Breaking Through Denial: Task 1 in Carnes' 30 Task Model for Addiction Recovery

What do you do after you realize you have a problem with sex and love addiction?  Maybe you’ve been found out by a spouse or significant other, and you know you need to get help.  Perhaps you’ve had legal or financial consequences that put you in a position to make some serious changes.  You may have even begun therapy with a counselor to address your addictive behaviors.  But what does treatment for sex and love addiction look like?

The 30 Task Model

Dr. Patrick Carnes, the pioneer in research and literature on sex addiction, designed his treatment model centered around 30 essential tasks to recovery.  These 30 tasks are broken into three sections: early recovery tasks, long-term recovery tasks (internal and external), and relational/family recovery.  He explores the first seven of these tasks in his workbook Facing the Shadow, while the next set of tasks is outlined in the follow-up books The Recovery Zone 1 & 2.

While all thirty of these tasks need to be addressed during the 3-5 year period of recovery from addiction, they aren’t necessarily completed in order.  You may find yourself working on spirituality (task #30) while you’re in the early stages of learning more about addiction (task #2) and establishing sobriety (task #5).  Or you may find that, several years into your recovery, you need to break through denial (task #1) about a new area of addiction that has replaced your sexual acting out (task #8).  Or while you’re working on your marriage relationship (task #27), you’re also grieving the losses your addiction has created in your marriage (task #12).

The 30 tasks don’t directly correlate with the 12 Steps, they share much of the same DNA.  For example, task #3 (surrender to the process) is very similar to what you’d find in Step 2 and Step 3.  In fact, task #7 (participate in a culture of support) is implemented through involvement in support groups and 12 Step programs.

The 30 Task Model can give you a roadmap to follow in treatment for sex and love addiction.  They can also be a helpful reference point when you’re in the middle of recovery and looking for what’s next or when you find yourself getting off track.  I’ve used them in sessions with clients as a means to define our goals together and as a self-assessment to identify potential areas for continued growth. 

In this series, we’ll take an in-depth look at each of the 30 tasks in Carnes’ model and explore some of his recommended activities (as well as a few of my own) for addressing this task or returning to it later in recovery.  Kavod Psychotherapy created a reference diagram briefly describing each of these 30 tasks.  More information on the tasks can be found in Facing the Shadow, The Recovery Zone series, or the Recovery Start Kit, all created by Dr. Patrick Carnes. 

Task 1: Break Through Denial

The essential starting point for any addict in recovery is the shift in thinking from “I don’t have a problem” or “this isn’t a big deal” into facing the reality of the presence of addiction and its destructive power in your life.

To put the label of “addiction” on your behaviors can be challenging, as we often associate addiction with moral failure or flaws.  Denial allows you to avoid a sense of shame or guilt about these behaviors.  Labeling behaviors as addiction also compels you to change, while denial can justify or minimize the impact of your behaviors.

Often the first call to break through denial comes when a loved one, like a spouse, finds out about your compulsive sexual behaviors.  This often begins the process of therapy and support.  Sometimes you’ve experienced a sense of guilt or being unable to stop that you’ve been aware of, but there isn’t any motivation to make a change until you hit that crisis point. 

Practical Steps for Task 1

Take an addiction-related assessment.

When you begin working with a Certified Sex Addiction Therapist (CSAT), they’ll typically encourage you to take one of a few different types of assessment to compare your symptoms and behaviors to a norm.

One is a quick inventory that you can take on your own: The Sexual Addiction Screening Test, or SAST.  This compares responses from a non-addicted population to a population of self-reported sex addicts.  This way, you can see whether or not you fall within range of normal behavior or addictive behavior. 

If your scores from the SAST put you in range of addictive behavior, you may be asked by your therapist to take a Sexual Dependency Inventory (SDI).  This is a much more extensive assessment that helps you clarify the form your addiction takes, as well as various additional measures that identify potential roots for the addiction.  Some of the questions for this particular assessment are found in the Facing the Shadow book in Chapter 3, so you can review those on your own if you choose.

Another alternative is to compare your experience of compulsive sexual behaviors with the criteria for addiction listed in the DSM-5.  While there isn’t yet a diagnostic category for sexual addiction in the DSM, you can use the same criteria as alcohol or drug use disorder and simply replace the substance listed in the criteria with compulsive sexual behaviors.

Write out any problems or consequences you’re experiencing.

Make a list of any problems you’re facing in your life, whether they are obviously addiction-related or not.  Often problems seem unrelated to the addiction, but their solutions can be influenced by the time and energy the addiction takes.

Examine your list to identify which of these are either directly caused by or intensified by your compulsive sexual behaviors.  Include not only physical consequences you may have had as a result of the addiction but also emotional and spiritual consequences.

Make a list of the secrets you are keeping and from whom you are keeping them.

Addiction thrives in secrecy.  One major way to break through denial is to identify where that secrecy is taking place.  This deception can be about major things, like hiding your compulsive sexual behaviors for fear of rejection or pain.  But they can also be about minor things, like finding yourself compulsively lying or hiding aspects of who you are as a person.

Take note of these, as well as from whom you’ve been hiding them.  Notice if there is anyone in your life who knows everything.  If not, be curious about why that is.  If you run into a pattern of presenting a different person in different contexts, explore what might be influencing that behavior. 

Recognize the “stinkin’ thinkin’” of addiction.

Denial exists primarily in our minds as a way of interpreting our behaviors and our thoughts.  It can show up as making excuses, minimizing, justifying, feelings of entitlement, blame-shifting, taking on the victim role, and many others.

Begin to recognize the beliefs you have that allow you to continue on in your addiction.  Utilize resources such as this article to identify different types of beliefs that might show up in your denial.

Sometimes these beliefs are so strong that they’re hard to label as denial.  Understanding delusion and self-deception can help make sense of these thoughts and place them into the correct category.

Tell the whole story to someone.

Once you’ve sorted through how denial functions to protect you from facing the reality of your addiction, now you can work against that denial by sharing your story of addiction with a safe and trusted person.  This person could be your therapist, sponsor, pastor or spiritual mentor, or a close friend who has offered understanding and empathy when you’ve talked about difficult things in the past.  It may be helpful to write a letter or narrative to help you express your thoughts and ensure that you are as honest as possible.

Many 12 Step programs encourage you to share this information in your First Step.  You might share parts of your story with a group during a regular meeting or present your First Step as a whole to the group.  Telling another sex and love addict in recovery can be helpful, particularly in a group setting. They will know how and when to challenge you, as they can relate to the experience in a unique way.

Obviously, it can be challenging to work up the courage to share your First Step with the group in a way that feels supportive and kind to yourself. Get connected to a sponsor or other support individual and share with them first before you do so in a more public form.  In the meantime, listen to others’ First Steps to consider what pieces of your story relate to theirs.

Check your story with others.

The way we perceive the world, especially when it comes to our own actions, isn’t always the way others see it.  If you’re wondering about the impact of your behaviors and you feel able or comfortable to do so, ask others.  Similarly, you can observe when others in your group talk about the impact of their addiction on their loved ones and draw connections to how your loved ones may be feeling.

If you are married or in a significant relationship with another person, you may go through a formal disclosure process at some point.  As part of the disclosure, your loved one will read you an impact letter they’ve written that describes how they have felt as a result of your addiction.  This can be a helpful experience to come back to as a reminder of the reality of the pain caused by your behaviors. 

Repeat.

Keep coming back to these components of breaking through denial at each stage of your recovery.  You might find the stinkin’ thinkin’ re-emerges when you’re about to face a new challenge to your sobriety.  At around 6-8 months of sobriety, you may become overconfident and observe some of these denial patterns coming back in again.

Create and add to a list of beliefs that push you into addiction, denial statements, entitlement, and excuse-making statements so you can continue to recognize those thought patterns when they come up.  The more you are able to recognize and be on guard for this denial, the more likely you will be to catch it and redirect into your recovery.

The Types of Thoughts that Keep You Stuck and How to Combat Them

So much of our day-to-day life is impacted by our thoughts, whether we’re aware of them or not.  Our interpretation of events as filtered through our thoughts influences how we experience the world around us.  What we believe about ourselves can affect our confidence, for better or for worse.  How we perceive others can lead to connection or conflict.

Cognitive behavioral therapy, or CBT, is one of the most common treatment methods in mental health counseling.  One of the central principles to the CBT approach is a recognition of the power of thoughts, or cognitions, to impact our emotional well-being and our behaviors and choices. 

When a situation occurs, your response to that situation typically involves three things: thoughts, emotions, and behaviors.  You might more easily identify your emotional response or how you react behaviorally. What CBT points out is how emotions and behaviors are influenced by your thoughts, or interpretation, of the event.

Since the thoughts you have in response to a situation are the catalyst to emotional distress and destructive behaviors, targeting these thoughts can be a game-changer in improving your overall mental well-being.

Three Types of Thoughts

There are three layers of thoughts that influence emotions and behavior as identified in the cognitive-behavioral model: automatic thoughts, intermediate beliefs, and core beliefs.

Automatic Thoughts

Automatic thoughts are situation-specific thoughts that pop into your head.  They’re referred to as “automatic” because they largely arise from subconscious awareness – you aren’t choosing actively to have those thoughts.  They might be positive, negative, or neutral in tone.

For example, let’s imagine you received critical feedback on a project you completed for work.  A positive automatic thought in response to this might be, “That was a tough project, but I know I have the skills to implement the changes they suggested next time.”  On the other hand, a negative automatic thought might be, “I can’t believe I missed those details.  I worked so hard on this project. Why do I always mess things up?” 

You probably aren’t aware of many of your automatic thoughts because they happen so frequently and quickly.  While some of these thoughts are distorted or influenced by your core beliefs or intermediate beliefs (defined below), you aren’t likely to question these thoughts naturally.  However, you can learn to become more aware of them and implement strategies to evaluate the accuracy of these thoughts.

Intermediate Beliefs

Intermediate beliefs exist as a mediator between automatic thoughts and core beliefs.  These are personal perceptions of how things work that influence how you interpret the current situation.  They can be rules, assumptions, “shoulds,” or attitudes that apply to a variety of situations with a broader reach. 

Let’s take a look at the automatic thoughts from above (“I can’t believe I missed those details; why do I always mess things up?”) to illustrate examples of the types of intermediate beliefs.  Perhaps your reaction is intensified by a rule, such as, “I should be perfect.”  Or maybe you have the assumption, “Weak people make mistakes.”  A conditional, “if…then…” belief might sound like, “if I succeed at work, then I will be okay.”

These beliefs not always explicitly stated, but can be held internally. They form as our brains try to make sense of what we observe in the environment around us from a young age.  We learn these beliefs from what we observe in our families-of-origin, our experiences, our relationships, and elsewhere.  These beliefs serve a purpose: they protect us from the deeper core beliefs that are often more painful and scary.

Core Beliefs/Schemas

Core beliefs are rigid, deeply rooted beliefs about yourself, others, or the world.  They are heavily based in past experiences, often beginning in childhood, and they can be reinforced by trauma.  Schemas are a series of interconnected core beliefs that form a mental framework to organize information. These core beliefs and schemas aren’t activated in every moment of life, but once they become activated, they have a strong influence on your emotional well-being. 

Some examples of core beliefs that might be at play in the work situation are, “I’m a failure.”  “I’m not good enough.”  “I don’t have what it takes.” “I’m weak.”

Core beliefs are a filter through which you see the world.  You observe and remember evidence that serves to confirm these beliefs, and you ignore evidence that doesn’t fit.  You may even find yourself creating situations for yourself that reinforce these beliefs as a self-fulfilling prophecy.  Or you may re-write positive information that doesn’t fit in with your schema or core belief to fit the negative belief (ie. “They gave me a compliment BUT they must have just felt bad for me because I’m so ugly.”)

How to Respond to These Beliefs

When you recognize these distressing beliefs, you can begin to change your pattern of thinking.  Remind yourself that these beliefs are not absolute truth, as much as they may feel that way while you’re having them.  You can pause and question the thoughts, reminding yourself of reality.

First, trace your automatic thought through the intermediate beliefs that influence it and the core beliefs it stirs up in you.  When you notice an automatic thought, reflect on what assumptions, conditions, or rules might be at play.  Use those to identify what core belief might be at work.  To facilitate this process, you can ask yourself questions like, “so what?” or “what does that mean about me, others, or the world?”

Once you’ve identified your three types of thoughts, here are a few strategies specific to each type of thought that may help you change those patterns.

Automatic thoughts

• Look for cognitive distortions and call them out. Cognitive distortions are common irrational belief patterns, such as all-or-nothing thinking, overgeneralization, jumping to conclusions, and emotional reasoning.  These happen so automatically that we often don’t realize they’re distorted until we slow down enough to recognize which distortion is at play.

• Normalize the subconscious, immediate reactions. Rather than getting caught up in anger at yourself for your negative automatic thoughts, identify their origins.  Connecting an automatic thought to a core belief or intermediate belief can help you make sense of why you would think that way and practice more kindness toward yourself.

Intermediate Beliefs

• Ask yourself, “where did I learn this from?” Look for examples where this rule, assumption, or condition was communicated to you or modeled for you, either directly or indirectly.  Identify if there were expectations in your family-of-origin or a traumatic event that may have solidified this belief.

• Check the validity of your beliefs. Just because you have a thought doesn’t mean that it is true.  Put your thoughts on trial by exploring the evidence for and evidence against their truthfulness. Consider what you might say to a friend in a similar situation: would you hold them to the same standard?  Why or why not?

Core Beliefs

• Act “as if” you believed the opposite. Consider what would change in your life if you believed the opposite of your negative core belief.  If your core belief is “I am a failure,” what would change in your life if you believed you were a success?  How would you respond differently?  Begin to experiment with some of those actions and observe what happens. You may find that changing the behavior with a mindset toward altering the core belief can lead you to new perspective.

• Seek out disconfirming evidence. Make a list of all the evidence you can find that your core belief isn’t true.  Instead of filtering positive information to make it fit your negative schema, try the opposite: see if there are alternative explanations for negative experiences.  Reframe your thoughts to fit that more accurate perspective.

Facing Your Powerlessness in Addiction Recovery

The First Step of any 12 Step program requires you to admit your powerlessness over your drug of choice.  This shows that admitting powerlessness is a foundational component of seeking healing.  Why is that?

Have you ever heard the term “dry drunk”?  It refers to an alcoholic who hasn’t touched alcohol in years, but hasn’t admitted to their own powerlessness over the addiction.  They may not be drinking anymore, but the thoughts, emotions, and behaviors that got them into alcoholism in the first place haven’t changed.  Getting sober this way sets you up for relapse because the deeper causes and reasons for your addiction aren’t being addressed, they’re just being avoided. Recovery is a multifaceted approach to addressing addiction that requires serious life reflection and commitment to change.

You cannot heal from addiction independent from the support of others, God, and the tools of recovery.  Thinking you ought to have power over your addiction is like thinking you can tough your way through a major illness: there are biological realities at play in addiction with which you need to contend.  Believing you have control over your addiction shows pride in thinking you can handle it all on your own.  It also shows a lack of recognition of the role of God, or a Power higher than yourself, as the power you need to rely on to draw you out of powerlessness against addiction.

What is powerlessness?

To recognize powerlessness over your addiction is to face the reality that you don’t have the self-control, discipline, or power to stop your addiction on your own. Usually this is highlighted by continuing addictive behaviors despite (sometimes severe) consequences for your actions.  Maybe you’ve violated your personal values in your addiction, or you’ve gone further or deeper than you expected you would.  You recognize that none of your efforts to stop have truly worked, and that the addiction has caused destruction and chaos in your life.

Admitting powerlessness requires getting honest with yourself about reality, instead of the “stinkin’ thinkin’” (delusion and denial) that enables your addiction.  It involves realizing that your attempts at self-control are not cutting it, and that you need to rely on others to support you in gaining discipline and control. 

It may seem like admitting powerlessness is giving up, but the exact opposite is true.  Powerlessness isn’t meant to lead to hopelessness, but rather to a greater sense of hope and agency in your life.  Recognizing this powerlessness over addiction is not the same as saying you have no power to create change in your life.  Instead, it means that the way out of your addiction requires you to rely on the support of other people, God, and the time-tested tool of recovery as lifelines to pull you out of the raging sea of addiction. 

As you ask yourself whether or not you’re recognizing your own powerlessness, there are a few different phrases or ways of thinking to notice.  Pay attention to the statements below that sound familiar to you. 

Overt Denial of Powerlessness

“I can stop anytime I want.”

This belief assumes that you have enough power over your addictive behaviors to stop.  It denies the reality of all the other unsuccessful attempts you’ve made to stop as a result of major consequences.

“I can handle this on my own.”

Relying on your own independent attempts to control your behavior has likely led to more failure than success in the past.  Believing you have enough power to stop on your own feeds isolation and pride, both of which are fuel for continuing in addiction.

“Maybe they need help, but I’m different.”

Often when you attend your first 12 Step meeting or read stories about others’ addictions, this thought can cross your mind.  But this assumption of uniqueness minimizes the impact of your current addiction on yourself and others.

Subtle Denial of Powerlessness

While the statements above might be obvious refusals of powerlessness, you might more readily identify with some of the subtle ways denial can creep in. 

“I should be able to stop this behavior.”  “I just have to be better/do better.”

A foundational truth in recovery is that you cannot stop or do better on your own.  This belief assumes that you should be able to do recovery by yourself instead of relying on the support of other people.  It forgets the unsuccessful efforts you’ve made to stop in the past, even though many of them came out of a place of trying to do better. 

“I need to punish myself to make myself stop.”

You might have this thought if you come from a family background that was rigid, with strict rules and no tolerance for mistakes.  It is linked to a shame-based identity or view of self as fundamentally flawed or bad at the core.  Physical punishment, deprivation, social withdrawal, or any other way of punishing yourself increases feelings of despair and hopelessness.  And since addictive behaviors are the primary way you cope with distress and pain, you’ll return to those in a heartbeat.

“If I can just get my life in order, I’ll be fine.”

Constantly attempting to get your life under control when you are living in chaos is fruitless.  The addiction has worn away at your self-control and self-discipline.  You need to learn those skills anew through the tested work of recovery before you’ll be able to apply them to other areas of your life.

“If I can just get through this difficult circumstance, I’ll be fine.”

Depending on circumstances to change for things to get better will mean that you’re waiting forever, because there will always be another distressing circumstance that can be used as a reason for not moving forward.  This mindset also leaves your life up to chance, rather than leading you to take ownership of what you do have control over: yourself.

“It’s not a big deal if I skip my meeting/sponsor call/support group/therapy session, etc.”

Minimizing the importance of these consistent practices of recovery is a recipe for slipping back into addiction.  One skip becomes two, which becomes five, and before you know it you’ve gone months without receiving the support you need for your recovery.

“If I can’t do everything, it’s not worth doing anything.”

Alternatively, you might feel overwhelmed by the idea of taking on all the work of recovery.  You might beat yourself up for missing a meeting or having a slip and then throw out all your other positive, recovery-based practices with it.  Don’t set yourself up for failure by expecting perfection, because perfection in this process is impossible.

“I had a slip/relapse, which means I’m back at square one.”

Slips and relapse are part of the normal trajectory of recovery.  To say they bring you back to square one dismisses the work you’ve done so far in your recovery journey.  See slips as a learning opportunity.  Use them to learn about additional supports you need, the needs or desires that drove you to act out, or catalysts or triggers that create more temptation.

“I’ll never get better.  I’m a lost cause.”

You assume that the process that has helped thousands of others won’t work for you.  It presumes your own uniqueness or difference, as referenced earlier.  Submit yourself to the process of recovery and allow yourself the gift of patience while you wait for it to take hold.

The Language of Powerlessness

What is the more accurate way of looking at your process in recovery, in light of powerlessness?  Choose statements from the list below to combat the mistaken or faulty beliefs you’ve identified from the overt or subtle ways of denying your own powerlessness above.  Alternatively, you can use this entire list as a daily affirmation to support you in your recovery. 

“I need to surrender to God/my Higher Power.”

“I need support and accountability to get better, and I can find that in my support group/12 Step group/with my therapist, etc.”

“I am unable to stop this behavior without the tools of recovery.”

“There is a proven path to recovery that I can rely on to move forward.  It works if I work it.”

“When I don’t know what to do, I can ask for help.”

“I am able to make small, manageable choices toward recovery today.”

“I am seeking progress, not perfection.”

“There is no better day than today to start or re-commit to my recovery.”

“I can handle this one day at a time.”