Mastering Work-Life Balance

Finding a balance between work and your personal life can prove to be a challenging task.  In analytical or technical work, it can be difficult to transition from the mindset needed at work to connecting in relationships at home.  In relational work like teaching, engaging with one more person after work can be exhausting.  Stressful jobs that tax us emotionally can make it difficult for us to stay present at home or feel motivated to pursue personal interests or relationships.  Financial concerns intensify these issues because of pressure to perform and keep our jobs in order to pay the bills.  With time, this can create chronic stress. 

For many of us who have transitioned to working from home during the COVID-19 pandemic, boundaries between work life and home life become harder to maintain.  Technology allows us to be accessible at all hours and can blur the lines between work and family.  Eliminating the commute may have created a loss of time spent decompressing or unplugging from work stress before arriving home.

Balancing work and personal life isn’t just a challenge for those who are married with families.  Single adults may find themselves isolating more from their friendships.  Married couples without kids or empty nesters can miss out on connection with their spouses.  Single parents may become disconnected or irritable with their children.

It doesn’t help that we live in a Western culture that defines our worth by what we produce, and most of what we produce is done in our work.  On average, we spend 40 hours a week working, but when those 40 hours feel like the only place we can find a sense of value, we’re tempted to work longer hours or to become consumed by stress as we seek to maintain this sense of worth.  Our work leaves us too exhausted to complete other activities to feel a sense of accomplishment elsewhere.  In the worst-case scenario, we can become burned out and unable to work at all, experience mental health issues, or permanently damage our relationships.

What is work-life balance?

Work-life balance involves separating work-related stresses and concerns from our personal lives.  This involves setting external boundaries around work, such as limiting work hours or disconnecting from technology at home.  It can also require internal mindset shifts away from thinking about work while at home or with family.

Achieving the ideal of work-life balance is tricky. For some, it feels impossible.  To a certain degree, this is true.  Balance, by definition, is something that we can never achieve, but we strive toward by taking intentional actions to honor our personal values.

Strategies for Creating Work-Life Balance

Don’t let your work be the only thing that defines you.

Think about when you’re meeting someone for the first time.  Often one of the first questions you ask is something like this: what do you do?  Where do you work?  It can become so easy to define ourselves and one another by our work.  When we love our job and find fulfillment from it, that is great.  But when our identity gets lost in our work, that can be a problem. 

This is a particular issue if your work creates stress or dissatisfaction.  If work is the source of your identity and value, but you’re experiencing negative feedback from your supervisor or criticism from your colleagues, you’re more likely to feel devastated by those experiences.

As you seek other ways to define yourself, consider what you value, what is important to you. Is it your faith? Your relationships with family? Perhaps it is a hobby or area of interest. Let the picture of who you are become more fully realized as you explore the aspects of who you are outside of work.

Create a ritual for entering and leaving work.

Before you settle in to begin work, start out your day with a ritual that will get your mind in work mode.  For example, you could spend the first five minutes of your workday with a quick mindfulness breathing exercise.  You can use an app like Headspace for a guided meditation.  Other ideas for rituals might be brewing a favorite cup of coffee or tea, lighting a candle or starting a diffuser, praying through your day, greeting everyone in your office, or doing a few stretches before sitting at your desk.

When you’ve finished work for the day, end your workday with a closure ritual.  One example might be writing down three things you were grateful for that day.  Other closure rituals might be verbally appreciating a coworker for something they’ve done, powering down your technology, turning your phone and email on do not disturb, listening to a music playlist on your commute, spending five to ten minutes journaling about your feelings from the day, visualizing a container to hold your work-related worries until the next day, going for a walk, or changing out of work clothes into more relaxing clothes. 

Explore and maintain hobbies and relationships outside of work.

Diving into activities outside of work helps you to define yourself by your interests rather than just what you do from 9 to 5.  Find a hobby that is life-giving for you or gives you a sense of flow. Pursue meetups or social events around the hobbies you enjoy.

Often, our friends come from our workplaces, so it can become common practice to talk about work when you’re spending time together outside of the office. However, this can perpetuate the stress you feel about work and blur those boundaries between work and home life. Consider requesting to make work talk “off-limits” when spending time with these friends.

Maintain your health through good self-care.

Consider various aspects of your health that are influenced by how you take care of yourself in your personal time.  Some of these areas might include physical health, spiritual health, emotional health, and relationships.

Maintaining a regular, consistent exercise routine can improve many different aspects of your mood. Starting out with a 10-minute walk or a quick yoga session can make a big difference. 

Find your people who can listen when you’re feeling emotionally overwhelmed and need to vent, or who can help distract you from work stress by having fun together.  Schedule time intentionally with these people in your life, including your spouse and children.  It may sometimes feel like scheduling that time makes it feel less authentic, but it communicates that those people are a priority in your life.

Exploring your spiritual life can help you find greater meaning in the work you’re doing, provide comfort and support through the stress of a crazy work situation, or inspire you to pursue purpose in volunteering or giving to others.  Get involved at your local church or other religious organization that will help you grow in spiritual self-care.

If you’re starting to feel on the edge of burnout or have a hard time with this balance or boundaries, seek out counseling or other emotional support as an act of self-care.

Turn away from escaping behaviors and turn toward refreshing behaviors.

For many, decompressing after a long day at work looks like binge-watching TV, playing games or phone apps for hours, or compulsively shopping online.  These can provide a temporary high or escape from the stress of work. But they don’t create real rest, often feel more draining, or can develop into addictive patterns.  Similarly, using alcohol or drugs to check out after a long day can have harmful effects.  These behaviors might provide a temporary escape, but they aren’t restoring your energy or preparing you for the workday ahead.

Instead, ask yourself what really recharges you.  Is it more sleep?  Prioritize going to bed earlier for a few nights and notice how that impacts your stress levels at work.  Is it talking with your spouse?  Ask them to turn off the TV tonight and talk or do an activity together.  Is it reading?  Cooking?  Gardening?  Organizing your closet?  Make time to do those tasks.

Shift your mindset around work.

Often we feel dread around the tasks that face us at work.  The term “Sunday scaries” captures this well, referring to the experience of anxiety or dread that arises in you on Sundays as you consider the work week ahead. 

Instead of thinking of all the things we “have to” do for work and the stress that goes with that, consider changing your mindset to what you “get to” do, which changes the narrative to one of gratitude for what you have.  Teachers get to influence the lives of the students they teach. Counselors get to help their clients through a crisis.  Scientists get to do work that could cure an illness.  Doctors get to create health and wellness in their communities.  More broadly, those of us who are working get to have a job when so many can’t find work and are struggling to make ends meet.

Set boundaries.

One perk of many flexible workplaces today is that you have the ability to set your own schedule.  But one downside is that, without the built-in boundaries of clocking in and out at a certain time, you end up working longer hours than you would otherwise or completing “one more email” at home, which turns into another hour of work.  Set boundaries around your specific work hours and intentionally distance yourself from work once those hours are over.

When you are done with work for the day, leave your work at work.  Don’t check a few more emails when you get home: instead, consider turning off your phone or computer or storing it in a location away from you.  Talk with your boss about limiting when you’re available to take calls or emails.  Make sure your coworkers know that you aren’t available after a certain time of day.  You may choose to put an email auto-reply up as an extra reminder.  Honestly evaluate what you can commit to at work and have conversations with your supervisors if you think you’ve taken on too much.

Setting boundaries applies at home as well.  If there’s too much on your plate at home, talk with your partner about sharing some responsibilities.  If your partner is also strapped for time, or if you are single, consider delegating tasks like a cleaning service when you don’t have the time available.

If you feel that you can’t set boundaries, ask yourself why.  It may be for a legitimate reason, like being on-call at hospital or having a specific busy season in which you work long hours for a short period of time.  But sometimes the fear of setting boundaries has nothing to do with the job itself.  It can be a personal hang-up based on past experiences, a fear of losing your job, or avoiding rejection.  This belief pattern may need to be tested by setting a few boundaries and seeing what happens.

If you are consistently told by supervisors that you are not allowed to say no or set reasonable boundaries in your workplace, however, you might be in a toxic work environment.  Talk with a counselor or human resources representative to see if your experience is concerning and consider pursuing another job.

Do a little at a time.

There are lots of potential practical applications in this article, and if you attempted to take them on all at once, you would likely be overwhelmed with just one more thing on your already overfilled plate.  Don’t allow yourself to be overwhelmed in this way.  Instead, pick one item that stands out to you from the list above and make a commitment to that habit for 30 days.  See how well you’re able to carry it out and the impact that it has at the end of that time period and decide if you want to continue that practice or try a different habit.

Rediscover Your Self-Worth After Betrayal Trauma: Remember the Truth

When you’re caught up in self-doubt and questioning due to the recent discovery of your partner’s sex and love addiction, the line between what is real and what isn’t can be fuzzy at best.  Many of the explanations running through your mind affect your sense of self-worth as you attempt to understand what is impossible to understand.

 In Part 1 of this self-worth series, we identified thoughts and behaviors that are associated with low self-worth as a result of betrayal trauma.  In this article, we’ll cover some statements of truth that combat the swirling self-doubt and give you a supportive reality check. 

What is true?

When you’re being pummeled by these insecurities, it can help to remind yourself of some affirmations of truth about yourself and your partner’s addiction to ground you in reality. 

Your emotional response and reactions are normal.

You’ve experienced an intense trauma: survivors of betrayal trauma often demonstrate similar symptoms to those who have experienced sexual trauma or assault.  The feelings that come up in response to the betrayal are a reflection of the seriousness of the offense.  Even though you might feel crazy, what you’re experiencing is to be expected from the pain you’ve sustained.

The addiction isn’t about you. It is not your fault.

Sex and love addiction typically develops long before you and your partner meet. It originates as a form of coping with distressing feelings or discomfort.  Most addicts have a history of past trauma or abuse, which can be sexual in nature but also could be physical, emotional, or verbal. Addiction developed as a maladaptive way to cope with stress or pain caused by that trauma or abuse.

What if your relationship had problems beforehand and you can connect the addict’s desire to escape to the tension in the relationship? In this case, your partner still had a choice of how they would cope with that tension.  They did not have to choose addiction, but they did so because of a preprogrammed propensity that they had fostered through early experiences. 

Addiction is never satisfied, so you can never be “enough” for addiction.

When you begin to question whether you weren’t sexual enough for your spouse, remember that no amount of sex will fully satisfy a sex addict.  Many sex addicts believe that having more sex will solve their problems, but it never does.  Addiction is always in search of more and is never satisfied.  The concept of tolerance in addiction shows that what was once enough to provide a “high” eventually loses its intensity and the addict continually needs more to achieve the same effect.

Addicts are masters of denial and deception.

Addicts have years of practice hiding their behaviors so skillfully that no one could tell they were acting out.  They use techniques such as emotional manipulation and gaslighting to mask their behaviors and self-protect.  They will go to any lengths to protect their addiction, often acting in what seems to be contradictory ways to their proclaimed love for you as their partner.  They create an atmosphere to protect the addiction, whether consciously or subconsciously.  It’s crazy-making for you, but the smokescreen they put up explains why you couldn’t see it.

That being said, prior to discovery, you may have had moments when you felt like something was off or that your gut was telling you something was up.  Typically your concerns were met by your addicted partner with further denial and minimization, which may have led you to dismiss your intuition or question your reality.

You are worth spending time with.

In the aftermath of the discovery of betrayal, betrayed partners often feel isolated and alone.  You might be hesitating to contact friends or loved ones, which only adds to those feelings of isolation.  In addition, your insecurities may cause you to question your value in relationships and fear reaching out for support.  Believing that you are worth spending time with can help empower you to seek out your friends and family who can be supportive and safe during this time.

Beyond relationships with others, spouses of addicts lose a sense of their personal identity, whether that’s due to caring for children or caring for the addict.  Spending time with yourself becomes immensely important to reclaim yourself and your personal identity.  Learn who you are.  Spend time getting to know yourself as if for the first time because you are worth getting to know.

Your worth is not defined by external achievements or accomplishments.

When you’re still reeling from the discovery of your partner’s addiction, you probably weren’t the most productive person.  The impact of trauma can throw you off all parts of your daily routine.  Especially if you’re already someone who deals with perfectionistic tendencies, you might be overwhelmed by a sense of inadequacy as you grapple with the crushing impact trauma has on your life.

Emphasizing external validation as the primary place you find your worth and value will consistently set you up for failure.  The solution is to recognize that your value and worth is inherent and cannot be influenced or taken away by what others think of you. 

The only person you can control is yourself.

Excessive focus on the addict and their behavior can lead to extreme swings in mood and thought patterns because addiction can be so crazy-making.  Instead, focusing on what’s within your control (your own thoughts, behaviors, choices, and emotions) and caring for those parts of you can help you to detach in a healthy way from the chaos of your partner’s addicted world.  This focus on yourself allows you to align your actions with your own value system, and it acknowledges that you are worthwhile enough to receive care and growth. 

Addicts live a double life and compartmentalize their addictive behavior.

Like the classic Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde, addicts often completely separate their addictive acting out behaviors from their normal life.  They dissociate emotionally from their “normal” life while acting out, often dealing with memory fog or fuzziness about specifics of their acting out behaviors afterward.  Your addicted partner could truly love you even while they were active in their addiction, despite their actions communicating something entirely different.

In our third and last installment of this self-worth series, we’ll explore what it means to empower yourself to take actions that affirm your self-worth.

How to Use In-the-Moment Mindfulness to Cope with Distressing Situations

Imagine you’re called into your boss’s office for a meeting about your performance at work.  How are you feeling before that meeting takes place?  What about while you’re in the office sitting across from him or her? 

How about when your spouse says those fateful words to you: “we need to talk.”  What’s going through your mind?  Do you feel dread in the pit of your stomach?  Resentment bubbling up internally about whatever they’re about to say?

Or maybe you’ve had to sit down with your child’s teacher to discuss their misbehavior at school.  Do you immediately jump to anger and defend your child?  Are you feeling shame about yourself as a parent?

We all have moments when we are caught off guard by relational tension, trauma triggers, marital strife, or unpredictable circumstances.  These events can stir up strong emotions that interfere with your ability to remain present and connected to yourself and the people around you.

You might get caught up in a shame spiral, lost in a cloud of your own insecurity and negative, self-critical thoughts.  Anxiety may take over and leave you feeling wired and on edge, interfering with your ability to hear what the other person is saying.  You can feel rage or anger toward the person with whom you’re engaging, leading to impulsive outbursts that you later regret.   

How can you cope with these intense emotional responses without letting them overwhelm you and derail the interaction?

Mindfulness

Mindfulness can be a helpful tool as you seek to soothe your anxiety, calm your fears, or reduce the intensity of your anger.  A simple definition of mindfulness is observing your current experience of emotions, thoughts, behaviors, and circumstances without judgment.

The “without judgment” quality is important, as judgments we make about our circumstances are often what intensify our negative emotional response.  To judge something is to see it as either good or bad.  For example, you might feel intense shame after a teacher talks with you about your child’s behavior because you feel like a bad parent.  Or you may be fuming at your boss because you think he or she is treating you unfairly in comparison with others in the company. 

Grounding strategies are a crucial part of mindfulness, as they create an access point to move you into more present awareness.  A grounding strategy uses physical sensations and sensory information to connect yourself to the present moment.  It involves tuning in to what is happening in the present as opposed to what has happened in the past or what you worry will happen in the future.

Ideally, daily mindfulness practice can set you up for success in these more distressing moments.  Practicing regular breathing strategies and sensory awareness allows for this response to come up more organically in your daily life.  But what happens when you’re in the middle of a conversation, work meeting, or parent-teacher conference when the distress hits?  What do you do when you don’t have time to take five or ten minutes away to do a more involved mindfulness exercise?

In-the-Moment Mindfulness and Grounding

These distressing situations provide an opportunity to adapt bigger-picture mindfulness skills you use elsewhere to keep you calm and engaged in the middle of challenging circumstances.  Using dual attention to focus on both what’s happening in front of you and your internal experience can be a game-changer in reducing your level of distress and emotional outbursts in stressful situations.

Use radical acceptance to limit judgment.

As mentioned earlier, the judgments and comparisons we make about our circumstances are typically what most contribute to our negative reactions.  Often, those judgments occur when we are powerless to change a situation.  The concept of radical acceptance teaches us to accept what we cannot change in the present moment, knowing that we can survive it.  Statements like “I can get through this” or “I’m strong enough to handle this” remind us that our current situation is temporary and make it easier not to judge based on the moment. 

Notice the points of contact between your body and the surfaces around you.

Using this technique to connect with your sense of touch can help ground you in the present. If you’re sitting in a chair, notice your back against the seat and your feet upon the ground.  If you’re standing, feel the ground under your feet.  Observe the feel of your clothing as it rests on your body. 

Tune in and slow your breathing.

Typically when distress, anxiety, or anger hits, your breathing will speed up and get shallow.  Notice your breath and whether you can feel your chest rising and falling (a typical signal of shallow breathing).  Intentionally slow down your breath and focus on breathing into your lower abdomen.  Counting your breaths can be helpful here, as it can give your mind a point of focus.  You could also use a breath ratio like four-square breathing (breathe in for 4 counts, hold for 4 counts, breathe out for 4 counts, and hold for 4 counts) or a 4-2-6 breath ratio (breathe in for 4 counts, hold for 2 counts, breathe out for 6 counts), if you are able to focus on counting while staying engaged.

Briefly scan through your body.

Another way to connect to yourself in the present is to complete a quick body scan.  Beginning at your feet, move awareness up through your body and note any areas of tension or stress.  When you feel tension, take a focused breath as if you are breathing into that area of tension and notice how it may relax in response.

Observe one item in the room.

Engaging your visual senses can help to ground you as well.  Look at an item in front of you: a stapler on a desk, the vase in your living room, a poster on the wall.  Notice as many details about that object as you can.  Observe its shape and texture.  Identify all the colors you see on it.  Estimate how big that item is.

Repeat a supportive word or phrase to yourself.

Words have power, and when you can remind yourself of supportive, encouraging words in crisis, it can defuse the tension you feel.  Use a short phrase like “I’m going to be okay” or “I can handle whatever happens.”  If you tend to feel shame or insecurity, use affirming statements like, “I can make mistakes and still be a good person.”  If you’re trying to contain out-of-control emotional reactions, remind yourself, “I can have strong feelings and still cope with this situation.”  Sometimes even a short word or phrase that cues you to breathe and calm down can help: words like “relax,” “breathe,” “peace,” or “calm.”

Pray.

When you feel powerless over your emotions or the circumstance you’re facing, offer up prayer to God, who is in control.  Pray for the outcome of the situation or ask God to help you stay present even though it might be challenging to do so.  At times, you can match a short phrase of prayer to your breath, such as “Come, Lord Jesus” or “Holy Spirit, come.”

Hold or touch an item and notice how it feels.

Similar to noticing the points of contact between your body and the surfaces it is touching, actively holding an object can help ground you using your sense of touch.  Bring a small object with you into a conversation you expect to be distressing and hold it in your pocket.  You can touch the arm of the chair you’re sitting in or the table in front of you and notice how it feels.  You can even hold your hands together or gently run your fingernails over the inside of your palms or fingers to observe the sensation.

Relax your facial muscles.

When we are in a stressful situation or are observing someone else’s distress or anger, we tend to mimic what we see in other’s facial expressions.  This can cause us to feel the same emotion that other person is feeling.  Instead, intentionally seek to relax the muscles of your face to take on a more neutral expression. Your emotions will likely follow suit.

Rediscover Your Self-Worth After Betrayal Trauma: Evaluate the Impact

For many partners of sex and love addicts, betrayal trauma from discovering affairs or addiction can bring up a flood of questions: why did this happen?  Am I not attractive enough for my partner?  Have I not been enough sexually?  Am I stupid for not seeing this sooner?  Did he/she ever really love me, or was it just a lie?

This panicked flurry of questions is an attempt for your mind to make sense of something that is senseless, to explain why the addiction occurred.  It is a natural response to the acute stress of the trauma and the mind’s natural tendency to try to understand what has just happened to you.  Unfortunately, many of these questions damage your sense of self-worth as they create misleading conclusions about the reasons for your partner’s addiction. 

Often, the self-doubt that hits you first is influenced by deeply-rooted insecurities that already exist in your heart.  For example, you may already struggle with self-consciousness about body image and your fluctuating weight because of teasing and body comparison in your teenage years.  If this is the case, discovering your partner’s addiction may lead you to compare your body to images in pornography or affair partners, creating hatred toward your body. Perfectionism, codependency, sexual issues, or aspects of your personality can create sources of self-doubt.

These doubts are made worse when the addict is still in denial over his or her addiction and points out flaws in you that divert attention away from the addiction.  Your spouse may blame physical changes or weight gain for not wanting to be intimate.  He or she may criticize your parenting or spending.  Before your discovery of the addiction, these accusations may have led you to question yourself and set you up for a pattern that continues even after you find out about the addiction.

Discovering a partner’s sex and love addiction or betrayal targets your pain points, adds a few new ones to the mix, and creates the perfect storm that can wreak havoc on your sense of self-worth.

Signs of Impact on Your Self-Worth

Consider the list below of common indicators of insecurity or self-doubt triggered by the discovery of addiction.  Which of these symptoms have you experienced?  How are they playing out in your relationship today? 

Ambivalence about staying or leaving in the relationship.

Ambivalence is not synonymous with indifference: rather, it is the experience of a push-and-pull between two different extremes that you want at the same time.  You may have felt disgusted and wanted to get away from your spouse, but less than an hour later you feel love for him or her and a desire to fix the issues in the marriage.  

When you have this push-and-pull of ambivalence, it is common to become self-critical and angry with yourself for wanting either extreme.  You might fear the judgment of others if you choose either option.  Feeling stuck in not knowing what to do creates a sense of shame and self-contempt that can reinforce your insecurities.

Mood swings between self-contempt and contempt toward the addict.

Similar to the ambivalence between staying or leaving, you might also flip-flop between extremes of hatred for the addict and contempt toward yourself.  You feel angry about what they have done to cause harm to you and your family, but then experience self-hatred for allowing yourself to be in a relationship with an addict.  You blame yourself for their choice to step out on the marriage because you feel inadequate, but then you feel rage at them for gaslighting you into believing that you were the problem.

Shame around sexual desires or negative beliefs about your sexual self.

In some cases, partners find themselves desiring to be sexual with their spouses after the discovery of addiction.  You might be motivated by a desire to secure your partner’s love or to prove that you are satisfying sexually.  Other partners start out wanting nothing to do with sexual intimacy with their spouses but find themselves confused when sexual desire does arise.  Either response can lead to shame, as sexual desire feels contradictory or minimizing to the impact of the betrayal trauma.

A partner’s sex addiction also has a unique impact on beliefs about your sexual self, namely communicating that you are not enough sexually for your spouse.  You can begin to question what you offer sexually and feel unattractive or unappealing.  Your sexual self (your masculinity or femininity) and identity are linked together so closely that betrayal in this sexual realm can deeply impact the core of who you are.

Comparison of your body to affair partners or pornographic images.

Many partners wonder why the addict was drawn to objectify or sexualize other people through pornography or affairs.  You might explain this by coming to the conclusion that you were not attractive enough, or that your partner is sexually interested in people who look different than you.  These insecurities can arise for partners who have a history of body image issues or are feeling dissatisfied with their weight and health, but it can also come up for those who have never felt concerned about their body image.

Feeling stupid or foolish for not knowing the addiction was happening.

How could I have missed this?  For many, the discovery of addiction occurs after the addicted spouse has been acting out for years.  Often, the addiction started long before the two of you met, although it may have escalated into more intensity while the two of you have been together.  You likely were blind to the addict’s sexual behaviors because of their skill at deception and dishonesty throughout the course of your relationship.  The shock of discovering the addiction may lead you to feel like you were stupid for missing it. The fear of being duped or fooled again can lead to difficulty trusting your partner. 

Believing the addiction was somehow your fault.

Despite the fact that the addiction likely existed long before you and the addict got together, you might find yourself struggling with self-blame and looking to your personal flaws and mistakes as justification for the addict’s actions.  You might believe the emotional manipulation and criticism your partner has shared toward you, or you might have insecurities based on abuse or harm from your past that tell you that you are unlovable or worthless.  You might notice a chorus of “if onlys” telling you that if you were different in some way, your partner wouldn’t have chosen their addiction.

Suicidal or homicidal thoughts.

At its most extreme, the hopelessness and depression that comes with the trauma of discovery can lead to thoughts of taking your own life.  Similarly, moments of rage toward your spouse can create thoughts or situations where you could do harm to him or others.  If you are experiencing suicidal or homicidal thoughts, please call 911 or go to your nearest emergency facility.

Self-destructive behaviors.

Even if you haven’t gotten to the extreme of suicidal or homicidal thoughts, you may be engaging in self-destructive behaviors as a way to subtly punish yourself or to retaliate in a way that gives you a sense of control.  You might have your own affair or seek out the attention of others in response to finding out about the addiction.  You might escape into disordered eating for a sense of comfort.  You may relapse into your own addiction or find yourself turning to alcohol, drugs, or habits such as shopping or gambling as a way to get relief from the pain you’re feeling.

In future parts of this self-worth series, we’ll review statements of truth that contradict these sources of low self-worth and move you toward a more accurate view of yourself, as well as create a plan of empowerment and change for the future.

How to Listen So Others Will Speak: Authentic Communication Part 2

In Part 1 of the Authentic Communication series, I shared a formula to communicate authentically about your feelings with people in your life: “I feel _________ about/because of ____________, and what I need is __________.”  In light of that, it is fitting to take a look at how to listen when you’re on the receiving end of this style of communication.  How do you respond when someone expresses difficult thoughts or feelings to you?

For most of us, it is unusual for someone to communicate emotions directly and in an assertive way like this.  We can feel insecure or uncertain about how to respond.  We want to be empathetic, but sometimes we worry that our words will be trite or dismissing.  Or maybe we’re uncomfortable with the fact that they shared this information with us in the first place, and managing that discomfort takes all of our attention.

We tend toward a few possible ways to respond when someone approaches us to share their emotions.  In general, we can be uncomfortable around negative or painful emotions.  We might avoid painful emotions in our own lives, so seeing or hearing someone express an emotion vulnerably might lead us to put pressure on ourselves to put a positive spin on it.  Or we can become defensive, particularly if the emotions being expressed are in response to something we’ve done.  Perhaps the person’s vulnerability in sharing feelings or needs from us requires us to apologize or identify changes we need to make in our own lives.

What holds you back from responding with empathy?

Ultimately, expressing emotions and responding with empathy to others is vulnerable, in that we have to connect with uncomfortable or painful emotions inside ourselves in order to understand them in others.

In order for us to truly empathize with someone else, we have to step into their shoes and look at the world from their perspective.  We may not fully understand, as we may not have had the same experience in our story.  But as they share emotions of anger, sadness, fear, or hurt, we can look at ways we’ve felt those same emotions before to get a picture of what they’re going through.

Brené Brown, a well-known researcher on shame and empathy, briefly explains the difference between empathy and sympathy here:

I love how she underlines the idea of “silver-lining” someone’s pain – looking for the “at least” or the message.  We can sometimes jump too quickly to comforting platitudes that do contain truth, but can silence any emotion or pain the individual is experiencing.  True empathy creates space for emotions to be felt.

How have you tried to “silver lining” someone’s pain?

In relationships, John Gottman talks about the importance of validating one another’s perspective in order to create intimacy.  Couples in conflict tend to get stuck in push-and-pull arguments that become battles to win or lose.  Slowing down and engaging in this practice of empathy rather than seeking to make your partner feel better or stop feeling the negative emotion creates intimacy in your relationships.

Take time to validate your partner.  Validation involves responding to another’s expression of feelings and experiences in a way that communicates you understand or you can see from their perspective.  In so doing, you don’t necessarily have to agree with them.  For example, your partner might interpret you forgetting to take out the trash as disrespecting him or her.  Even if that wasn’t your intention, you can still respond by expressing that you understand that feeling and how it might have affected them.  This diffuses the tension, as your partner will likely feel more heard and understood.

Here’s some examples of validating responses:

• I can see why you felt this way.

• I understand how my actions communicated that.

• It makes sense to me why you responded that way, knowing what you were thinking and feeling.

There is no perfect response here: you can’t say any magic words that will instantly fix any problems you have in your relationships.  But the more you are able to validate and empathize with the experiences of others, the more likely you are to build strong relationships where your loved ones feel safe sharing difficult emotions and experiences with you.

“Rarely can a response make something better.  What makes something better is connection.” – Brené Brown

This article was originally posted on June 1, 2017 under the title, “Empathy in the Face of Vulnerability: Responding to Authentic Communication”.

Using the New Year as a Springboard for Recovery

For many of us, a new year represents a new beginning.  The practice of making resolutions reflects this energy surrounding the vision of a fresh start.  One calendar year ending and another beginning creates a natural moment for a reset, a time when we’re encouraged to pause and reflect on the progress of our lives. 

Whether you participate in setting resolutions or not, this fresh start may be just the push you need to commit (or re-commit) to your addiction recovery.  For those who battle sex and love addiction, the holidays leading up to New Year’s can be rife with triggers and reminders of pain. You may have coped by using addictive behaviors to self-medicate and had a relapse.  Use this as an opportunity to learn and start out fresh as you begin your new year. 

How to Make a Fresh Start in Addiction Recovery

Tell someone.

For those of you who are aware that you have a problem and aren’t quite sure what to do about it, the first step is to let someone else in to your struggle.  Typically, you’ve made attempts to stop on your own, but you realize how isolating addiction can be. This feels like the scariest step, as it involves a high level of vulnerability. 

Often it can be challenging to start out by sharing with our friends or family members, so it may be helpful to consider someone like a therapist or 12 Step group member to share with for your first time. Consider safe people in your life who will offer you love and acceptance when you share with them.

Go to your first 12 Step meeting.

Along with telling someone, beginning to attend 12 Step meetings and receive support are essential first steps in recovery.  A meeting may even be the first place you choose to share about your struggle. 

Most people feel fear or anxiety about attending a 12 Step meeting for the first time.  You might be thinking, What if I see someone I know there? or I’m not as bad as these people, I don’t need to go to these meetings.  I’ve noticed in my practice that involvement in 12 Step has been a game-changer for so many people in finding supportive community and a place where they can talk about their struggles with people who get it.

Search in your area for 12 Step meetings on their respective websites.  For sex and love addicts, I’d recommend Sex Addicts Anonymous (SAA), Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous (SLAA), or Sexaholics Anonymous (SA).  In-person meetings are the best, but if there isn’t a local meeting in your area, you can also participate in online or phone meetings.  Take the leap.  It’s worth it. 

Seek out counseling.

Some can recover from addiction without ever setting foot in a counseling office.  But for many, counseling is an essential part of their recovery plan.  The additional support of specialized counseling for sex and love addiction can help you remain focused on your recovery goals.  It also gives you one person you know who will hold you accountable for your behaviors. 

Often addicts have no clue why they do what they do: it feels like they’re on autopilot.  If you resonate with that, counseling can help you explore the motivations and reasons behind your destructive behaviors and explore other options.  Addiction is also associated with past experiences of trauma, and counseling provides a space to explore healing from that trauma.

Get a sponsor.

For the same reason that having a counselor is incredibly impactful to recovery, having a sponsor is essential to success in a 12 Step program.  You need someone who can mentor you through the experience, guide you through the 12 Steps, offer accountability and support when you’re tempted to return to your addiction, or just be there on a consistent basis.

Often, connecting with a sponsor gives you a built-in pathway to community with the larger 12 Step network.  It is recommended that sponsors have at least one year of sobriety and have worked through the 12 Steps.  In order to achieve that, your sponsor likely has built relationships within the community.  He or she can connect you to those others and build a stronger foundation of relationships to support you on your path to recovery.

Do your First Step.

Working your way through the 12 Steps is a proven path to recovery.  12 Step programs wouldn’t be as popular or as recommended as they are if they didn’t actually work.  Commit to your own personal work through the program by starting at the beginning.

In the First Step, you are encouraged to admit your powerlessness over your addiction and your inability to manage it on your own.  This is a constant reminder of the humility every addict needs to keep them on track for recovery.  Even if you’ve worked through your First Step before, starting out a new year returning to the foundation of the 12 Step process can remind you of your need for the program in a new way. 

Begin working toward formal disclosure with your partner.

If you’ve been procrastinating on completing a formal disclosure, that makes sense.  Disclosure is a challenging process of becoming completely honest with your partner about your addictive behaviors.  However, complete honesty and integrity is the only way to build the foundation of your relationship and create trust with your partner.

Talk with your counselor about disclosure.  Begin by putting together a timeline of your addiction, including any changes, escalation, or attempts to stop.  Seek out a CSAT-certified therapist to walk you through the disclosure process, if you aren’t already working with one.

Offer service to others.

Step Twelve involves choosing to share your time or energy with others who are in recovery, which can serve multiple purposes.  First, it can redirect your focus from yourself and your own struggles to helping others.  Second, it can keep you accountable: if you’ve volunteered to help out at a meeting, you’re responsible for carrying out what you said you would do.  Third, helping others creates connection and community, as you interact with others while you’re helping.

Offer to run a meeting, set up chairs, or be a phone contact for a new member of your 12 Step group.  Share your First Step at a meeting so those who are new to your group can feel less alone.  If you’ve been in solid recovery for at least one year and have your own sponsor, consider becoming a sponsor to someone else and passing what you’ve learned along.

How to Speak So Others Will Listen: Authentic Communication Part 1

I think it’s safe to say we’ve all had the experience of attempting to express how we feel to someone, like a spouse, teacher, or friend, and feeling like the words we say are misunderstood.  We think we’re communicating clearly, but the person to whom we’re talking gets an entirely different message than what we intended.  This is especially common in arguments, where our messages can get mixed up in strong emotions and come out as accusations or criticism of those we love.

John Gottman researched this pattern in couples in conflict, which can be accompanied by criticism or contempt.  He describes this type of communication as “harsh start-up”, characterized by statements that begin with the word “you,” such as “you didn’t listen to me,” or “you always yell at me and storm off,” or “you started all of this.”  By starting a conversation this way, you’re already setting your partner up to be on the defensive.

So how we can communicate more clearly and honestly?  Gottman suggests using “gentle start-up,” as demonstrated in the simple formula we’ll walk through below.  This formula can be used in marriage, but also in everyday conversations with friends or assertive communication with a coworker or manager.  With each step below, I’ll also mention how you can begin to practice this skill on your own before using it in conversation.

Step 1: “I feel…”

Notice how this statement begins with the word “I” instead of “you.”  This instantly puts less pressure on your partner to become defensive, as you are talking only about your own emotion.  By naming an emotion, you are identifying how the situation or your partner’s behavior is affecting you.  This also can be a vulnerable step, as sharing emotion with others invites them to empathize with you and experience greater intimacy with you as a result.

To practice: To name how a situation makes you feel, you first need to be aware of how you experience emotions in your body, as well as how to distinguish between different emotions.  Spend some time checking in with your emotions daily or when you notice strong emotion arise.  You can use a chart like the one here to put a word to the emotion.  Pay attention to where you feel the emotion in your body: for example, anxiety can feel like knots in the stomach, sadness can feel like a slump of the shoulders, or anger can feel like a sensation of heat.  If you’d like to go deeper, ask yourself: when was the first time I remember feeling this emotion?  Connecting the feeling to a story from childhood can increase your awareness of why you feel that emotion.

Step 2: “because/about…”

Here, you name the situation or experience you had that contributed to the emotional response.  You can name your perspective on the situation or how you interpreted events using words such as “when I saw…” or “when I heard you say…”  One warning though: this step is one of the easiest to use to flip back into harsh start-up.  If your sentence looks something like, “I feel angry because you’re a terrible person,” that will (obviously) cause your partner to become defensive.

To practice: As you begin to become more aware of your emotions, you’ll notice a variety of situations that trigger different emotions in you.  If you’re paying attention to times in your childhood when you previously felt these emotions, you can often begin to trace patterns to your present day life where you respond in similar ways.  Maybe you notice that when you felt ashamed as a child, you would retreat to your room, which is reflected today in your tendency to withdraw from your spouse when you’re feeling shame in the midst of conflict.  Look at these triggers with a critical eye and practice describing your personal experience or point-of-view.

Step 3: “and what I need/want is…”

This is one of the most important and helpful pieces of the formula, as it is the first step to change.  However, it can also be one of the most challenging steps to take.  We often aren’t used to telling those around us what we need.  Our romance-glorifying culture tells us that our spouses should know what we need without us asking.  We can be hesitant to speak about our needs or desires in relationships because they put us in a vulnerable place in risk of being hurt.  But this step is crucial for being able to begin to see growth in intimacy in our relationships.

When expressing this need, be sure to share it in a positive way: instead of telling your partner what you don’t want them to do, instead share what you do want.  For example, instead of telling your spouse to stop pointing out your flaws, you might ask him or her to compliment you more often.

To practice: When you feel strong emotions about situations around you, slow down and ask yourself this question, “What would help me to feel better, more emotionally at peace, or more secure in this situation?”  As you reflect on that question, your needs may begin to become more clear.  Practice saying these needs aloud in a way that feels comfortable to you, so that you can more easily do so in conversation.

Ultimately, the goal of communicating authentically using this formula is to increase intimacy in relationships and to build solid connections with those around you.

The first few times you use this formula can feel scary or awkward.  But as you practice and speak more openly about your emotions and experiences, you’ll notice this formula integrating itself into your daily conversations, and I believe you’ll find yourself connecting more authentically and intimately by offering your true self to others.

This article was previously published under the title “The Magic Formula for Authentic Communication” on May 25, 2017.

Reintegrating Healthy Sexual Intimacy after Betrayal: A Review of The Couple’s Guide to Intimacy

Couples recovery from sex and love addiction can be a complex and lengthy process.  Even for those fully committed to the process of recovery, it can take between three to five years to uncover all that’s needed to heal a marriage.  The chaos and storm of staggered disclosures, broken trust, and faltering attempts at honesty can lead to confusion and overwhelm for both partners in the relationship.

Couples therapy requires participation and change by both members of the couple.  In the early stages of recovery, when the betrayed partner is reeling in pain and has often been manipulated, it doesn’t feel safe to make changes to support the relationship.  Individual healing work needs to be done first. Because of this, couples therapy is not recommended for most couples until each member of the couple is getting their own therapeutic support and a formal disclosure process has been completed.

The addict needs to get their individual pattern of addiction under control, and the partner needs space to process the pain of trauma that they experience.  They both need to establish support systems outside of the relationship in the form of 12 Step groups, sponsorship, support groups, and/or healthy friendships.  Boundaries need to be established and understood. Healing cannot happen in the marriage until there is a foundation of honesty, and formal disclosure is designed to create that foundation.

In some cases, couples therapy can begin earlier in the process of recovery.  Often this is when the couple needs to learn basic communication skills in order to navigate life together while going through this healing process.  Also, this can be helpful if the couple is pursuing a formal therapeutic separation and need guidance from a couples therapist on how to implement this logistically.

Let’s say you and your partner have been consistent in individual therapy, have strong social support, are committed to recovery-oriented behaviors, and have completed a formal disclosure.  Now what?  Many couples aren’t sure what to do once they’ve made significant progress in their individual recovery.  Deeper still, reintegrating or introducing healthy sexual intimacy can feel like a daunting task.  How can a couple recovering from sex and love addiction be intimate again?

Why A Couple’s Guide to Intimacy is Needed

In The Couple’s Guide to Intimacy, Bill and Ginger Bercaw give an answer to these “what next” questions.  They outline the sexual reintegration therapy (SRT) model that they’ve used consistently with recovering couples to help them achieve a level of intimacy in their relationships they hadn’t thought possible. 

The Bercaws’ approach helps to completely overhaul the experience of sexual intimacy in a recovering relationship.  Often, when sexual addiction was present, sexual experiences weren’t truly connecting or meaningful.  Physical and emotional intimacy are explored as integral parts of true sexual connection. 

Their book includes information about the SRT model and explorations of true healthy sexuality and its differences from addicted sex.  They also include a series of practical exercises (planned intimate experiences) that can be put into play by the couple, progressing gradually toward an entirely new vision of sexual intimacy.

Bill and Ginger Bercaw strongly recommend working with a CSAT couples therapist while going through this material, as much of what can arise emotionally and relationally needs space to be processed in a safe environment with trained professionals.  It is also important to maintain your individual therapy and support while walking through SRT, so you can have space to process what comes up for you individually as you begin to experiment with this new approach to intimacy.

Insights from the Book

The foundations upon which Bill and Ginger Bercaw lay their book form a series of important insights into the process of reintegrating healthy sexuality into a recovering marriage.

Healthy sexual intimacy is made possible by integrating physical, emotional, and spiritual dimensions of intimacy.

Broken trust and betrayal destroy all levels of intimacy. In particular, sexual intimacy is affected as often one or both partners are using it as a way to get something from the other, as opposed to truly connecting during the experience.  The book emphasizes the need to integrate all areas of intimacy through direct and open communication and conversations, especially as integrated in the planned intimate experiences (PIEs). 

Reprogramming sexual scripts is Essential.

Our culture’s view on sex influences our approach to intimacy. For example, we emphasize trying new things as a way to keep sexual experience interesting or “spice it up.”  This is intensified by the influence of sex and love addiction on your relationship, where the addict may see sex as a way to pursue novelty or seek the next “high.”  But these approaches are not truly connecting.  They are more focused on performance than they are on intimacy, and intimacy is the greater need.

Reviewing your own sexual history can reveal your expectations about sex.

Bill and Ginger Bercaw lead the reader to reflect on their own sexual experiences and influences on their sexuality as an exercise in self-understanding.  For example, if you have a history of sexual abuse, it likely affects messages about your body or your sexual experience.  Exposure to pornography can create distorted expectations about how sex ought to be.  A lack of sexual information, particularly in more rigid home environments, can lead to a lack of knowledge about sexual response and experience.  Even such influences as the media, peer groups, churches, and others can have an impact on sexuality. 

Early attachment relationships also have an influence on your experience of sexual intimacy in your marriage.  If you have an avoidant attachment style, you’re more likely to want to withdraw from conflict and therefore don’t talk about sexual issues.  If you are more of an anxiously attached person, sex might be a way that you confirm you are loved by someone.  If you grew up in a rigid family system, you might see sexual behavior as rebellious or a way to branch out from restrictions.

These influences need to be acknowledged and addressed before true sexual intimacy can be experienced.  You’re carrying around baggage from your past that has to be unpacked before you can enter into the relationship without expectations or judgment.  This is important as you will be able to come to know your own sexual self and your partner’s sexual self, which then creates a more intimate experience.

The end goal isn’t perfect technique or sexual experience, but expressing love and connection through being present to yourself and your partner.

An overemphasis on technique or an idealized sexual experience has probably already led you to disappointment and pain.  Instead, the Bercaws’ approach to intimacy takes emphasis off the final result, instead focusing on remaining present throughout the entire process of intimacy.  Every PIE exercise focuses on different depths of intimacy.  Many exercises in the progression occur outside the bedroom or with clothes on.  Several focus on creating more emotional and relational intimacy, which paves the way for connected sexual intimacy.

The importance isn’t to find the new sex technique that’s going to boost your pleasure (despite what some magazine covers may say) but instead to learn how to become fully present to yourself, your partner, and your experience during your intimate encounter.  

Safety and communication are necessary in personalizing your path.

For many betrayed partners, there is not a sufficient level of safety in the relationship to rush into intimacy.  The Bercaws’ PIE exercises are designed to help you grow closer, and they also encourage speaking up when you aren’t comfortable or when you need to change something.  They emphasize using talking and listening boundaries throughout their PIEs and reinforce that with an emphasis on healthy, functional boundaries, which they describe at length.

If you’re looking for additional support in understanding how you can grow in the area of sexual intimacy in your recovering marriage, Bill and Ginger Bercaw’s book and their method of sexual reintegration therapy offer useful and practical tools to revolutionize your relationship.

Putting Kindness into Practice When Recovering from Trauma

If you’ve experienced a traumatic event, whether a “Big T” trauma (like a natural disaster) or a “small t” trauma (like prolonged bullying in a toxic workplace), you’ve probably felt some negative aftereffects.  In some cases, you might have had heightened anxiety for a few weeks, but it resolved when the disaster passed.  But for others, it’s possible to find yourself dealing with reminders or fear for months or years afterward.

In the case of childhood trauma, past abuse, or sexual assault, these effects may be more hidden. You could notice strange or unusual behavior and not even link it to those past experiences, because you believe you’ve gotten over them or moved past them.  Typically reminders of these events exist deep under the surface and stir up emotions or physical responses that seem to have no cause. 

For many partners recovering from betrayal trauma, you’re still living in the reality of the trauma.  Your spouse may be in recovery, but that process takes time, so it can feel as though the trauma isn’t over.  It’s like you’re living in the house being affected by the natural disaster: sometimes it seems like everything is okay, and then another wave of pain washes over you as you find out about a slip or relapse.  This “present trauma” effect can happen also for those who are in toxic or harmful situations without an easy way out.

How Trauma Affects Your Emotions and Self-Talk

One of the hallmarks of trauma is a tendency to minimize or question the impact of that trauma on yourself.  Many survivors of trauma have thought, “My experience wasn’t so bad.  Not as bad as so-and-so had it.”  More than that, depression can be an aftereffect of trauma, fueled by negative, self-defeating self-talk.  You might feel doubt about the trauma itself and your own role and responsibility within it, which affects your sense of self-worth.

This unique combination of minimizing your own experience, thinking negatively about yourself, and doubting your own perspective can lead to destructive self-criticism and self-hatred that derail your path to recovery from trauma.

Symptoms of Trauma and Post-Traumatic Stress

In your story of trauma, you may be dealing with some or several of the symptoms of post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD).  These symptoms are worsened when you’re still experiencing the trauma, as with betrayal trauma discussed above.  Those symptoms include:

• Intrusive memories of the traumatic event

• Flashbacks (re-experiencing the memory of the trauma as if you were still there)

• Nightmares

• Avoidance of people, places, and things that remind you of the trauma

• Insomnia/difficulty falling asleep

• Exaggerated startle response (jumping at things more easily, being on edge)

• Hypervigilance (being extra aware of your surroundings and anticipating danger)

• Irritability

• Depression

• Anxiety

• Memory lapses related to the traumatic event

• Chronic negative beliefs about yourself, others, or the world

• Lack of interest in things you used to enjoy

• Distorted self-blame or blame of others about the event

• Intense emotional surges (fear, horror, guilt, anger, shame)

• Feeling isolated or withdrawn from others

• Inability to experience positive emotions

• Self-destructive behaviors

• Lack of ability to focus or concentrate

Why Kindness is Important in Trauma Recovery

If you relate to any of the symptoms listed above in relation to your trauma, my guess is that you also have expressed unkindness toward yourself.  Some of the symptoms directly create that self-hatred: having a negative view of yourself, feelings of self-blame, and shame associated with the events.  Other symptoms can be frustrating and lead to self-criticism, like insomnia, irritability, flashbacks, and nightmares.

For some, the person you were before the trauma happened and the person you are now feel drastically different from one another, and you long to go back to where you were before.  Or, if the trauma occurred when you were young, you long to be “normal” and not have such intense, symptomatic response to triggers of the trauma.

I cannot overemphasize the power and necessity of good psychotherapy if you are dealing with PTSD.  At the same time, learning to approach yourself with kindness while you are healing from trauma is essential. Healing from trauma takes time, and it can be a tiring process. You need an extra dose of kindness to move forward through it.

How to Practice Kindness

Call it what it is.

Stop minimizing your experience and let yourself name it what it is: trauma.  Naming the experience as trauma can give you more of a sense of understanding and peace, as you know that there is an explanation for your symptoms, as well as proven treatments to help you process and learn to cope.

Research the impact of “small t” traumas and acknowledge that they can have just as significant of an effect as a major, “big T” trauma. In fact, sometimes the chronic nature of “small t” traumas can make them harder to move past, as they create ingrained patterns of thought and behavior that need more work to change.

Offer yourself grace and understanding for your symptoms.

Rather than becoming annoyed with yourself for experiencing the very real symptoms of trauma, learn about what they are and acknowledge that is what is happening when you feel them.  Then, when you have symptoms, you’ll know why they’re happening, which can offer a sense of relief. 

When you know your emotional response is tied to trauma, it can also give you more clarity on how to best care for yourself within it. Putting your emotions in the correct context helps you not to feel crazy and reminds you to rely on coping strategies specific to trauma.

Affirm your resilience in surviving the trauma.

Recognize that you made it through whatever traumatic event occurred to you, and (in most cases) it is over now.  If it isn’t fully over, as in the case of betrayal trauma, recognize what you’ve made it through so far and the strength it’s taken to get there. 

Honor what you did to survive, even if it wasn’t the healthiest choice.  Some of your responses to trauma may feel crazy or irrational, but often they are motivated by a legitimate desire for safety or security, particularly after experiencing such an unsettling event.  Consider the root of some of these responses and offer understanding to yourself of why you responded in this way.

Give yourself what you need.

If you’re managing the aftereffects of childhood trauma, ask yourself what you needed then.  Was it someone to listen to you?  A safe place to go when you felt afraid?  A sense of comfort? If you’re still coping with the trauma, ask yourself what you need now.  Healthy distraction? Connection with your recovery community? Rest and nutrition?

Then do it: give yourself the space for extra comfort or care as a result of the reminder of the trauma.  Connect with loved ones or give yourself space and alone time, whichever feels more authentic to your needs.  Practice grounding through deep, mindful breathing or connecting with your five senses.  Practice sensory self-soothing behaviors like taking a bath, putting on warm and cozy clothes, smelling a scented candle or essential oils, or eating a comforting meal.

Use kind words to talk to yourself.

Rather than self-defeating or destructive thoughts you might be used to, consider positive coping thoughts you might use to support you.  Put today’s experience in the context of the bigger picture: you’re working your way through trauma, and it isn’t over yet.

Our words have power. Choose words that remind you of resilience and empowerment rather than hopelessness and helplessness within your response to trauma. Remember your unique character qualities that are supporting you through this crisis.

Practice kindness toward others.

Sometimes the most helpful way for us to move through our own traumatic experiences is to find mutual support through places like support groups, advocacy organizations, or volunteering opportunities.  Find a way that you can love and support others who are going through something similar to you.  If the trauma still feels too fresh, it may be helpful to find a place where you can volunteer or help others that has nothing to do with your area of trauma.  Offering help to others can promote a sense of gratitude and love that brings you out of the all-consuming nature of your trauma experience.

Performance vs. Personhood: Battling Perfectionism in Finding Your Value and Worth

We live in a culture that tells us that our value and worth come from status symbols and outward signs of success.  These status markers show up in distinct ways: an expensive car, a leadership position at work, a vast number of social media followers, the approval of our friends and family, the number of hours we’ve worked in the past week, our grade point average, how many games we’ve won, how many publications our names are on…the list could go on.  Consider for yourself: what are your personal signs of success?

These symbols aren’t necessarily a bad thing in and of themselves.  Often, they signify good goals for which to strive.  But when your internal value or worth as a human being hinges upon achieving these goals or reaching a certain status marker, then you set yourself up for anxiety, pressure, discouragement, and eventual disappointment.

A mistaken belief that underlies desire for status or power is that your value or worth as a person comes from what you do or how well you do it.  Endless pursuit of these symbols of achievement without satisfaction are a hallmark of perfectionism. “Type A” personalities and prestigious academic settings with high achieving students are examples of where this mindset thrives.  People who define themselves by a certain career path or role in life can be devastated by job loss or perceived failure.

What are some signs that you might be defining yourself by your performance?

• Experiencing intense anxiety or fear around activities or situations in which you might be on display

• Feeling devastated by constructive criticism

• Excessive worry about losing your job, promotion, GPA, or position in some area of your life

• Believing that you are worthless without your status symbol

• Feelings of failure or believing that you are a failure

• Constant comparison with others where you find yourself lacking

• Staying busy doing things so you feel good about yourself, even though you’re feeling burned out and exhausted

• Trying to prove yourself in some way to others

This overemphasis on finding value or worth in what we achieve creates people who are beaten down by their life experiences, dealing with clinical levels of anxiety or depression that discourage them and make their attempts to achieve even more difficult.  Instead of encouraging you to improve or creating a drive to do better, the negative thought patterns that come with perfectionism and a performance-based identity lead to discouragement and a lack of motivation.

What are some of those thought patterns that are associated with placing your value and worth in your achievement and success? 

Performance-Based Belief Systems

If I can’t do this, I am bad (won’t be loved, will be rejected, will be alone).

This belief ties your identity as a person to your ability to achieve, connecting to the belief that love or respect of others will be taken away if you fail.  You may feel like all of your actions are on display to be judged and found lacking by others.  These fears of rejection or abandonment lead you to feel pressure to always do the right thing, which eventually becomes impossible.

How does he/she do it all?

Setting unrealistically high standards for yourself can lead you to see others as more competent or capable than you are. A sign of comparison to others is believing that you “should” be able to do as much as someone else and a belief that you are “less than” because you can’t.

I feel good because I was able to achieve ____.

Even though this thought looks positive at the start, it actually hints at the presence of a performance-based value or worth.  What happens if you don’t achieve that in the future?  What happens when you do fail?  Does that influence your belief in your inherent worth or value?

If I’m not a perfect (mom/employee/boss/student), then I’m worthless.

It is impossible to be perfect, and perfection does not equal worth.  Like the comparison-based belief above, this thought indicates setting a standard far above and beyond what is needed.  We all make mistakes and are imperfect as part of our nature, but that doesn’t make us worthless.

How to Respond to Performance-Based Beliefs

Focus on your personality instead of your achievements.

Instead of basing your worth on the things you do or achieve, list different aspects of your personality that you like.  This may prove difficult, as you might slip into what is familiar: listing positive things that you do.  Alternatively, you could find yourself stalling out after a short list and descend into more self-critical thinking.  Allow this process to take time, as chances are you’re not accustomed to speaking to yourself in kind and affirming language.

Shut off the comparison trap.

Limit your time on social media.  Pay attention to your thoughts about others and rather than feeling jealous or comparing yourself to them, ask yourself how you can be grateful for that person’s role in your life.  Remember that often you are comparing your insides (your doubts, fears, anxieties, perceived failures) to someone else’s outsides (what they post online).   It may be time to unfollow certain people on social media if you find that their posts stir up too much of this comparison dynamic in you.

Consider the impact of your past.

Our past experiences influence the way we view ourselves and the world around us.  How might they be influencing your thinking?  Look for moments where you first felt perfectionism or a need for success most strongly.  Why was success important for you in your past?  What happened when you didn’t succeed?  Did you have an overly critical parent, teacher, or other adult figure in your life?  How might they have influenced you?

Ask yourself how you’d treat others.

Identify people in your life who have  made mistakes, but of whom you don’t think negatively.  What makes those people different from you?  We are our own harshest critics.  In many cases, we would never talk to a friend or loved one the way we talk to ourselves.  For many of us, we wouldn’t consider seeing someone else as worthless or without value because they’ve made mistakes.

Alternatively, you might notice that you are critical or judgmental of others when they make mistakes.  Often having high standards for yourself means you expect others to meet those high standards too.  Consider how it might feel to release those standards and be free of the disappointment and anger associated with both your and others’ mistakes.

Act out of your values.

Performance-based thinking often comes with a list of “shoulds.” Living by these “shoulds” is a setup for failure, because you’ll never be able to meet them to your level of satisfaction.  The standard will constantly get higher: you may achieve one part of your “should,” but it won’t be enough.

Instead, focus on your core values.  Examples include integrity, love, health, creativity, support, generosity, personal growth, etc.  Ask yourself what is important to you at your core, not what other people think should be your values.  When you know what our personal values are, that leads the way to choose value-based actions that aren’t driven by trying to prove yourself, but instead are driven by who you are.

A Christian Perspective

If you are of the Christian faith, church involvement and service can become another way in which you tie your value to your performance.  Striving to be a “good Christian” or to “do the right thing for Jesus” might be ways these beliefs shift to meet a Christian lifestyle.

The desire to serve God by itself is not a bad thing: in its best form, it comes from wanting to respond to the love of God we have received. But other times, the motivation for this service is based in a faulty theology of God.  It sees God as a taskmaster demanding obedience, rather than a generous and kind Father who loves you so unconditionally that He will welcome you home even when you fail miserably (see Luke 15:11-32 and Romans 5:8).

Our value and worth as Christians does not come from our activities, performance, or actions.  Whenever we say we’re trying to be a “good Christian,” that denies our powerlessness to be good on our own apart from God.  We are only able to offer out of what we’ve already been given (see Ephesians 2:8-10). 

In the Christian life, our primary identity is not defined by how “good” we are or how perfectly we follow the rules.  We are first and most essentially children of God, beloved, secure, and cared for by our Father.  When that is our identity rather than what we do, we are much more likely to be at peace with ourselves and be able to act out of our values instead of trying to earn God’s favor or love.  You already have God’s favor just by being His child!  There is no more that can be done to make God love you more or less (Romans 8:38-39).