughts.  We do this by observing our thoughts from a place of distance rather than getting caught up in the storm they create in our minds.

The previous two concepts we’ve discussed in this Acceptance and Commitment Therapy series are essential building blocks to support this defusion.  Defusion helps us to practice acceptance to willingly encounter painful thoughts and feelings, rather than running away or avoiding experiences we find uncomfortable.  It is also essential for us to remain in the present moment in order to be aware of these thoughts from the role of an observer.

Principles

Thoughts are just thoughts.

Thoughts do not have the power to control your life.  You can have a thought come into your mind, but choose to act in a way that is different from your default response to the thought.  They do not have to control what you do.

Thoughts don’t last forever.

We find some surprising results when we pay attention to how many varied thoughts we have in a day.  To test this, sit quietly in a room with a pad of paper and write down every thought that pops into your head for 5 minutes.  When you’ve completed that list, count how many thoughts you had and multiply that number by 192 to create an estimate of how many thoughts you have in a day.  Recognizing that your thought patterns are fleeting and eventually come to an end can reduce their power.

How we relate to our thoughts is more important than the content of the thoughts.

ACT approaches thoughts differently from a traditional cognitive-behavioral approach, which places emphasis on understanding and changing the content of your automatic thoughts and core beliefs.  While reframing thoughts can be beneficial for some people, ACT theory emphasizes that our thoughts are powerful because we assign that power to them.  Rather than attempting to change a thought that may not be changed very easily, it is more effective to defuse the power of those thoughts.

This approach is helpful if you have tried to change the way you think about yourself or others for a long time, but aren’t finding those changes sticking.  Rather than continuing to try to force a change, allow the thought to be present, but reduce its power by taking an observer role and acting in accordance with your values instead.

Thoughts, emotions, meaning-making, memories, images, and other internal experiences are just products of the mind.

These internal workings don’t have any greater meaning than that.  They don’t have the power to force us to behave in any particular way, despite the fact that we may believe they do. 

At the same time, we can choose situations in which we want our thoughts to have an influence over our behaviors.  We can choose to engage the thoughts that move us more toward what is important to us.  In this way, we’re not eliminating the power of our thoughts entirely, but making an intentional decision of how much power we want to give to those thoughts.

Practices

Keep a record of your thoughts.

Listen to and track your thoughts, noticing whether they carry a positive, negative, or neutral charge.  Identify if there are any strong emotions that go alongside them.  Notice what behaviors flow naturally out of your thoughts and emotions.  Are those behaviors you want to be engaging in?  Or are they impulsive, reactive, automatic responses?  You can find a helpful tracking tool for this step here.

Affirm your role as an observer of your internal world.

After recording your thoughts, you are in a better position to recognize and notice thought patterns as they come up.  When you have a distressing, painful, or challenging thought, see what happens when you intentionally remind yourself of the phrase, “thoughts are just thoughts.”  How does it impact the power of that thought?

Similarly, you could label your internal experience as if you were an outside observer with words like, “I’m having the thought…” or “I’m having the emotion…”. Another strategy is to imagine your thoughts being played on a radio or told as a story outside of yourself.

Visualize the thoughts passing by.

Often we fixate on our thoughts, which gives them the illusion of power.  We obsess over them or attempt to stop them from coming up, which just entrenches them more deeply in our minds.  Instead, use this commonly practiced mindfulness technique: instead of trying to control, change, alter, or rid yourself of your thoughts, just notice them passing by.  Using a visual cue, like imagining thoughts like cars passing on the street or clouds floating by in the sky, can help you to allow them to pass through your awareness without giving them undue attention.  You’ll notice that your thoughts don’t need to command your focus all the time, but that they can come and go.

Write the thought down and look at it regularly.

If you notice a pattern to your distressing thoughts, such as a repeated phrase or belief that feels like it controls you, take that thought and write it down on something you can carry with you, such as a notecard or post-it note.  Throughout your day, pull out the note with your thought on it and read through it.  Notice how it feels when you look at it.  See yourself as an outside observer of that thought.

Notice how the relationship you have to the thought changes.  The words on the paper do not change, but the way you interact with them will differ at various points throughout the day.  This is a good indicator of the importance not of the content of the thought, but of how you relate to it.

Imagine a common situation influenced by this thought, but with a different outcome.

Choose this thought you’ve written on the card, another common thought pattern you’ve identified, or an image or memory that tends to impact your behaviors.  Now imagine yourself having that thought, but making a different decision about how to respond to it.  What behavior might line up better with what is important to you?  What would change?  How would an outside observer see you?  Would it be possible to act in a different way while still having the thought?

Take a risk and put your different outcome into practice.

Now put into practice this shift in behavior in response to your thought.  Release the thought using a statement like, “thoughts are just thoughts,” and take a risk to act in a way that aligns with what is important to you.  For example, if you’re in a social situation with the thought, “I’m too awkward to talk to people like them,” take a risk by engaging in conversation with one of those feared individuals.

Recognize that this will not eliminate the thoughts.  In fact, taking the risk may even intensify your discomfort.  But this practice of stepping out and making a change in your behavior while still experiencing the uncomfortable thoughts can teach you that your thoughts don’t have the power you think they do. You still have control over your own actions such that you can respond to challenging circumstances in alignment with your values.

Practicing Acceptance: Acceptance and Commitment Therapy Series

Tell me if you’ve had a day like this one: you’re in your car on the way to work.  The sky is blue, the sun is shining, and the road is clear…until you hit the freeway and traffic comes to a standstill.  You’re slightly annoyed, as you don’t want to be late for your meeting at the beginning of the workday.  Suddenly, a car whips in front of you, nearly hitting your front bumper.  Your anger skyrockets.  You might yell some curse words or make a rude gesture at the driver.  By the time you arrive at work 15 minutes late for your meeting, your day is ruined.  You may think to yourself, “why do I always do this?  There’s no reason to get this worked up about traffic.”

We began this Acceptance and Commitment Therapy series with an overview of ACT’s purpose: to approach all situations and circumstances with an eye toward personal values and committed actions in alignment with those values.  The first concept discussed was contact with the present moment, which requires staying in tune with your sensations, thoughts, and emotions in any given part of your day.  But what happens when those internal experiences are frustrating or overwhelming?

Acceptance

The next concept of ACT is so crucial to this theory that it makes its way into the name: acceptance.  As humans, we often attempt to avoid or control our pain. In so doing, our creativity and perspective become narrowed, and we are disconnected from what is important to us.  Our interpretation of events magnifies our pain and disrupts our daily life. 

When we resist acknowledging the painful realities that exist in our internal world and our external experiences (circumstances, other people, relationships, etc), we create tension that interferes with taking action and causes us to feel stuck.  In his book Acceptance and Commitment Therapy, the creator of ACT called this experiential avoidance, defining it as “efforts to control or avoid private experiences (eg. sensations, emotions, thoughts, memories, urges) when doing so is ineffective, unnecessary, or contrary to living a meaningful life.” 

Why We Need Acceptance

It makes sense that we would act in ways that attempt to protect us from pain.  But often the end results of our self-protection are consequences and disconnection from our values.  And trying to force our internal world to change doesn’t always work.  We can’t force ourselves to feel a certain way, we can’t suppress our urges for very long, and our thoughts arise automatically.

In the same vein, it is impossible to control things that are outside of ourselves, as much as we may try.  We cannot force someone to love us, change others’ thoughts or experiences, or control how bad traffic is on any given day.

In addiction recovery, addicts often find that trying to suppress their urges to act out or use their drug of choice end up backfiring.  Similarly, denial of the reality of harm done by their addiction in relationships can lead to the dissolution of those relationships and more severe consequences than if reality was accepted and acknowledged in the first place.

What Acceptance Is…and Isn’t

We need to practice acceptance in order to thrive and create the life we want.  But what does acceptance look like on a daily basis?  It requires taking the role of an observer of both your internal world and external circumstances to see things as they are without judgment, removing any labels like “good” or “bad.”

But acceptance is not the same thing as settling or resigning yourself to your fate.  Settling is a passive response: putting up with their circumstance without any hope of taking action.  Often, those who feel they have settled carry some degree of anger or resentment, even if it is buried beneath the surface. They feel stuck in a situation they don’t want, and it seems impossible to change.

We think acceptance means a barren life, but the opposite is actually true.  Acceptance is not a resignation or giving up, and it doesn’t require you to like the situation in which you find yourself.  In fact, acceptance leads the way to change.  In order to change what isn’t working, we must first accept the reality of what is.

Principles

Suffering is universal and unavoidable.

None of us can go through life without pain.  Pain will be there whether we accept it or not.  Many of our efforts to avoid or control pain end up creating more harm for ourselves or others, in such forms as addiction or relational disengagement.  Accepting the reality that we will experience pain can help us prepare for it and be conscious of it when it happens, rather than being taken by surprise, believing that we should always be happy, or expecting that we will think positive thoughts all the time.

Observe negative thoughts or painful emotions without attempts to change them.

One recent study showed that repeating positive self-statements did not have a positive effect on those with low self-esteem, but rather left them feeling worse.  Attempts to avoid pain by forcing positive thoughts actually had a negative effect on those individuals.

According to ACT theory, attempts to change negative thoughts or painful emotions only exacerbate the pain and don’t allow for acceptance.  This principle exists in contrast to more traditional cognitive theories, like cognitive-behavioral therapy, that encourage reframing or changing thought patterns.  ACT also contrasts the cultural message that if you’re struggling with negative thoughts or painful feelings, you must not be trying hard enough to get better.

Often in acknowledging these thoughts and emotions and letting go of the need to change them, you can experience a greater peace as you become an observer rather than a controller of your experience.

Open up to what shows up. 

Acceptance is characterized by a mindset of openness, both to circumstances outside of yourself and your internal response to those circumstances.  It involves a willingness to engage and receive whatever comes, whether it is painful or joyful.  We choose to engage with the feelings and circumstances that we would rather avoid, moving closer to them in an attempt to grow toward thriving in a meaningful life.

Foster creative hopelessness.

As you’ve made attempts to cope with painful emotions and circumstances, you’ve probably noticed that your coping strategies have varied levels of impact.  However, one thing you’ll likely see is that none of your coping strategies eliminate pain forever.  Even if it is a temporary fix, the pain will come back at some point.

Creative hopelessness comes when we recognize that none of the things we do to try to change our internal or external worlds actually eliminates pain.  Many of our attempts to do so are futile in the long term, even if they provide temporary relief.  Acknowledging this reality means that we can begin to explore more creative strategies about how to live out our values. 

Practices

Observe your thoughts, feelings, and urges intentionally.

Sit in a comfortable position and set a timer for five minutes.  During that time, observe any thoughts, feelings, sensations, memories, or urges that float through your mind and body.  As you’re doing this, recognize that there is no need to change them, but simply to observe them.  Notice how long they take to work their way through your system or if they repeat or resurface.  Notice any impulses you have to suppress or push them away.

The purpose of this observation time is not to clear your mind, but instead to watch your mind and body and catch what comes through you.  There is no judgment of these thoughts as “good” or “bad,” but rather an impartial awareness. 

List experiences you are avoiding.

Make a list of any experiences, both internal and external, from which you are trying to stay away.   Maybe it’s an emotion, like anger, that comes with an urge toward violence or lashing out verbally.  Perhaps it’s a belief you have about yourself like, “There must be something wrong with me.  I’m so stupid.”  Maybe it’s an uncomfortable social situation where you tend to feel shame or embarrassment.  Usually, these avoided experiences are those that create some form of pain in your life, whether due to an internal cause or a circumstance outside of yourself.

Identify attempts to control, avoid, or influence painful experiences.

Make a list of behaviors you do to try to control or influence your circumstances, reduce discomfort, and/or avoid pain.  More obvious behaviors are external, such as going for a walk or binge-watching TV.  But also include those behaviors that are internal, such as suppressing thoughts or overanalyzing your emotions.  This list can include both self-destructive or harmful behaviors as well as supportive coping behaviors.

Now ask yourself: do any of these internal or external coping behaviors eliminate pain completely?  Do they make it so that pain will never come back?  Or do they provide only temporary relief within the larger context of life?  Chances are, you’ll find that no behavior can completely erase the experience of pain.

Dig deeper into your behaviors.

Look back at the list you just created and notice patterns of behaviors that help you avoid or control pain.  Ask yourself: what would happen if I did not carry out these behaviors?  What thoughts, feelings, urges, memories, or sensations would be left?  What, in essence, am I avoiding?

Similarly, you might ask yourself what function the behaviors serve.  How do they work for you, and why do you keep going back to them? 

Evaluate the function of your avoidant behaviors.

It is important to acknowledge and validate your process of avoidance so that you don’t begin to shame yourself for your behavioral response.  We will never fully eliminate the urge to control pain with these behaviors, so seek to understand and accept your coping behaviors with kindness and compassion.

One way to recognize a behavior’s function over time is to track the ways in which you avoid pain in the upcoming week. Notice how that goes.  Recognize how different behaviors work or don’t work for you, and notice where avoidance gets in the way of value-based living.

Slow down and acknowledge.

Practice slowing down to acknowledge a painful internal experience.  Use the prompts in the first observation practice to connect to your body and mind as you consider a painful moment.  Can you survive the temporary feeling of pain?  Often we think we can’t handle or survive a painful emotion or experience, but reality tells a different story. 

Then imagine holding that internal experience in your awareness while also doing something that is important to you.  Is it possible to be acting in a way that is in accordance with your values while also feeling pain?  Can you feel a certain way, have a memory resurface, or think a painful thought and still show up how you want in life?  Can you exist and thrive with these thoughts, feelings, urges, sensations, and memories still being present?  Imagine yourself doing so and see what comes up.

Contact with the Present Moment: Acceptance and Commitment Therapy Series

Imagine with me that you’ve been in therapy for a while.  You’ve been addressing the faulty thinking patterns of shame and self-doubt that led you into depression.  Or you’ve been working through panic and crippling fear that propelled you into treatment for anxiety.  Perhaps addiction and its lasting effects on you and your family led you to seek counseling, and you’re beginning to experience healing.  Or you’ve learned strategies to cope with some of the worst of your chronic pain. 

Yet, in spite of these gains you’ve been making, you find that you still get stuck.  Whether you wish you could just make the anxiety go away, or you are hit with triggers of addiction at the most inopportune times, the lasting impact of these experiences might never disappear.  You wonder to yourself, “will I ever just be happy and not have to deal with this anymore?”

Enter the game-changing principles of acceptance and commitment therapy, or ACT.  ACT is based around the concept of psychological flexibility: an openness to your present experience that allows you to adapt your response to any circumstance in service of your personal values.  Rather than attempting to change or eliminate negative thoughts or alter emotions, ACT focuses on utilizing mindfulness to recognize and separate who we are from our negative internal experiences (acceptance) and focus instead on implementing value-based actions (commitment).  It acknowledges that suffering is a universal and inevitable reality, and the goal of “being happy” isn’t always realistic to life.

Often where we get stuck in our work through varied mental health and life struggles is wishing they would disappear entirely.  But when that is not an option, ACT provides another path that can enrich and deepen your life.

In this series, we’ll be covering the six components of psychological flexibility that make up the foundation of ACT.  These include contact with the present moment, acceptance, defusion, values, self as context, and committed action. 

Contact with the Present Moment

Consider the thoughts you’ve had in the past hour.  How many of them have been about something that’s coming up in the future?  What about past experiences and events?  Or have any of them been focused on what’s happening right now?

The majority of our thoughts are focused on recalling past events or planning for the future, rather than being in the present.  Therefore, we don’t accurately observe what we’re experiencing in the moment.  Our lack of connection to present experience causes us to feel confused when we react in a way we don’t expect to certain situations.  We don’t often understand the cause and effect of our actions because we are distracted by our thoughts.

Contact with the present moment requires you to “be here now.”  Be present with your thoughts.  Be aware of what is happening in your body.  Notice the sensations you feel, the ways in which your five senses are interacting with the world around you.  Be conscious of your emotional landscape.  In essence, this component invites you to bring attention to your current experience without the filter of your thoughts and judgments. 

Principles

Nonjudgmental awareness

What does it mean to bring attention to your experience without a filter?  It requires you to contextualize your emotions, sensations, thoughts, and urges as data of which to take note, rather than interpreting those events with certain labels or assumptions.

We tend toward these judgments naturally.  Have you ever had thoughts like, “This is bad,” “I am stupid,” or “That would be perfect”?  Most commonly, we label things as “good” or “bad.”  For example, you might feel excitement about an upcoming event and label that experience as “good,” but fear about driving through rush hour traffic is labeled as “bad.”  On the way, a car could cut you off in traffic, and you automatically have a negative thought about someone else, label the thought as “bad,” and become angry with yourself for having that thought. 

Instead of jumping to judge, this component encourages you to approach those thoughts and emotions differently.  Notice what happens and occurs in your body instead of instantly moving to label or assume something about yourself or someone else.

Let go of the “why”

We often seek to make meaning out of our experiences, whether consciously or not.  We have a natural tendency to try to figure out why things work the way we do, including our minds and our bodies.  However, that can sometimes backfire and prove unhelpful, particularly in situations that have many factors outside of your control.

Attempting to find the meaning behind an accident or sudden death can keep you stuck in pain much longer than is needed.  Similarly, wondering why you’ve been hit with chronic pain or illness simply intensifies the experience.  Staying with the present moment and experience without venturing into the “why” of it is another way to prevent losing contact with the present.

Mindfulness as an access point

Mindful awareness in ACT is intended to help you come to know and understand yourself more fully.  The purpose of mindfulness here, moreso than relaxation, is to recognize our minds, feelings, urges, body sensations, and experiences in a way that helps us come to terms with our reality.  Mindfulness is not emptying the mind, controlling the mind, or focusing concentration. Mindfulness can happen even if you aren’t sitting still or you struggle to focus on your body.  Any moment can provide an opportunity to check in and become more aware of your internal landscape.

There is no right or wrong way to approach mindfulness.  In fact, the way in which we approach mindful awareness can often teach us something about how we are living our lives and the challenges we experience.  Have trouble connecting with your body? That’s a piece of data you can take away and learn about yourself.  Find yourself falling asleep when you try to do a mindful breathing exercise? That could hint at some clues about your pace of life or your needs for sleep.  Let the process of mindfulness be another source of learning about yourself.

Practices

Create intentional space for mindful awareness

In your busy day, you might find it difficult to devote an extended period of time to a guided meditation or mindfulness exercise.  Instead, look for opportunities to create a moment or two where you pay attention to your thoughts, emotions, and experiences in the present moment in a different manner than you would normally.  I’ve written previous articles about quick meditations or simple grounding exercises that may provide helpful strategies or ideas to implement this.

Use formal or informal practice

You might be someone who is well served by setting aside a specific time each day for a mindfulness meditation or grounding exercise, like those listed in the article above.  If that describes you, find a time in your day where you can slot 10-15 minutes to sit quietly, breathe, and bring awareness to your internal experience.  Meditation apps like Headspace or Calm may help you if guidance would feel supportive.

But what if you don’t have the time to set aside for mindfulness meditation?  Remember what we discussed earlier – you can be mindful at any moment throughout your day.  Bring awareness to the warm water on your hands and the smell of dish soap as you wash the dishes.  Notice the thoughts that are running through your mind while you’re out for a walk.  Pay attention to the feelings that arise in you while you’re having a conversation with your spouse or a friend.  Any moment can be a mindful moment if you choose to bring present awareness to your thoughts, emotions, sensations, and urges.

Build in a daily pause

Create a time each day where you can slow down and observe or describe your experiences.  This might be first thing in the morning before you hop out of bed or as you prepare to fall asleep.  You may want to set an alarm for some point during the day as a reminder to check in with your internal experience.  Focus on what’s happening, rather than interpreting what is happening through a label of judgment.  What’s more important for you is the growing awareness of what is happening internally, not the mind’s interpretation of what is happening.

Make it work for you

Don’t allow someone to tell you, “you need to meditate every day for 15 minutes or else you’re doing it wrong.”  As mentioned earlier, there is no right or wrong way to be mindful!  Adapt what works for your circumstances at this point in your life.  Allow for flexibility as you seek to connect more with the present moment, and let go of any rigid expectations or needs for the time.  Often you’ll find that it’s challenging to become aware of the present moment, or your experience doesn’t go how you would expect.  Resist the urge to label that as a “bad” experience and instead remember that it is all normal, part of the learning process, and also providing you with helpful information about yourself.

Keep an eye out in future weeks as we continue to explore the different components of psychological flexibility found in ACT that can help you get unstuck in your healing process.

Six Strategies to Regain Control Over How You Use Social Media

It’s Saturday night, and you’re home alone again watching Netflix.  Cuddled up in your blanket, you open Instagram on your phone.  Before you know it, you’re scrolling through your feed, checking out all the latest engagements and baby announcements of your friends.  You see a group of former high school classmates taking a beach vacation together, a group of friends posting a picture out at the bar, and your ex posting a photo with his new girlfriend.  Suddenly you’re swimming in a sea of depression, self-loathing, and comparison.

Whether you’re a mom of young children bogged down by the demands of a Pinterest perfect lifestyle or you’re obsessed with the number of views of your Instagram story or TikTok video, use of social media has infiltrated our culture to such a degree that our lives feel defined by our status updates.

A study completed at University of Pittsburg a few years ago indicated that heavy use of social media was correlated with depression.  Connections were also found between time spent using social media and the severity of depression symptoms, number of social networking platforms used and levels of depression, and a decline in happiness with use of Facebook.

A major factor in the link between social media and depression is what University of Houston researchers termed “social comparison”.  This refers to the tendency we have to flip through our feeds and compare our lives to those of our “friends.”  People present their best, most polished selves on social media, and we spend time comparing those highlights to our worst moments.  We can feel jealous of what others have and give in to the mistaken belief that being perfect is what will make us happy.  Even comparing ourselves as better than someone else can have a negative impact on our moods.

Bullying plays a significant role in negative moods associated with social media.  Research shows that negative experiences are common on Facebook – in fact, as many as 1 in 4 adolescents reported being bullied through text or social media.  These negative experiences can not only contribute to depression in the short-term, but they can cause long-term traumatic effects.

What are some ways you can regain control over the impact social media has on your mental health?

Remove the apps from your phone.

Sometimes when I’m bored, I suddenly find myself mindlessly scrolling through Instagram.  Has this ever happened to you? The easy accessibility of apps on our phone makes the choice to look at social media almost unconscious. Deleting certain apps makes that decision more of a conscious choice.  Adding the extra step of typing the website into the browser before you can look at it is a deterrent from mindlessly scrolling social media.

Turn off your devices or charge them in a separate room an hour before bedtime.

In addiction treatment, “HALT” is an acronym used to describe situations in which addicts are more likely to be triggered: when they’re hungry, angry, lonely, or tired.  These emotions can come up late at night, particularly feelingtired and lonely.  In other words, nighttime is the perfect setup for you to be sucked into a social-media-fueled depression.  If you place your devices in a separate room and make a point not to use them before bed, this takes the temptation away.

Take a social media break.

When social media feels like it’s consuming your life, consider taking an intentional break. Choose not to look at any of your social media apps for a day, a week, or a month.  Enforcing this break might involve deleting apps from your phone or using an app like RescueTime to limit your ability to access social media.

Limit checking social media to certain times of the day.

It’s easy to click over to TikTok, Instagram, or Facebook many times a day without thinking, and we can feel the wasted time slipping through our fingers.  Instead, choose two or three specific times during the day that you know you’ll have time and plan to look at your social media accounts then.  Sticking to this plan allows you to look forward to your scheduled time to check.

Figure out your purpose for social media.

Have you ever stopped to think why social media is so important to you?  Is it to maintain friends?  To feel connected to people who are far away?  To receive support or encouragement from others?  Or even just to distract you when you’re feeling bored?  Ask yourself why you are using it.  Studies have shown that those who use social media for positive interactions, social support, and social connectedness have positive outcomes for depression and anxiety.  How can you use social media as a means through which you can decrease loneliness?  Remind yourself of what purpose it serves for you every time you log in.

Take an active role.

Use your Facebook or Twitter accounts as a tool to post honestly about your life, to give encouragement to your loved ones, or to connect with your friends.  Studies show that “surveillance use,” or seeking to use social media to observe others’ lives rather than express your own (or what I think of as mindless scrolling) increases depression.  Use these accounts to share your authentic self and embrace your imperfections, combating the mistaken belief that perfection is the goal for happiness.

This article was originally posted on November 30th, 2017 under the title “Six Simple Ways to Cut Through the Social Media Funk.”

The ACT Matrix: A Map to Awareness and Empowerment for Change

Imagine you wake up in the morning full of energy, looking forward to what you have planned for the day.  As you step into the kitchen to make your coffee, you think of the big presentation you have coming up for work.  Suddenly, you start feeling afraid and nervous as you imagine everything that could go wrong.  Thoughts of insecurity begin to flood your mind: “I can’t do this.  I don’t know enough to give this presentation.  This is going to be a disaster.”

The energy you felt getting out of bed is draining fast.  After pouring yourself a cup of coffee, instead of tackling your emails or the tasks you had planned to complete in the morning, you end up sitting on the couch and scrolling through Instagram.  Maybe you give up on the coffee altogether and go back to bed.  Or you pick a fight with your spouse when they walk into the kitchen to let out some of the stress and anxiety you’re feeling.

Later in the day, you think back and wonder, “How in the world did that happen?  My morning was going great, and then everything fell apart so quickly.  Why does this happen to me?”

Oftentimes, we find ourselves in frustrating patterns of behavior that make us unhappy, but we’re not quite sure how to change them.  Often these concerns lead people to seek out counseling.  They know there’s something wrong, but they just aren’t sure how to fix it.

Luckily, there is a tool for making sense of these thoughts, behaviors, and feelings: the ACT matrix.  It is a guide to seeing your behavior within the framework of what inner and outer experiences move you toward or away from what really matters to you.

The ACT Matrix

The ACT Matrix was developed out of Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT), which emphasizes the balance between acceptance of your current reality (supported by mindfulness and self-soothing strategies) and commitment to change what is within your control (supported by behavior change strategies and skill-building).  The goal of this framework is to move toward change with compassion and self-understanding, integrating nonjudgmental awareness and making peace with challenging emotions and experiences.

The ACT matrix tool was developed as a way to visually represent this framework.  It was created by Kevin Polk, Jerold Hambright, and Mark Webster for use with trauma and addictions.

Credit: Dr. Kevin Polk

The matrix helps you see the function of your behaviors, or how and why they work (or don’t work) for you.  Understanding these foundations can help you take a more holistic, compassionate, and long-lasting approach to change.

The Horizontal Axis: Moving Toward vs. Away

Looking at the diagram above, you’ll notice a horizontal line with the labels “toward” and “away.”  This axis represents how we move in each of these two directions.  We have hard-wired biological responses that move us toward things that feel important to us and away from potential threats or what we do not want.  Consider the instincts of animals in the wild: they move toward things that provide something they need (food, shelter, other animals of their kind) and away from threats (predators, wildfires, humans). 

The Vertical Axis: Inner vs. Outer Experience

As humans, however, we don’t live our lives purely on instinct.  We can observe and respond to stimuli that are outside of ourselves, but we also have a vibrant inner world that influences and shapes our responses.  We can use reason, control impulses, make decisions, and weigh options.

The vertical axis on the diagram represents this shift between our inner and outer worlds.  Our outer experiences are things we do that other people could observe, including behaviors or actions.  Our inner experiences are what happens inside our mind and body: thoughts, feelings, sensations, decisions, etc.

In every moment of our lives, we exist somewhere on this vertical line.  Either we are more connected to our internal world, absorbed by the thoughts and feelings associated with it.  Or we are more connected to the outer experience, what we’re doing or what’s happening around us.

The Matrix as a Road Map

Consider that each of these axes are a continuum.  Rather than living in all-or-nothing, this matrix provides a road map to identify what can move you closer to one side or the other.  There are a range of possibilities to explore along each of these lines.

Creating Your Matrix Map

Now, let’s consider how you can reflect on your personal values to fill out this road map and identify what patterns are keeping you stuck.  We do this through a series of four questions that guide you to identify how you are moving toward or away from your goals, and how your internal experience as well as your behavior play a role in that dynamic.  Let’s start with the bottom right quadrant.

Quadrant 1 (bottom right - moving toward, inner experience)

What matters to me?  What is important to me?  What values do I hold?

Write a list in this quadrant of what is most important to you.  Aim for about 4-5 people, things, concepts, values that are most significant.  Reflect on what they mean for you.  For example, if one of your values is “happiness,” consider what your ideal picture of happiness would look like.

Quadrant 2 (bottom left – moving away, inner experience)

What thoughts, feelings, urges, or other internal experiences get in the way of living into those values?  What limits me from being able to have what is important to me?

Reflect on the internal experience that gets in the way of the full expression of those values.  Perhaps your lack of confidence prevents you from being able to date and pursue marriage, which is valuable to you.  Maybe you feel bouts of intense sadness and grief over the loss of a loved one, which is preventing you from living out your goal to achieve at work or pursue friendships.

Quadrant 3 (top left – moving away, outer experience)

When I have the thoughts and feelings in quadrant 2, what do I do?  How do I respond in observable behaviors?

Now it’s time to see how these thoughts and feelings influence your behaviors and how you respond.  These may include attempts at coping with the troubling internal experience, for better or for worse.  What you’re looking for here is anything that moves you away from what is important to you.  For example, you may find yourself overeating every time you feel lonely.  Or you drink more when you’re dealing with a storm of insecure thoughts. Perhaps you withdraw and isolate from others when you’re feeling lonely or rejected.

Quadrant 4 (top right – moving toward, outer experience)

What can I do to move me toward what is important to me?

The ultimate goal of this guide map is to help you brainstorm and define ways to increase movement toward the things that are important to you.  By reflecting on the first three quadrants, you may be able to clarify for yourself what behaviors support your values and goals.  You might identify initiating a date with your spouse as an action that moves you toward intimacy in your marriage.  Or you might include exercise or getting more sleep if one of your values involves health and fitness.

Feedback Loops

Often where we get stuck is in the interplay between quadrants two and three.  Look at the behaviors you listed in quadrant 3.  When you engage in those behaviors, how do they impact your thoughts, feelings, urges, and inner experience?  Typically, they either reinforce the internal experience that’s already happening, or they create another inner dynamic that moves you away from what you value.

When we have an inner experience that is challenging, distressing, or painful, we respond to that experience with behaviors that reinforce it and send us back into the pain.  No wonder we find ourselves stuck in those loops!  But there’s good news: once you’re aware that this feedback loop is happening, you can change the way you interact with it, often by using the behaviors involved in quadrant 4.

Compassion

One strength of the ACT matrix approach is looking at these behaviors with a nonjudgmental lens.  When you see where they fit on this road map, you can identify how they function. All behaviors have a function and work to serve that function, even if they seem confusing or counterintuitive.  Another way to explain this is that everything you do works for you in some way – otherwise, you wouldn’t be doing it.  What you need to ask yourself is what function that behavior is serving in your life.

For example, if you find yourself endlessly scrolling through social media, perhaps that behavior is serving a numbing function.  Maybe it is a way to feel connected when you’re isolated from loved ones.  Or perhaps it’s a springboard for creative ideas.  Each of these potential functions (and sometimes a combination of several) drives and motivates this behavior. 

Seek to offer kindness to yourself and explore where you are on the continuum without judgment, exploring where you might want to go and what steps you can take to get there.

Agency

Some versions of this matrix include a circle at the center that overlaps all quadrants.  This circle represents you as the observer, becoming aware of the system of thoughts, emotions, and behaviors that influence you.  Awareness of the system can lead you to reflect on what’s in charge of the systems in place: for example, who is in charge of choosing what’s important to you (quadrant 1)?  Who is having these thoughts and emotional responses (quadrant 2)? Who is acting on these behaviors in response to the thoughts and feelings (quadrant 3)? The answer to all these questions is you.

This demonstrates how much agency you have over these areas of your life, empowering you to change.  If you are the one in charge, then you are the one capable of creating change in your life.  You can become aware of the feedback loops in your life and explore alternative options.  You can learn new skills to move you toward what is important to you.  Even small changes like intentional mindful breathing can shift your experience between your inner and outer world, demonstrating the control you have over your moment-by-moment experience.

Spend a day observing your movement on this ACT matrix: how your thoughts and actions influence how connected you are to your inner or outer experience, or how much you are moving toward what feels important or moving away from it. Become more conscious of the behaviors that move you toward what matters to you and to reduce the intensity of the feedback loops you experience.

If you find yourself noticing these patterns but still feeling stuck or unable to change, that’s where a good therapist can help you work through those stuck points. 

Additional ACT Matrix Resources

• Kevin Polk, one of the creators of the ACT Matrix, has trainings to understand this concept further through his ACT Matrix Academy.

• Mark Webster, another contributor to the matrix, has a three-part YouTube series demonstrating how it works.

• Jacob Martinez, an ACT matrix trainer, has resources at his ACT Naturally website.

EMDR’s Resourcing Tool: A Support in Challenging Situations

All of us have difficult conversations or tough people that we need to face at some time in our lives.  It could be a confrontative conversation with a boss, a tense conversation with a spouse or family member, or walking into a stressful or anxiety-inducing situation.  For an addict in recovery, you might notice triggers that propel you into a desire to act out in your addiction.  For those with trauma, re-engaging with a person, place, or circumstance that is associated with your trauma may lead to fear and anxiety as it brings the memory flooding back.

How can you walk into these challenging moments with a greater sense of confidence and courage?

EMDR, or eye movement desensitization and reprocessing, is a commonly used treatment for PTSD and complex trauma.  Part of the process of EMDR involves bringing awareness to past traumatic memories, which can feel scary or uncomfortable.  Because of this, before the processing of memories begins, you’ll be prompted to create what are called resources.

These resources associated with EMDR are not only effective for preparing you to face uncomfortable, scary, or painful memories.  They can also help you prepare for everyday moments of distress in the present and future.

What are resources?

Resources are places, people, feeling states, animals, objects, etc. that you hold in your imagination to create an internal emotional shift.  For example, a commonly used resource is peaceful place visualization, in which you imagine a place that feels calm and peaceful for you.  Other resources can include supportive figures in your life, such as a nurturing caregiver.  You may also find resources in character qualities or traits you display or have observed in others.  By connecting to these resources in an imaginal capacity, you can connect to the emotional and physical experience of them. 

In EMDR, we couple the imaginal connection to these resources with bilateral stimulation (BLS).  These could be the back-and-forth eye movements associated with EMDR but could also involve tapping alternate sides of the body.  In her book Tapping In, Laurel Parnell teaches strategies to “tap in” these resources using BLS, and much of the resourcing work in this article comes from her work.

Resources are important in EMDR because they can increase your confidence when facing memories, as you know you have your resources as support available to you internally.  In everyday life, resources can help you transition out of a traumatic memory or painful situation.  They can be accessed in your imagination in the present when you notice yourself beginning to spiral into negative self-talk, distressing emotions, or self-destructive behaviors.  They can prepare you for future situations in which difficult emotions or experiences might arise.

How to Find Your Resources

Now that you have an idea of what resources are and when you might need to use them, let’s explore using your imagination to create some of the resources. 

Peaceful, Calm Place

Bring to mind a place that feels peaceful or calm to you.  It can be real or imaginary – a beach, a river, a forest, a room in a secluded cabin – whatever works for you.  Notice what you see, hear, smell, taste, and feel in that place.  Connect to any emotions that arise or sensations you feel in this imagined place.  You’re trying here to connect to the emotional experience: the right-brain, felt sense of the place.  What’s most important isn’t getting the imagery perfect but connecting to the emotional experience of peace or calm that the place evokes.

If you notice your mind going toward the negative and/or your emotions head in that direction, remember that this is your personalized place.  You can control the weather, who is there, whatever you need.  Alter your imagined place until it truly feels peaceful to you.  If that is too challenging based on triggering factors related to that place, consider switching to a different place.

It might be helpful to journal through this or other resources to further solidify the connection to this visualization.  You can read through this journal later to re-connect to the sensations.

Supportive Figures

These three types of supportive figures (nurturing, protective, and wise) are based on Dr. Laurel Parnell’s resourcing work in her attachment-focused EMDR approach.

Nurturing figure

Imagine a person, animal, or symbol that carries a nurturing quality.  It can be fictional or real.  You don’t have to imagine that figure nurturing you: instead, be able to observe a nurturing quality to it.  Pay attention to the sensory experience of observing that nurturing and notice how it feels in your body and the positive emotions it stirs up for you.

Protective figure

Like the nurturing figure, imagine a real or imaginary person, animal, or symbol that carries a protective quality.  You can pull ideas from movies or books.  Remember, you don’t have to imagine that figure protecting you, but instead be able to observe a protective quality in it.  Pay attention to the sensory experience of observing or receiving that protection and notice how it feels in your body and what positive emotions come up for you.

Wise figure

Finally, the wise figure is the last imaginal, supportive figure.  Here, imagine a person, animal, or symbol that you consider to be wise.  Pull the image to mind with as much detail as you can.  When you have a sense of that wise figure, observe the emotions and sensations associated with receiving or observing wisdom.

Supportive figures as a team

Once you’ve identified one or several figures in these categories, you can imagine them together with you as a team.  As you become aware of the presence of each figure, observe how to feels to have all of them on your team, backing you up. 

Character qualities

When you consider the challenge of accessing memories and/or facing difficult moments in the present or future, what resources or qualities might you need to be able to face them?  For example, if you’re considering facing a feared situation, perhaps you’d need courage.  If you’re trying to remain sober, you may need willingness and resolve.  If you are having a challenging conversation with your boss, you might need steadfastness and confidence.

Whatever the character qualities you identify, look back through your life and identify times when you have expressed or embodied that characteristic.  If you can’t think of a time when you’ve displayed that characteristic, consider someone you know or a scene you’ve observed (real or fictional) when you’ve seen that character quality on display.  As you bring attention to that image or scene, observe how you feel and what sensations come up for you, again with a focus on the positive.

Now, imagine yourself in the situation you’re fearing, carrying that character quality with you.  How would you feel?  What would change in your body language?  How might it affect what you say or do?

Container

You may find that when distressing feelings, imagery, or sensations come up, they tend to overwhelm and take over.  This can be true when processing memories, but it can also be true when thinking about entering into feared situations.

In this visualization, imagine a container of some sort, like a steamer trunk, plastic organization box, a chest with a lock, a drawer, etc.  Bring awareness to the physical characteristics of the container by identifying sensory imagery that goes along with it.  You’ll be using your imagination to place negative internal experiences into this box, so feel free to add a lock, chains, or other items that help to make the container feel like it can securely remain closed.

Then, when you’re experiencing negative emotions, fears, memories, or sensations, imagine yourself placing that material into the container to be addressed later.

How to Tap In Your Resources

With any of the above resources, simply visualizing them can bring a sense of greater peace, support, or strength.  To ramp up the power of that experience, however, you can take advantage of the brain’s natural system of strengthening through adding bilateral stimulation in the form of taps.

When you have the picture, emotion, and sensation of the positive resource in your mind’s eye, slowly alternate tapping each knee or the outside of your thigh 6-8 times slowly.  Notice if the feelings evoked by the resource increase in their positive charge.  If so, take a pause, and then do another set of 6-8 taps.  Continue this rhythm until the feeling gets as strong as it can.

You can also try tapping using the “butterfly hug”, in which you cross your arms over your chest and alternate tapping each shoulder slowly for 6-8 taps.  For a demonstration of what this looks like, watch this video.

For more support on this practice of tapping in resources, look into the book mentioned above, Tapping In by Laurel Parnell.  In this book, she gives more detailed instructions and more ideas for resources you could tap into for these difficult moments.

The Types of Thoughts that Keep You Stuck and How to Combat Them

So much of our day-to-day life is impacted by our thoughts, whether we’re aware of them or not.  Our interpretation of events as filtered through our thoughts influences how we experience the world around us.  What we believe about ourselves can affect our confidence, for better or for worse.  How we perceive others can lead to connection or conflict.

Cognitive behavioral therapy, or CBT, is one of the most common treatment methods in mental health counseling.  One of the central principles to the CBT approach is a recognition of the power of thoughts, or cognitions, to impact our emotional well-being and our behaviors and choices. 

When a situation occurs, your response to that situation typically involves three things: thoughts, emotions, and behaviors.  You might more easily identify your emotional response or how you react behaviorally. What CBT points out is how emotions and behaviors are influenced by your thoughts, or interpretation, of the event.

Since the thoughts you have in response to a situation are the catalyst to emotional distress and destructive behaviors, targeting these thoughts can be a game-changer in improving your overall mental well-being.

Three Types of Thoughts

There are three layers of thoughts that influence emotions and behavior as identified in the cognitive-behavioral model: automatic thoughts, intermediate beliefs, and core beliefs.

Automatic Thoughts

Automatic thoughts are situation-specific thoughts that pop into your head.  They’re referred to as “automatic” because they largely arise from subconscious awareness – you aren’t choosing actively to have those thoughts.  They might be positive, negative, or neutral in tone.

For example, let’s imagine you received critical feedback on a project you completed for work.  A positive automatic thought in response to this might be, “That was a tough project, but I know I have the skills to implement the changes they suggested next time.”  On the other hand, a negative automatic thought might be, “I can’t believe I missed those details.  I worked so hard on this project. Why do I always mess things up?” 

You probably aren’t aware of many of your automatic thoughts because they happen so frequently and quickly.  While some of these thoughts are distorted or influenced by your core beliefs or intermediate beliefs (defined below), you aren’t likely to question these thoughts naturally.  However, you can learn to become more aware of them and implement strategies to evaluate the accuracy of these thoughts.

Intermediate Beliefs

Intermediate beliefs exist as a mediator between automatic thoughts and core beliefs.  These are personal perceptions of how things work that influence how you interpret the current situation.  They can be rules, assumptions, “shoulds,” or attitudes that apply to a variety of situations with a broader reach. 

Let’s take a look at the automatic thoughts from above (“I can’t believe I missed those details; why do I always mess things up?”) to illustrate examples of the types of intermediate beliefs.  Perhaps your reaction is intensified by a rule, such as, “I should be perfect.”  Or maybe you have the assumption, “Weak people make mistakes.”  A conditional, “if…then…” belief might sound like, “if I succeed at work, then I will be okay.”

These beliefs not always explicitly stated, but can be held internally. They form as our brains try to make sense of what we observe in the environment around us from a young age.  We learn these beliefs from what we observe in our families-of-origin, our experiences, our relationships, and elsewhere.  These beliefs serve a purpose: they protect us from the deeper core beliefs that are often more painful and scary.

Core Beliefs/Schemas

Core beliefs are rigid, deeply rooted beliefs about yourself, others, or the world.  They are heavily based in past experiences, often beginning in childhood, and they can be reinforced by trauma.  Schemas are a series of interconnected core beliefs that form a mental framework to organize information. These core beliefs and schemas aren’t activated in every moment of life, but once they become activated, they have a strong influence on your emotional well-being. 

Some examples of core beliefs that might be at play in the work situation are, “I’m a failure.”  “I’m not good enough.”  “I don’t have what it takes.” “I’m weak.”

Core beliefs are a filter through which you see the world.  You observe and remember evidence that serves to confirm these beliefs, and you ignore evidence that doesn’t fit.  You may even find yourself creating situations for yourself that reinforce these beliefs as a self-fulfilling prophecy.  Or you may re-write positive information that doesn’t fit in with your schema or core belief to fit the negative belief (ie. “They gave me a compliment BUT they must have just felt bad for me because I’m so ugly.”)

How to Respond to These Beliefs

When you recognize these distressing beliefs, you can begin to change your pattern of thinking.  Remind yourself that these beliefs are not absolute truth, as much as they may feel that way while you’re having them.  You can pause and question the thoughts, reminding yourself of reality.

First, trace your automatic thought through the intermediate beliefs that influence it and the core beliefs it stirs up in you.  When you notice an automatic thought, reflect on what assumptions, conditions, or rules might be at play.  Use those to identify what core belief might be at work.  To facilitate this process, you can ask yourself questions like, “so what?” or “what does that mean about me, others, or the world?”

Once you’ve identified your three types of thoughts, here are a few strategies specific to each type of thought that may help you change those patterns.

Automatic thoughts

• Look for cognitive distortions and call them out. Cognitive distortions are common irrational belief patterns, such as all-or-nothing thinking, overgeneralization, jumping to conclusions, and emotional reasoning.  These happen so automatically that we often don’t realize they’re distorted until we slow down enough to recognize which distortion is at play.

• Normalize the subconscious, immediate reactions. Rather than getting caught up in anger at yourself for your negative automatic thoughts, identify their origins.  Connecting an automatic thought to a core belief or intermediate belief can help you make sense of why you would think that way and practice more kindness toward yourself.

Intermediate Beliefs

• Ask yourself, “where did I learn this from?” Look for examples where this rule, assumption, or condition was communicated to you or modeled for you, either directly or indirectly.  Identify if there were expectations in your family-of-origin or a traumatic event that may have solidified this belief.

• Check the validity of your beliefs. Just because you have a thought doesn’t mean that it is true.  Put your thoughts on trial by exploring the evidence for and evidence against their truthfulness. Consider what you might say to a friend in a similar situation: would you hold them to the same standard?  Why or why not?

Core Beliefs

• Act “as if” you believed the opposite. Consider what would change in your life if you believed the opposite of your negative core belief.  If your core belief is “I am a failure,” what would change in your life if you believed you were a success?  How would you respond differently?  Begin to experiment with some of those actions and observe what happens. You may find that changing the behavior with a mindset toward altering the core belief can lead you to new perspective.

• Seek out disconfirming evidence. Make a list of all the evidence you can find that your core belief isn’t true.  Instead of filtering positive information to make it fit your negative schema, try the opposite: see if there are alternative explanations for negative experiences.  Reframe your thoughts to fit that more accurate perspective.

How to Use In-the-Moment Mindfulness to Cope with Distressing Situations

Imagine you’re called into your boss’s office for a meeting about your performance at work.  How are you feeling before that meeting takes place?  What about while you’re in the office sitting across from him or her? 

How about when your spouse says those fateful words to you: “we need to talk.”  What’s going through your mind?  Do you feel dread in the pit of your stomach?  Resentment bubbling up internally about whatever they’re about to say?

Or maybe you’ve had to sit down with your child’s teacher to discuss their misbehavior at school.  Do you immediately jump to anger and defend your child?  Are you feeling shame about yourself as a parent?

We all have moments when we are caught off guard by relational tension, trauma triggers, marital strife, or unpredictable circumstances.  These events can stir up strong emotions that interfere with your ability to remain present and connected to yourself and the people around you.

You might get caught up in a shame spiral, lost in a cloud of your own insecurity and negative, self-critical thoughts.  Anxiety may take over and leave you feeling wired and on edge, interfering with your ability to hear what the other person is saying.  You can feel rage or anger toward the person with whom you’re engaging, leading to impulsive outbursts that you later regret.   

How can you cope with these intense emotional responses without letting them overwhelm you and derail the interaction?

Mindfulness

Mindfulness can be a helpful tool as you seek to soothe your anxiety, calm your fears, or reduce the intensity of your anger.  A simple definition of mindfulness is observing your current experience of emotions, thoughts, behaviors, and circumstances without judgment.

The “without judgment” quality is important, as judgments we make about our circumstances are often what intensify our negative emotional response.  To judge something is to see it as either good or bad.  For example, you might feel intense shame after a teacher talks with you about your child’s behavior because you feel like a bad parent.  Or you may be fuming at your boss because you think he or she is treating you unfairly in comparison with others in the company. 

Grounding strategies are a crucial part of mindfulness, as they create an access point to move you into more present awareness.  A grounding strategy uses physical sensations and sensory information to connect yourself to the present moment.  It involves tuning in to what is happening in the present as opposed to what has happened in the past or what you worry will happen in the future.

Ideally, daily mindfulness practice can set you up for success in these more distressing moments.  Practicing regular breathing strategies and sensory awareness allows for this response to come up more organically in your daily life.  But what happens when you’re in the middle of a conversation, work meeting, or parent-teacher conference when the distress hits?  What do you do when you don’t have time to take five or ten minutes away to do a more involved mindfulness exercise?

In-the-Moment Mindfulness and Grounding

These distressing situations provide an opportunity to adapt bigger-picture mindfulness skills you use elsewhere to keep you calm and engaged in the middle of challenging circumstances.  Using dual attention to focus on both what’s happening in front of you and your internal experience can be a game-changer in reducing your level of distress and emotional outbursts in stressful situations.

Use radical acceptance to limit judgment.

As mentioned earlier, the judgments and comparisons we make about our circumstances are typically what most contribute to our negative reactions.  Often, those judgments occur when we are powerless to change a situation.  The concept of radical acceptance teaches us to accept what we cannot change in the present moment, knowing that we can survive it.  Statements like “I can get through this” or “I’m strong enough to handle this” remind us that our current situation is temporary and make it easier not to judge based on the moment. 

Notice the points of contact between your body and the surfaces around you.

Using this technique to connect with your sense of touch can help ground you in the present. If you’re sitting in a chair, notice your back against the seat and your feet upon the ground.  If you’re standing, feel the ground under your feet.  Observe the feel of your clothing as it rests on your body. 

Tune in and slow your breathing.

Typically when distress, anxiety, or anger hits, your breathing will speed up and get shallow.  Notice your breath and whether you can feel your chest rising and falling (a typical signal of shallow breathing).  Intentionally slow down your breath and focus on breathing into your lower abdomen.  Counting your breaths can be helpful here, as it can give your mind a point of focus.  You could also use a breath ratio like four-square breathing (breathe in for 4 counts, hold for 4 counts, breathe out for 4 counts, and hold for 4 counts) or a 4-2-6 breath ratio (breathe in for 4 counts, hold for 2 counts, breathe out for 6 counts), if you are able to focus on counting while staying engaged.

Briefly scan through your body.

Another way to connect to yourself in the present is to complete a quick body scan.  Beginning at your feet, move awareness up through your body and note any areas of tension or stress.  When you feel tension, take a focused breath as if you are breathing into that area of tension and notice how it may relax in response.

Observe one item in the room.

Engaging your visual senses can help to ground you as well.  Look at an item in front of you: a stapler on a desk, the vase in your living room, a poster on the wall.  Notice as many details about that object as you can.  Observe its shape and texture.  Identify all the colors you see on it.  Estimate how big that item is.

Repeat a supportive word or phrase to yourself.

Words have power, and when you can remind yourself of supportive, encouraging words in crisis, it can defuse the tension you feel.  Use a short phrase like “I’m going to be okay” or “I can handle whatever happens.”  If you tend to feel shame or insecurity, use affirming statements like, “I can make mistakes and still be a good person.”  If you’re trying to contain out-of-control emotional reactions, remind yourself, “I can have strong feelings and still cope with this situation.”  Sometimes even a short word or phrase that cues you to breathe and calm down can help: words like “relax,” “breathe,” “peace,” or “calm.”

Pray.

When you feel powerless over your emotions or the circumstance you’re facing, offer up prayer to God, who is in control.  Pray for the outcome of the situation or ask God to help you stay present even though it might be challenging to do so.  At times, you can match a short phrase of prayer to your breath, such as “Come, Lord Jesus” or “Holy Spirit, come.”

Hold or touch an item and notice how it feels.

Similar to noticing the points of contact between your body and the surfaces it is touching, actively holding an object can help ground you using your sense of touch.  Bring a small object with you into a conversation you expect to be distressing and hold it in your pocket.  You can touch the arm of the chair you’re sitting in or the table in front of you and notice how it feels.  You can even hold your hands together or gently run your fingernails over the inside of your palms or fingers to observe the sensation.

Relax your facial muscles.

When we are in a stressful situation or are observing someone else’s distress or anger, we tend to mimic what we see in other’s facial expressions.  This can cause us to feel the same emotion that other person is feeling.  Instead, intentionally seek to relax the muscles of your face to take on a more neutral expression. Your emotions will likely follow suit.

Performance vs. Personhood: Battling Perfectionism in Finding Your Value and Worth

We live in a culture that tells us that our value and worth come from status symbols and outward signs of success.  These status markers show up in distinct ways: an expensive car, a leadership position at work, a vast number of social media followers, the approval of our friends and family, the number of hours we’ve worked in the past week, our grade point average, how many games we’ve won, how many publications our names are on…the list could go on.  Consider for yourself: what are your personal signs of success?

These symbols aren’t necessarily a bad thing in and of themselves.  Often, they signify good goals for which to strive.  But when your internal value or worth as a human being hinges upon achieving these goals or reaching a certain status marker, then you set yourself up for anxiety, pressure, discouragement, and eventual disappointment.

A mistaken belief that underlies desire for status or power is that your value or worth as a person comes from what you do or how well you do it.  Endless pursuit of these symbols of achievement without satisfaction are a hallmark of perfectionism. “Type A” personalities and prestigious academic settings with high achieving students are examples of where this mindset thrives.  People who define themselves by a certain career path or role in life can be devastated by job loss or perceived failure.

What are some signs that you might be defining yourself by your performance?

• Experiencing intense anxiety or fear around activities or situations in which you might be on display

• Feeling devastated by constructive criticism

• Excessive worry about losing your job, promotion, GPA, or position in some area of your life

• Believing that you are worthless without your status symbol

• Feelings of failure or believing that you are a failure

• Constant comparison with others where you find yourself lacking

• Staying busy doing things so you feel good about yourself, even though you’re feeling burned out and exhausted

• Trying to prove yourself in some way to others

This overemphasis on finding value or worth in what we achieve creates people who are beaten down by their life experiences, dealing with clinical levels of anxiety or depression that discourage them and make their attempts to achieve even more difficult.  Instead of encouraging you to improve or creating a drive to do better, the negative thought patterns that come with perfectionism and a performance-based identity lead to discouragement and a lack of motivation.

What are some of those thought patterns that are associated with placing your value and worth in your achievement and success? 

Performance-Based Belief Systems

If I can’t do this, I am bad (won’t be loved, will be rejected, will be alone).

This belief ties your identity as a person to your ability to achieve, connecting to the belief that love or respect of others will be taken away if you fail.  You may feel like all of your actions are on display to be judged and found lacking by others.  These fears of rejection or abandonment lead you to feel pressure to always do the right thing, which eventually becomes impossible.

How does he/she do it all?

Setting unrealistically high standards for yourself can lead you to see others as more competent or capable than you are. A sign of comparison to others is believing that you “should” be able to do as much as someone else and a belief that you are “less than” because you can’t.

I feel good because I was able to achieve ____.

Even though this thought looks positive at the start, it actually hints at the presence of a performance-based value or worth.  What happens if you don’t achieve that in the future?  What happens when you do fail?  Does that influence your belief in your inherent worth or value?

If I’m not a perfect (mom/employee/boss/student), then I’m worthless.

It is impossible to be perfect, and perfection does not equal worth.  Like the comparison-based belief above, this thought indicates setting a standard far above and beyond what is needed.  We all make mistakes and are imperfect as part of our nature, but that doesn’t make us worthless.

How to Respond to Performance-Based Beliefs

Focus on your personality instead of your achievements.

Instead of basing your worth on the things you do or achieve, list different aspects of your personality that you like.  This may prove difficult, as you might slip into what is familiar: listing positive things that you do.  Alternatively, you could find yourself stalling out after a short list and descend into more self-critical thinking.  Allow this process to take time, as chances are you’re not accustomed to speaking to yourself in kind and affirming language.

Shut off the comparison trap.

Limit your time on social media.  Pay attention to your thoughts about others and rather than feeling jealous or comparing yourself to them, ask yourself how you can be grateful for that person’s role in your life.  Remember that often you are comparing your insides (your doubts, fears, anxieties, perceived failures) to someone else’s outsides (what they post online).   It may be time to unfollow certain people on social media if you find that their posts stir up too much of this comparison dynamic in you.

Consider the impact of your past.

Our past experiences influence the way we view ourselves and the world around us.  How might they be influencing your thinking?  Look for moments where you first felt perfectionism or a need for success most strongly.  Why was success important for you in your past?  What happened when you didn’t succeed?  Did you have an overly critical parent, teacher, or other adult figure in your life?  How might they have influenced you?

Ask yourself how you’d treat others.

Identify people in your life who have  made mistakes, but of whom you don’t think negatively.  What makes those people different from you?  We are our own harshest critics.  In many cases, we would never talk to a friend or loved one the way we talk to ourselves.  For many of us, we wouldn’t consider seeing someone else as worthless or without value because they’ve made mistakes.

Alternatively, you might notice that you are critical or judgmental of others when they make mistakes.  Often having high standards for yourself means you expect others to meet those high standards too.  Consider how it might feel to release those standards and be free of the disappointment and anger associated with both your and others’ mistakes.

Act out of your values.

Performance-based thinking often comes with a list of “shoulds.” Living by these “shoulds” is a setup for failure, because you’ll never be able to meet them to your level of satisfaction.  The standard will constantly get higher: you may achieve one part of your “should,” but it won’t be enough.

Instead, focus on your core values.  Examples include integrity, love, health, creativity, support, generosity, personal growth, etc.  Ask yourself what is important to you at your core, not what other people think should be your values.  When you know what our personal values are, that leads the way to choose value-based actions that aren’t driven by trying to prove yourself, but instead are driven by who you are.

A Christian Perspective

If you are of the Christian faith, church involvement and service can become another way in which you tie your value to your performance.  Striving to be a “good Christian” or to “do the right thing for Jesus” might be ways these beliefs shift to meet a Christian lifestyle.

The desire to serve God by itself is not a bad thing: in its best form, it comes from wanting to respond to the love of God we have received. But other times, the motivation for this service is based in a faulty theology of God.  It sees God as a taskmaster demanding obedience, rather than a generous and kind Father who loves you so unconditionally that He will welcome you home even when you fail miserably (see Luke 15:11-32 and Romans 5:8).

Our value and worth as Christians does not come from our activities, performance, or actions.  Whenever we say we’re trying to be a “good Christian,” that denies our powerlessness to be good on our own apart from God.  We are only able to offer out of what we’ve already been given (see Ephesians 2:8-10). 

In the Christian life, our primary identity is not defined by how “good” we are or how perfectly we follow the rules.  We are first and most essentially children of God, beloved, secure, and cared for by our Father.  When that is our identity rather than what we do, we are much more likely to be at peace with ourselves and be able to act out of our values instead of trying to earn God’s favor or love.  You already have God’s favor just by being His child!  There is no more that can be done to make God love you more or less (Romans 8:38-39).

Questions to Ask Your Destructive Thoughts to Keep Them from Running Your Life

We all have a specific, unique way of viewing ourselves, others, and the world around us based on our biology and life experiences.  If you’ve dealt with anxiety or depression, your thought patterns probably have some level of distortion. Often the thoughts you have discourage you from completing daily tasks that seemed so simple before depression or anxiety hit.  Emotions arise from the thoughts you have about events, as different interpretations of an event can lead to vastly different emotional responses.

It’s easier to notice symptoms of overwhelming emotions, lack of motivation, and changes to behavior than it is to notice the thoughts driving them.  But key to experiencing relief from anxiety and depression is to recognize your thought patterns behind those emotional and behavioral shifts. 

Recognizing Distorted Thought Patterns

If you’ve been having destructive thinking patterns, you may not know it.  Have you ever been to a circus or carnival where there was a fun house with oddly shaped mirrors?  Looking at yourself in one of those mirrors makes your body look tall and thin, short and stout, or perhaps even swirled.  Now imagine if those were the only mirrors you had in your home, and one day you visited a friend who had a plain, flat mirror.  Looking into that mirror, you would likely think, “What’s wrong with this mirror?  Why is it showing me like that?” You’ve never realized that the mirrors you’ve been looking at your whole life haven’t shown you reality.

When we have negative beliefs about ourself, others, or the world, they form a lens (much like this distorted, fun house mirror) through which we interpret everything.  We skew whatever circumstance we’re in, interaction we have, or problem we face as directly related to this destructive thought.  There are several categories of these destructive thought patterns.

Also, these thoughts are usually several layers deep.  Let’s say you see a friend while you’re out for a walk and she doesn’t acknowledge you.  Your first, automatic thought might be something like, “Is she mad at me?”  This is quickly followed by a chorus of other thoughts (“I wonder if I’ve offended her somehow.  Is she upset I didn’t invite her to that get-together last week?  I haven’t been calling her often enough.”) which ends in a deeper, core belief (“I’m a bad friend”).

As you reflect on this thought pattern, you may also have a negative thought pattern about these thoughts.  When you notice yourself thinking about yourself negatively or interpreting situations in negative ways, you might think, “Why do I always do this?  I get myself so worked up over little things and then it ruins my whole day.  I’m such an idiot.”

Questioning Your Thoughts

Once you’re aware of these thoughts and can recognize how they’re hurting you more than they’re helping you, you have the opportunity to shift the narrative.  Consider the questions below as tools to help you change the way you think about yourself, others, or the world.

How true is this thought?

Often our thoughts have some grain of truth in them, even if we’ve blown it out of proportion to the stressor.  However, destructive thought patterns often are more negative than accurate. 

For example, take the thought “I’m a bad person” that comes because you raised your voice at your children in the heat of an angry moment.  It is true that you raised your voice, and that isn’t in alignment with your values of parenting.  But magnifying this one mistake to pass  judgment on who you are as a whole is intensifying the thought beyond what is true.

What evidence supports this thought?  What evidence goes against this thought?

This question builds off the previous one to offer evidence to support (or deny) the “truth” of your thought in the context of the situation.  Consider this as putting your thoughts on trial.  You’re parsing out the evidence you have in front of you objectively, taking emotions or bias out of the picture.  This often influences what you see as reality in the situation. 

Is this thought helping me or hurting me?

When you have this thought, how does it make you feel?  What does it make you want to do?  Ruminating or focusing all your attention on negative thought patterns is destructive to your mental health.  If you notice your thought patterns lead you to retreat from relationships, feel exhausted or overwhelmed, engage in self-destructive behaviors, feed into addiction, overeat or oversleep, or cope in ways that ultimately hurt you, this might be a thought pattern worth changing.

While sometimes it may feel as though you don’t have control over your thinking patterns, using these questions is a great way to shift those thoughts.  Consider: how is this thought affecting me negatively?  How might shifting my perspective on this situation affect me differently? 

What would I say to my best friend if they told me they were having this thought?

We are our own worst critics.  In most cases, we would never speak to our friends the way that we speak to ourselves.  Use this question to evaluate whether you’re being too harsh on yourself or whether your limited perspective on the situation might be influencing your reaction.

Think of an encouraging mentor or friend in your life.  What would they say to you about this thought?

Picture sitting across from this person and imagine their face as they hear you share those thoughts with them.  How would they look at you?  Would there be judgment or compassion in their eyes?  How might they respond?  Similar to the last question, imagining speaking these thoughts aloud with others changes the way you hear them.

If you are a Christian, you might also ask yourself: what would God say to you?  Use Scripture like 1 Corinthians 13:4-7 to connect to the love and compassion He has for you, and identify Bible verses that respond to the concern you’re feeling.  Connect to your identity in Christ as a source of hope and reassurance against negative beliefs about yourself. 

Where is this thought coming from?

As mentioned earlier, we learned our unique ways of interpreting events from our life experiences.  See if you can pinpoint where this negative message or thought pattern was hammered home for you.  Were they words communicated to you by someone from your past who has hurt you?  Even if the words were never communicated directly in this way, are they influenced by messages you’ve indirectly received about yourself or your worth?

How might my current circumstances be affecting my thoughts?

When we’re feeling hungry, angry, lonely, tired, bored, or a number of other distressing feelings, those can intensify our reaction to life events.  When our basic needs for relationship, nourishment, safety, and rest aren’t being met, we can become worn down and more susceptible to negative interpretations.  Have there been triggers in other areas of your life that might be intensifying these thoughts?  How has your self-care been – sleep, eating, social time, leisure time, work, etc.?  Are there stressors in your life that might be compounding your negative thought patterns? 

What is the least pathological explanation for what happened?  What is most realistic?

If you’ve ever dealt with depression, you know that depression can convince you to be absolutely certain about the truth of your negative interpretation of events.  In anxiety, worst case scenarios often feel like the only possible outcome.  Consider what alternative explanations might exist for the situation in which you find yourself and identify if those might be valid in any way. 

As an extension of this question, it may be helpful to ask yourself what the worst-case scenario is (probably what you’re already thinking), what the best-case scenario is, and what is most realistic.  What is most likely to happen is often the most realistic possibility, and it often exists between the two extremes of best-case and worst-case.

Through what core belief “lens” might I be viewing this thought?

In the film the Wizard of Oz, Dorothy and her friends visit the Emerald City and are asked to put on glasses before they enter.  With those glasses on, everything they see is in various shades of green!  But if they were to remove those green-tinted glasses, they would see the true colors of their surroundings for what they are.

Our core beliefs function in much the same way.  When we believe something at the core about who we are, we interpret all events that happen to us and around us through that lens.  If I believe I’m unloveable, I will interpret my spouse’s delay in responding to my text as evidence that they don’t love me.  Notice if any of your thoughts are colored by these core beliefs, and imagine what it might look like if you took those tinted glasses off.