What Skydiving Teaches Us About Surviving Anxiety

Imagine yourself strapped into a small plane, ascending into the clouds en route to your first skydiving jump.  As the plane tilts its nose upward, your stomach drops, and you can’t quite tell if it’s an effect of the lift or your nerves.  You talk to your tandem skydiving instructor, hoping for reassurance, but then you notice your palms and forehead begin to sweat.  The thud-thud-thud of your heartbeat is echoing in your ears, and you’re certain everyone around you can hear it. 

As you reach altitude and prepare for the jump, you start to panic.  Your anxiety is higher than anything you’ve ever experienced.  It takes all your strength to just look out the plane at the ground below.  Your instructor informs you that this is the last chance you have to back out.  You have one of two choices – you can retreat back into the plane, giving up on this experience you were so excited about when your feet were flat on the ground.  Or you can jump.

What do you do next?  

Paralysis that hinders the decision to move forward or retreat is a common phenomenon for those who struggle with anxiety.  Often, we learn to retreat back into what is safe, avoiding the situations that make us feel anxious or worried.  In particular, if you struggle with phobias, an anxiety disorder, obsessive-compulsive disorder, or even compulsive thoughts associated with sex and love addiction, you may have seen yourself retreat into destructive patterns that work in the short-term to relieve anxiety.  But these do not solve the problem, and in choosing them, we miss opportunities for growth.

How do we overcome it?

Have you ever bought a goldfish at a pet shop or store?  The seller hands you your fish in a plastic bag filled with water and instructs you to place the tied bag into the fishbowl or aquarium before releasing the fish into the water.  Why do they do this?  It is meant to help the fish get used to the temperature of the water – or habituate.

Just like that goldfish in the tank, we need to learn to habituate to our anxiety.  Habituation involves walking through an experience of anxiety without avoiding or running away from the feared event.  In essence, it is proving to yourself that you can survive the anxiety without turning to the ways you’ve coped in the past that only serve to increase your anxiety next time you face the same situation.

In the goldfish example, habituation occurs as the temperature of the water in the bag slowly adjusts, degree by degree, to the temperature of the water in the aquarium.  With anxiety, the process is similar.  Let’s say you feel anxious about public speaking.  The first time you have to speak in public, your anxiety might be off the charts.  But when you survive that event, the second time you’re asked to speak in public you’ll likely feel slightly less nervous.  Once you’ve spoken in public five, ten, or fifty times, it won’t even faze you to do it again.  Your anxiety levels have adjusted, degree by degree, to allow you to feel more at ease.

Katie d’Ath, a psychologist who works with obsessive-compulsive disorders, illustrates this visually in a helpful format in the video below.  (I would highly recommend other videos in her series on obsessive-compulsive disorder.)

Typically our first response to anxiety is to do whatever it takes to make the anxiety go away.  And it works in the short-term: otherwise we wouldn’t be doing it.  But the short-term fix of distraction or avoidance won’t satisfy the long-term desire to release the anxiety.

How can we begin the process of habituation?

Before starting this process, build up additional coping strategies for anxiety where you can calm your body’s response enough to approach the process in a grounded and rational place.  Techniques such as breathing exercises, mindfulness, and positive self-talk can be a great first line of defense against anxiety.

Once you’re in a place where you’re ready to work through anxiety, it is time to practice sitting in your anxiety.  First, this involves listening to what your body is saying.  Pay attention to the sensations of anxiety in your body.  What do they feel like?  Where does your anxiety feel most present?  What quality does that anxiety have in your body?

Next, notice the thoughts that are running through your mind.  What are the fears you’re having?  What’s the worst-case scenario playing out in your mind?  What are the beliefs about yourself or others that are contributing to the anxiety?

Pay attention to what other emotions are present besides anxiety.  Often fear is linked with anxiety, but other emotions, such as hurt, anger, or sadness can influence the course your anxiety takes.  Read through an emotions chart and identify what you’re feeling.

Then begin to question the racing thoughts in your mind: where are they coming from?  Do they come from a past fear or experience of embarrassment you had?  Are they about the future and what could happen if you take a risk?  How valid are they?  Is this something that is possible, or is it an irrational thought based on a cognitive distortion?

Finally, there comes a decision point – how will I choose to deal with my anxiety?  I can choose to run away and avoid in order to experience that immediate relief.  Or I can choose to run to the things I know that are good for me – greater awareness, support from my loved ones, and self-care.  Ultimately, the foundational way we can conquer anxiety is to believe that we can survive it and act on that belief.

I hope you choose to jump into the anxiety and fear and find that you will make it out on the other side.

I Am Not God: Reflections on Perfectionism and Impostor Syndrome

I am a recovering perfectionist.  If I'm honest, “recovering” is a bit of an optimistic term.  In reality, perfectionism is an ongoing struggle.  Every time I put out a new blog post or article, I spend way too much time reading and re-reading every line to make sure I don’t have any errors.  (News flash: there are always a few that slip through the cracks.)  I obsess over word choice and the nuance of certain phrases.  (News flash: I’m not a trained journalist or anywhere near writing the next great American novel.)

Sadly, these same perfectionistic tendencies apply to my work as a counselor.  A few months ago I wrote a blog post about the importance of being instead of doing, largely because it is a message that I need to remind myself of often.  The self-imposed pressure to be perfect started in my academic years and has extended into my personal and professional life.

Perfectionism builds its foundation on the fear that who I am is not enough and never will be.    I feel terrified that what I do will fall short, someone will always be better than me, and I will fail.   

Perfectionism builds its foundation on the fear that who I am is not enough and never will be. 

In general, perfectionism is characterized by impossibly high standards.  It can lead to procrastination, either because of the length of time it takes a perfectionist to feel like a project is complete, or due to the desire to avoid feelings of anxiety and fear of failure.  Beliefs of inferiority (“I’m not good enough”) and hopelessness (“why even try”) can be familiar friends to the perfectionist.

Also , the recent popularization of the term “impostor syndrome” adds another layer to perfectionism.   A recent article in Psychology Today about impostor syndrome describes it as the irrational fear of being found out as a “fake,” with a tendency to believe any achievement is due to luck or good fortune, even when the individual’s skill and talents say something to the contrary.

The article also talks about how those with impostor syndrome can fall into two different camps: overworking or procrastinating, both of which sound a lot like perfectionism.  All the hard work put in to try to prove oneself can lead to becoming drained emotionally and physically, and eventually to burnout.

The truth is this: there is nothing wrong with doing something well and to the best of our abilities.  What makes perfectionism a problem is when it is driven by anxiety and stress that are birthed out of our core shame that tells us our worth is tied to our achievements.  Both perfectionism and impostor syndrome are linked to an underlying sense of shame.  This might be brought about by a culture of high expectations of achievement and criticism in your family or school environment, or it could relate to societal pressures and comparison facilitated by the internet and social media.

What makes perfectionism a problem is when it is driven by anxiety and stress that are birthed out of our core shame that tells us our worth is tied to our achievements.

I can see this reality play out in my life in the beliefs like, “I don’t belong because I am not good enough.  I am tricking people into believing that I know what I’m doing when I really have no idea.”  When I’m living in impostor syndrome, I believe that my master’s degree, my years of specialized training, my experience with clients, and my enthusiasm for pursuing the best treatment for my clients is not enough.

How can we cope with this toxic mix of perfectionism and feeling like a fake?

• Talk to someone – If you struggle with perfectionism and impostor syndrome, my guess is that you are not the only one in your circle of connections that has these feelings. Talk about your struggles with others and seek to encourage one another.

• Practice mindfulness – When you feel a bout of perfectionism coming on, slow down and practice some mindfulness breathing. Give yourself credit for the skills and abilities you do have. Remind yourself of successes you’ve experienced, and instead of attributing them to luck, associate them with your hard work and abilities.

• Embrace imperfection and failure – If you view failure as the worst thing that can happen, you miss an opportunity to learn and grow. Expect yourself to fail as part of the learning process. Choose to be okay with the “good enough” on a project you’re working on instead of working incessantly to make it perfect.

The strongest way that I am able to cope with these struggles is through prayer and re-centering on God.  It has been crucial for me to remind myself that I am not God.  News flash: I’m human. There are times when I feel insecure in sessions with my clients.  I compare myself to other therapists who have been practicing therapy longer than I’ve been alive, or that have personality differences from me that make them seem better suited to the work than I do.  I worry that I don’t have enough knowledge or understanding of the issues I’m treating, and so I read books and attend trainings and plan for clients until I don’t have any spare moments left in my day to rest.

It has been crucial for me to remind myself that I am not God.

All of this striving and working and trying to be enough puts all the responsibility for my life and the lives of my clients into my hands.  News flash: I am not God.  I will never be enough for my clients, because I am not made to be enough for them.  Only He is.  If I try to be God, I truly am being an impostor.

I believe that God is the One who heals.  He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds (Psalm 147:3).  He is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit (Psalm 34:18).  He refreshes our souls and leads us along right paths (Psalm 23:3).  He gives us rest when we are weary and burdened (Matthew 11:28).  By His wounds, we are healed (Isaiah 53:5).

God has invited me to be a partner in His work of healing, but it is not ultimately my responsibility to heal.  That’s His territory.  I am called to offer what I have to the best of my ability, knowing that as I trust in Him to do the work of healing, what I offer will be enough.

Everything Will Be Okay: Coping Amidst the Storm of Depression and Anxiety

There are some days where it all just feels like too much.

Does that feel true for you? For the person with depression or anxiety, I would guess this sounds familiar.  When you feel overwhelmed in your life and there’s no easy solution, the voices in your mind that say “you can’t make it," “you won’t survive this,” or “it’s all too much” are incredibly persuasive.

Often pain and sadness that accompany depression and anxiety are genuine.  It is natural for the trauma survivor exploring the effects of her past abuse and harm to feel angry.  The grieving child mourning a parent’s unexpected death or the wife who just discovered her husband’s multiple affairs could feel that life isn’t fair. The new mother who is overwhelmed with balancing her work and family life and the man struggling with depression so severe it causes him to lose his job could turn their anger inward at themselves.  All these situations are legitimate, painful experiences that can’t be easily glossed over. 

In our pain, we seek to regain a sense of control by blaming others or blaming ourselves, but those contempt-filled accusations only increase our suffering.  Fighting back against the pain, in the form of going numb and running away or getting angry, actually increases the amount that we suffer.  It can leave us stuck and hopeless of moving forward.

To avoid getting stuck in the cycle of anger, hopelessness, and suffering, it can be helpful to choose radical acceptance.  Radical acceptance is a term coined by psychologist Marsha Linehan defined as acknowledging the reality of your present circumstance without judging yourself or the situation critically.  It involves looking at the situation as objectively as possible to see it for what it really is.

What radical acceptance does not mean is excusing other people or believing that painful events that have happened in your past were not all that bad.  It does not mean that you put up with abusive or harmful relationships or situations in your life.  On the contrary, it means acknowledging the situation you are in, facing and accepting that it happened, and making choices based on that fact.

In moments where the painful realities feel like too much, it can help to repeat affirmations that allow you to feel grounded and give you a sense of hope.  Here are some common coping statements for depression, anxiety, or dealing with trauma:

The Serenity Prayer: God, help me to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

This is where I am right now, but it won’t be like this forever.

What happened to me wasn’t okay, and yet there’s nothing I can do to change the past.

Fighting against what happened only makes the pain worse and keeps me stuck.

I can’t control the past, but I can control this present moment and what I choose to do.

I’ve been through painful moments before, and I’ve survived. I’m strong enough to handle this.

I can’t control other people’s actions, but I can control my decisions and how I respond.

This circumstance gives me an opportunity to learn and grow.

I can handle this one day at a time.

I’m going to be okay.

Spend some time testing out these different phrases in your life.  See which ones stick or make the most sense in your story, and discard those that aren’t helpful.  Practice mindfulness to connect with your emotions and the affirmations that might be most helpful for you in this present moment. As you explore different ways of responding to pain as it arises, my hope is that using radical acceptance will help you both to acknowledge and feel the pain instead of running away from it, as well as feel a sense of comfort and peace about moving forward.

How Are You an Unreliable Narrator in Your Own Life?

Have you noticed the trend recently in popular fiction where thrillers are becoming all the rage?  Books like Gone Girl and Girl on the Train have become increasingly popular.  A common element in many of these novels is the “unreliable narrator.”  At some point during first-person point-of-view novels, there’s a twist that clues us in to the fact that the narrator may be filtering the truth in such a way that works to their advantage or tells their side of the story.  This plot device adds an additional layer of mystery to the text as we try to figure out what’s true and what isn’t.

When have you realized that what you believed was true was wrong all along?

We tend to filter our experience through our beliefs about people and the world around us in a way that twists reality and leads us to doubt what we know to be true.  It can start with one mistaken belief or critical comment.  Before we know it, that statement grows into an internal voice that leads us to filter our beliefs through this new lens.  In depression and anxiety, this is particularly common, as these disorders add an additional filter to our thoughts that twists them to be even more inaccurate, becoming what psychologists call “cognitive distortions.”

What is a cognitive distortion?

Wikipedia summarizes well a definition of cognitive distortions as “exaggerated or irrational thought patterns that are believed to perpetuate the effects of psychopathological states, especially depression and anxiety.”

I think of it like the fun house attraction at those traveling fairs that rolled into town in your childhood.  Typically they featured mirrors that distorted your body shape and size.  This is a fitting picture of how our thoughts filter through these different lenses of reality and twist our beliefs into cognitive distortions.

Common Cognitive Distortions and Their Antidotes

While there are several different types of cognitive distortions, here are a few of the most common ones I’ve seen with depression and anxiety.  Alongside an example of each, I’ll provide an antidote (some ideas to try if you notice these are the filters you default to most commonly) and an adaptive thought (an example of a shift in thinking in response to that distortion).

All-or-nothing thinking happens when we believe that only two extremes exist, with no room for gray area in between.  We think in terms of good or bad, right or wrong, pass or fail. 

• Example: “If I do poorly on this test, that means I’m a failure.”

• Antidote: Make room for the gray in your life. We all make mistakes or do things poorly, but there are likely plenty of positives in your life as well. Think in terms of better and best instead of right and wrong.

• Adaptive Thought: “One bad grade doesn’t disqualify the other good grades I’ve gotten or the hard work I put into studying.”

Overgeneralization occurs when we take an isolated event and expect that all other similar events will happen in the same way.

• Example: “What’s the point of going out on dates? The last guy I dated didn’t call me back after the first date, so why should I expect anything different?”

• Antidote: Recognize that each situation you experience is unique. If you believe this pattern exists, look for examples to disprove that pattern.

• Adaptive Thought: “So that last date didn’t work out? We must’ve not been the right fit. The next guy I date might be a better fit for me.”

Jumping to conclusions involves assuming we already know how others will perceive us or how a situation will play out.

• Example: “My friend didn’t say hi to me at church the other day – I must’ve done something wrong or offended her.”

• Antidote: Reality check that assumption by either asking the other person if your belief is true or think of alternative explanations for what happened.

• Adaptive Thought: “My friend might’ve been caught up in a conversation and didn’t see me at church, so it makes sense why she wouldn’t have said hi.”

Personalization is the belief that everything that happens around us is a direct response to something we have done or said.  This can lead to taking too much responsibility for how others respond to us, or worry that we’re being judged.

• Example: “This party is so awkward – it must be because I’m so awkward and I’m ruining the night for everyone.”

• Antidote: Set an internal boundary: affirm that you are not responsible for the thoughts and reactions of other people. What are some other reasons for the situation?

• Adaptive Thought: “This party is kind of awkward because we don’t all know each other yet. Maybe I can start up a conversation with someone new or suggest a game to play!”

“Shoulds” involve thinking that we “should” do things a certain way, and if we don’t, it is a poor reflection on us or our character.

• Example: “I should be exercising 5 days a week and if I’m not, I’m lazy.”

• Antidote: Search for the source of that belief (family, friends, media, school, church, self) and explore why it has such an impact on you. Give yourself freedom to say “no” to it. Frame your decisions as a choice of what you want to do instead of “should” do.

• Adaptive Thought: “I’d like to exercise more. I can choose to go for a run this afternoon.”

Emotional reasoning takes place when have a certain emotional response to our circumstances and come to accept that feeling as truth.

• Example: “I feel ugly, so it must be true.”

• Antidote: Remind yourself that emotions are changeable. Look for evidence that stands in direct contrast to the beliefs those emotions are telling you.

• Adaptive Thought: “Even though I feel ugly, I know I’m feeling worse than usual today because I didn’t get enough sleep last night. I know those emotions will pass.”

Which of these cognitive distortions do you see the world through most often?  How can you actively seek to change those filters and become a more reliable narrator in your life?

Take a Deep Breath: 5 Mindful Strategies for Managing Day-to-Day Anxiety

During my first year of my master’s program, I saw how anxiety, stress, and lack of time would hit me with intense experiences of overwhelm.  I was working close to full time hours at a nanny job, attending class 4 nights a week, and serving in my church in my “free time.”  Any extra time I had was filled with studying and attempting to navigate my way through our massive textbooks.   With a temperament that errs on the side of anxiety and perfectionism, it was easy to talk myself into a state of stress that would make it difficult for me to function.

My school was a commuter school about 30 minutes away from where I lived, so I began listening to podcasts in my car.  (Cue the beginning of my obsession with podcasts).  One of those podcasts interviewed a life coach and therapist who gave tips on dealing with anxiety.  One of those techniques involved deep breathing, which I’d never tried before.  I decided to give it a go in the 10 minutes I sat in my car before class.  Let me tell you: it was like magic.  I felt like I could enter into the classroom in a completely different and relaxed state of mind.

Everyday anxiety is something many people experience, especially during stressful seasons in their lives.  Anxiety engages our internal fight-and-flight response, which pumps up our body with adrenaline and cortisol, a stress hormone.  By practicing deep breathing and other techniques below, you can take control over your body’s instinctual reaction.  As you slow down your breathing and your thoughts, you’re essentially reminding your body that you aren’t in danger.  This calms your fight-or-flight response.

Here are some tips on how you can respond with mindfulness when you feel yourself becoming anxious, nervous, and overwhelmed.

Daily Meditation

As the foundation of all the exercises that follow, daily meditation helps you begin to become attuned to your body.  Spend some time in a quiet room in silence for a few minutes to start.  You can gradually increase to more time as you become more comfortable.  Pay attention to the way your body feels, noticing each part of your body, any emotions that arise, or any physical sensations. 

Oftentimes meditation is associated with “clearing your mind,” which can discourage you if you feel as though you can’t turn your thoughts off.   Instead, accept the likelihood that thoughts will cross your mind, and allow yourself to notice them, but not shame yourself for having them.

There are several apps that offer guided meditations, if you’re someone like me and are too easily distracted to sit quietly.  I’m a particular fan of Happify and Headspace, but there are many out there you can try and find the best fit for you.

Progressive Muscle Relaxation

This is the fancy therapist term for the practice of mentally becoming aware of each part of your body by isolating one muscle group at a time, tensing and flexing the muscles.  Pay attention to the feeling of holding tightness in your muscles as you tense them, and notice how it feels to release and relax them afterwards.

This practice can also help you fall asleep at night or re-energize yourself during the day.   In the morning or throughout your day, start by tensing and releasing your toes and work your way upward through different muscle group such as your legs, knees, stomach, chest, arms, shoulders, neck, jaw, and forehead.  At night, do the opposite - start with the muscles in your forehead and work your way down through your body. 

Deep Breathing Exercises

Deep breathing was the technique that I heard Dr. Jennifer Degler speak about on that podcast all those years ago.  She introduced four-square breathing: a technique where you breathe in for 4 counts, hold the breath for 4 counts, breathe out for 4 counts, and hold for 4 counts.  Completing about 10 cycles of these deep breaths allows you to begin to feel the anxiety melt away.

As you’re practicing these breathing exercises, you’ll want to breathe from your diaphragm or abdomen.  In order to do that, it can be helpful to imagine that there is a balloon in your stomach, just behind your belly button.  Breathe in through your nose, trying to make that balloon expand.  As you breathe out through your mouth, imagining the balloon deflating.  Another helpful strategy involves laying on the ground or on a sofa, placing your hands on your stomach, and feeling your stomach rise and fall as you breathe.

5-4-3-2-1 Senses Grounding Exercise

This is a personal favorite of mine, especially when I’m feeling particularly triggered by thoughts or emotions.  Begin taking a few deep breaths, noticing the rise and fall of your abdomen.  Next, take a look around you and notice 5 things that you see.  Notice the colors, textures, and other characteristics of those objects.  Next, move on to identifying 4 things you can hear, noticing the quality of the sound, whether it is loud or soft, repeating or one-time.  Continue down through this pattern by noticing 3 things you can touch/feel, 2 things you can smell, and 1 thing you can taste.  You’ll feel yourself becoming grounded in the present reality around you, and emotions will likely become less distracting and more manageable.

Breath Prayer

Often when we talk about Christian meditation practice, it is accompanied by reading or memorizing Scripture and seeking to understand truth about that passage.  While that can be a helpful practice, when you’re feeling stressed or overwhelmed, this isn’t always the quickest way to address that anxiety.  Instead, integrate some of the earlier mentions of breathing exercises and Biblical truth through breath prayer.  Breath prayer involves identifying a short phrase or sentence of truth about God or prayer to God.  Examples might be phrases such as, “Lord, have mercy,” “God, I need you,” or “Holy Spirit, come.”  You could also use short Bible verses that are meaningful to you, such as “I can do all things through [Christ] who strengthens me.” (Philippians 4:13 ESV).  Repeat those words to yourself out loud or in your mind while you are practicing deep breathing.  Breathe in on the first part of the phrase, and release your breath on the second half of the phrase.

While these mindfulness strategies didn’t immediately fix my stress levels or perfectionism, they did provide a way for me to calm my body down and remind myself of truth.  Test out some of these strategies for yourself when you’re feeling stressed or overwhelmed, and see which ones help you to lower those levels of stress.

Seven Signs You Might Have Clinical Anxiety

Your heart is racing, your hands are shaky, and your palms are sweating.  Your pupils dilate, and you feel panic rising in your chest.  You start to feel nausea growing in the pit of your stomach, and you feel slightly dizzy and off balance.

Maybe you’ve had this experience when you were about to give a speech, run a race, or play a sport.   This is an example of what happens when our bodies go through the fight-or-flight response that characterizes anxiety. It’s our body’s response to any perceived threat: our adrenaline kicks in to give us that extra boost of energy to push through.

However, when you struggle with clinical anxiety, that fight-or-flight response never truly turns off.  You’re responding to all of life’s daily worries with an adrenaline surge, and your body and mind get worn out as a result.

Occasional anxiety can be helpful, because it keeps us motivated.  But when it becomes problematic and interferes with our lives, it becomes more harmful than good.

You may be asking: what is the difference between just feeling worried or anxious occasionally, and actually struggling with an anxiety disorder?  Here’s some common signs of clinical anxiety:

You notice physical symptoms, like feeling restless and worked up all the time, or your muscles feel tense and tight.

Physical symptoms of anxiety can often be one of the early indicators that you may struggle with this particular disorder.  Have you ever noticed you’re feeling nervous by holding up a hand and watching it shake?  Pay attention to how your body feels: if you notice shaking, trembling, twitching, exaggerated startle response, or feeling shaky, these might be indicators that you’re feeling some anxiety.  It can also show up in common stress responses, like headaches or stomach issues.

I’ve recently noticed anxiety shows up in me in the form of an internal shakiness: when I’m feeling fear or anxiety about an upcoming event, I shiver as though I were outside in the cold, even if I’m in a warm room.  While I may not be feeling the emotion of fear or anxiety, I am aware that I am anxious because of my body’s response.

Your negative thoughts and fears feel like they’re on a constant loop that you can’t turn off, and you feel worried about most areas of your life.

It is common to experience anxiety about a particular area of your life from time to time.  Clinical anxiety, however, is characterized by worrying so much about all different areas of your life such that you can’t shut the worry off, even when you may need to for an important reason.  This anxiety is excessive, interfering with daily life and the tasks at hand.  It is a general rule that the more areas over which you are feeling anxious, the more likely it is that you are struggling with an anxiety disorder.

The worst-case scenario is the first option that pops into your mind.

Everyday worries can usually be explained or rationalized away, and they typically don’t jump to the worse possible option.  On the other hand, clinical anxiety cannot be rationalized: even when you know your fears are unfounded, the experience of the emotion of anxiety won’t stop.  Even if your fears aren’t realistic or logical, they can feel overwhelming.  This is often one of the most frustrating parts of experiencing an anxiety disorder!

You’re at a loss to figure out what made you anxious in the first place.

“I know I’m nervous because I have a big test tomorrow.” Understandable, right? Feeling anxious about a definable problem like a big exam can be expected.  But when the exam is over and the worry doesn’t stop, or you wake up one morning and feel on edge without any particular reason, that might be an indicator of a more severe form of anxiety.

You have hard time focusing, or you forget what you were doing right after you begin.

Have you ever had the experience of sitting down to focus on a task, and immediately thinking of five other things you need to do?  The constant stream of anxious thoughts running through your head can be too much for your brain to hold.  Trying to keep track of multiple different threads of worries at once can distract you from the task at hand, which leads to forgetfulness and difficulty maintaining attention.  This can have an impact on your ability to be productive, which then feeds right back into anxiety you feel about being unproductive.

You’re short-tempered and easily irritated.

Having so many things on your mind can detract from your empathy and understanding of others.  You can feel overstimulated and overwhelmed by the stress response you’re experiencing.  For that reason, you may notice yourself becoming more annoyed or frustrated with people or circumstances around you that increase your worry.

Some symptoms of anxiety can mask themselves as depression: feeling tired all the time, lack of energy, and/or insomnia due to racing thoughts or fitful sleep.

You might think, “I worry a lot, but I don’t always get keyed up.  Mostly I shut down, and feel sad, exhausted, and unmotivated.”  Anxiety and depression play off of one another, so much so that what feels like depression might actually be anxiety.  They are two sides of the same coin: you may be depressed and your body needs to create anxiety in order to get you energized to complete the task at hand, or you may have anxiety followed by depression when your body decides it is too much and slows you down.

With anxiety, the constant stream of worry and anxious thoughts that you’re experiencing wears your body down.  As a result of your body functioning mostly on the adrenaline produced by the fight-or-flight response, you are more easily tired out.

A Toddler's Secret to Mindfulness

Have you ever spent an extended period of time with a toddler, watching what they do and listening to what they talk about?  There’s something special about the way children interact with the world.  As adults, we can become consumed by timelines and schedules and priorities.  But those things don’t matter to kids – they see things through different eyes.

Before I became a therapist, I worked for a few years as a childcare provider for young children.  One 2-year-old I watched was notorious for getting easily distracted – a simple walk along the sidewalk could take what felt like ages, as he would find stop every few feet to point out an insect, pick up a rock, or comment on the leaves scattered around the neighbor’s yard.

One day, I followed him up the stairs so he could get dressed, chatting about what we were going to do that morning.  In my mind, I was planning each step for our entire day, almost by the minute.  To be honest, I was rushing him a bit too.  (We were going upstairs, which is always a several minute production for a toddler learning to climb...and always having to do everything without my help.)

I started listing off our plans for the day.  "Okay, after we get dressed we're going to get ready to drive in the car, and then we're going to go to Target to get something and look at the Christmas trees, and then we'll have our playdate, and then..."  The little one suddenly stopped on the stairs and said, "NO."  I assumed he meant he didn't want to leave the house, so I started reminding him of all the fun things we were going to do and how he would have to leave in order to do those things.  He stopped me again, and said:

"No.  Getting dressed upstairs."

And it hit me.

While I was fluttering around thinking about all the things we were going to do that day, this little one was focused on the one thing right in front of him.

Which was, evidently, going upstairs to get dressed.  Honestly, I was probably overwhelming him by hitting him with all these plans and ideas when he could only handle thinking about one thing at a time.

How often do we tend to do this in our lives?  We mentally jump so far ahead into the future and end up trying to juggle thinking about 27 things at once.  For me, it can start simply, where I'm thinking about whatever's coming next in my day.  Or it can happen on a long-term level, where I analyze my career or my relationships.  Or deeper still than that: I can feel such concern over my dreams and ambitions, or my fears of failure, or not measuring up to a professional or spiritual standard.  These worries can cripple me in a place of discouragement and hopelessness at my lack of progress.

And just like this 2-year-old, if I let all those worries flood into my mind, I get overstimulated, overwhelmed, and I shut down.

This moment spoke a truth to me that I needed to embrace at that point in my life: just stop.  Stop trying to figure out every detail.  Stop trying to think about the next big thing, the next stage I want to enter in life, or all those questions that I feel the need to have answered.  Let go of the obsessive anxiety and attempts at gaining control over my circumstances, which I think will keep me safe and protect me from harm.  The pride I had in believing I could control my life was being shaken by the wisdom of a toddler.

The truth reinforced in me that day was this: when we become caught up in negative thoughts about the past, or worries about the future, we lose sight of the beauty of the present moment.  We miss all that is happening right in front of us when we’re caught up in those stresses.  While planning and creating a vision for the future has a time and place, on a day-to-day basis, it is important to take things just one step at a time.  When we choose to be mindful of the present moment, we experience fewer negative emotions, less stress, increased focus and memory, less emotional reactivity, happier relationships, and plenty of other health benefits.

When I walk in the present moment of life, I feel so much more gratitude for the things around me.  I experience the grace that comes with knowing I don't have to have it all together, and I don't have to be perfect or achieve all the things I desire to achieve in my life.   And I can rest in the simplicity of life where I'm not always rushing ahead to the next thing and trying my hardest to control every outcome.

"So don't worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will bring its own worries.  Today's trouble is enough for today." Matthew 6:34 (NLT)

Who knew a 2-year-old would have a wiser outlook on life than I would.

One step at a time.