How Understanding Attachment Can Drastically Improve Your Relationship: A Review of Hold Me Tight by Dr. Sue Johnson

There are many theories and countless books about what makes relationships and marriages work.  Self-care and relationship sections at bookstores are filled with plenty of resources to offer marriage advice, not all of which is reliable or helpful.  But when all these tools coincide with increasing divorce rates, we are left wondering: how can couples make it through some of the worst moments of their relationship?

If you’ve been in a relationship with high levels of conflict, negative spirals you can’t seem to escape, and a sense of growing distance between you and your partner, the discouragement can feel overwhelming.  What’s the solution to these seemingly endless loops in which couples find themselves that propel them to consider divorce?

“To achieve a lasting loving bond, we have to be able to tune in to our deepest needs and longings and translate them into clear signals that help our lovers respond to us.”

— Dr. Sue Johnson

Hold Me Tight

In her book Hold Me Tight, Dr. Sue Johnson uses the lenses of attachment theory and neuroscience to explore how some couples overcome the destructive patterns in their relationship to forge a stronger connection.  She pulls together research from various studies on relationships that highlight the themes of attachment.  She then translates these concepts into seven practical conversations that help you explore the application of these concepts to your relationship.  They focus on how to turn challenging patterns of argument and conflict into opportunities to create connection and empathy.

This book is written for the everyday couple.  She explains clinical terms in a way that makes sense to someone who has never heard them before, and she uses frequent examples of couples going through challenges to illustrate the points she is making.  Counselors can also benefit from reading this book, however, as I know I was able to glean some practical tips and language that can help me guide my clients in their relationships. 

What I Appreciated

“Emotional Safety” and Other Terminology

Dr. Johnson’s use of terms like “emotional safety” take the heady, intellectual concepts of attachment and translate them into clear, relatable language.  Emotional safety is what we long for in relationships: the ability to know that our partner is Accessible (Are you there? Can I get to you?), Responsive (Can I depend on you to be there for me emotionally?) and Engaged (Am I valuable to you?  Will you maintain closeness with me?).  She teaches how to use what she coins A.R.E. conversations (based on accessibility, responsiveness, and engagement) to get at the heart of what is happening within connection and disconnection.

In fact, much of her language is descriptive and easy to remember.  For example, she uses “Demon Dialogues” to identify common patterns in faulty communication.  She introduces “Hold Me Tight” conversations, in which partners talk about their needs for emotional safety and connection that exist behind a conflict, inviting empathy and compassion.

Providing a Contrast to Cultural Messages

Frequently, Dr. Johnson contrasts our culture’s emphasis on independence and self-sufficiency with the reality of what makes couples work: mutual support, emotional bonding, and healthy meeting of emotional needs.  Often our culture decries weakness or dependency on anyone, encouraging us to stand on our own.  Even language surrounding codependency can swing toward this extreme of isolation through independence.  Her work in this book is meant to shift the narrative around healthy emotional support and depending on our spouses to meet emotional needs, particularly as larger social connections have been decreasing.

Conversations about Arguments and Hope

In the seven conversation topics Dr. Johnson proposes, she includes addressing arguments and conflict head-on, as they often carry the charge of longing for emotional connection behind them.  However, she doesn’t stop there.  The later conversations dig into such topics as improving daily moments of connection, creating rituals that reinforce your love, and improving your sexual relationship.  The earlier conversations around conflict and emotional needs lay the groundwork to make these later conversations go more smoothly.

“A desperate need for an emotional response that ends in blaming and a desperate fear of rejection and loss that ends in withdrawal – this was the scaffolding underneath these endless conflicts.”

— Dr. Sue Johnson

Pauses for Self-Reflection

As attachment and emotional safety are likely new concepts for you in your relationship, it makes sense that you might not know where to start in understanding your emotional needs.  Dr. Johnson leads you through personal reflection and helps you identify what she’s talking about, like your own personal raw spots based on past relationships with family or significant others.  The use of examples throughout can also help you self-reflect, as you identify what you relate to in their stories.

“Play and Practice”

In every chapter, there is at least one, if not several, practical application sections labeled “Play and Practice.”  These take the concepts Dr. Johnson talked about in the chapter and help you have a productive conversation with your partner about how they apply to your specific relationship.  These include such tools as fill-in-the-blank sentences that help you communicate with your partner about your reactions and emotional needs.  In particular, one section I appreciated near the end encouraged couples to write a summary story of the progress they’ve made in their relationship that serves as a narrative base to come back to when things start to get difficult or slip back into old patterns.

Addressing Trauma

She also included a chapter specifically targeting the challenging symptoms and disconnection that arises when trauma exists in your relationship.  I found this chapter especially helpful when thinking about addicts and betrayed partners who need to know that using these principles is still possible within their recovery from trauma.

She reminds the reader that we cannot stay isolated and disconnected in our trauma.  Instead, we need to let others, including our partners, into those dark places.  This can help make sense of the often confusing symptoms of PTSD that arise and create chaos within the relationship.

“If we cannot successfully connect with others, our struggles to cope with trauma become less effective, and our main resource, our love relationship, often begins to sink under its weight.”

— Dr. Sue Johnson

How to Use This Book

If you are in a relationship where you find yourself arguing often, unable to get on the same page, feeling unsupported, or simply not understanding each other, this book might be a good place to start.  It is helpful if you don’t think you’re ready for couples counseling yet, but could use some support and growth within communication and connection.  Perhaps you and your significant other could read the book together and work through the Play and Practice sections to learn more about one another.  I believe this book can also be beneficial if you read it separately from your spouse, but the best outcome is more likely to come if you read it together.

If you are a couple in crisis, on the brink of divorce, or unable to have the type of in-depth conversation the book requires due to a buildup of past pain or a tendency to get lost in the “Demon Dialogues,” your first priority might be instead to seek out couples counseling.  If the principles of this book interest you, I’d recommend looking for a therapist who has training in Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy (EFT), the model Dr. Johnson created based on her body of work.  You could also read this book as part of your therapy or on the side, but the best option is likely meeting with a quality couples therapist.

“We will never create a really strong, secure connection if we do not allow our lovers to know us fully or if our lovers are unwilling to know us.”

— Dr. Sue Johnson

How Enduring Vulnerabilities Are Affecting Your Marriage

Have you ever had an intense emotional reaction to something your spouse says or does, even though the situation doesn’t warrant it?  If you haven’t noticed this in yourself, is this something you’ve seen happen in your partner while you’re in a disagreement?

What about when you get into an argument with your spouse, but later on, neither of you are able to remember how the argument began or what made you so angry in the first place?  Often it can feel like it began over something silly that escalated out of control within minutes.

When your reaction to a situation in the present is intensified by experiences from the past, these signal that there may be an enduring vulnerability at play.

What are enduring vulnerabilities?

The term “enduring vulnerability” was coined by Thomas Bradbury and Benjamin Karney at UCLA.  It references past experiences in relationships, your family-or-origin, or other traumas that have created a subconscious reaction within you to similar experiences in the present.

For example, a child who was frequently bullied about his or her weight may continue to feel heightened sensitivity around body image and weight into adult years.  When their spouse suggests an exercise program to do together, the spouse with the enduring vulnerability around body image may have a strong emotional reaction of anger, fear, and shame. 

Often these vulnerabilities stem from attachment wounds.  Attachment wounds occur when a primary caregiver in your childhood was not a safe or secure base for you.  You project those attachment wounds on your partner because they are now the closest attachment figure in your life.

Enduring vulnerabilities are unique to all people and are often the source of these unexpected emotional reactions.   In order to understand how they impact you, you must practice self-reflection and awareness of the current situation in order to put them into context.

How do enduring vulnerabilities impact couples?

Major arguments that happen in relationships are often fueled by these enduring vulnerabilities.  Something your spouse says or does reminds you of someone else or a past trauma, and you react as if you are right back in that trauma.

Sometimes, enduring vulnerabilities are worsened by actual harm done in your marriage.  When your partner makes a critical or contemptuous comment to you, it can intensify an enduring vulnerability that already exists.  If you have experienced betrayal in your marriage relationship, new vulnerabilities may form as your primary adult attachment figure now feels unsafe.

How can couples use enduring vulnerabilities to grow closer?

There is an upside to these enduring vulnerabilities, however.  John Gottman, in his research on couples, recognized that arguments provide an opportunity for couples to grow in intimacy as they get to know one another’s enduring vulnerabilities.  Understanding one another’s stories will allow you to increase your empathy in responding and caring for one another in your marriage.

Recognize them.

When you find yourself reacting strongly to an interaction with your spouse, take some time to self-reflect.  What was the most challenging part of the conversation for you?  Why do you think it was the most challenging? Ask yourself what the interaction reminded you of. What situations in the past may have set you up to feel the way you did?

Pay attention to the physical sensations that arose in your body, the emotions you were feeling, and the thoughts that were running through your mind.  Let your mind float back to similar experiences in your life. These memories may be the key to uncovering why you responded so strongly to your partner’s actions or words.

Talk about them with your partner.

After some time has passed post-argument and tensions have lowered, share what you felt particularly sensitive to about that argument and how it relates to what you now know about your enduring vulnerabilities.  Be sure to talk about your own experience using the talking formula rather than offering criticism or contempt about your spouse.

If your spouse is sharing their enduring vulnerabilities with you, listen to them.  Ask open-ended questions to understand more of their story.  Offer validation and empathy to show that you understand how what happened in the present must have been difficult for them, based on what they experienced in the past.

Conversations about enduring vulnerabilities can help you know one another more deeply and connect on a more significant level.  They create a stronger sense of intimacy as you begin to know one another’s stories and experience empathy and understanding.

Create a plan for situations like these in the future.

As a couple, you can decide how you want to approach these enduring vulnerabilities when they inevitably arise in your relationship again.  

It is important for the spouse who has the enduring vulnerability to take responsibility for their personal emotions, rather than blaming their reaction on their partner.  It may require them to do their own work in counseling or elsewhere to identify when enduring vulnerabilities arise and options for changing their automatic reaction to them.  This is especially important when that enduring vulnerability is impacted by a more serious mental health concern such as depression, PTSD, addiction, or others.

At the same time, the spouse who is not affected by that vulnerability can choose to adapt their approach in these conversations to lovingly support their spouse and avoid known triggers related to that vulnerability.  For example, if one of your spouse’s enduring vulnerabilities comes from being called “stupid” frequently by a verbally abusive parent, you might intentionally avoid using that word to describe them or choose to affirm their competence in challenging situations.

In order to avoid codependency and attempts at mind-reading, have a conversation with your spouse about what would be supportive to them when they are experiencing an enduring vulnerability.  Allow your spouse to make requests of what they would prefer, and consider if you are willing to offer support in that way.

Have patience with the process.

Understanding your own and your spouse’s enduring vulnerabilities is not an overnight process.  It takes time to fully understand how your unique stories and past experiences play into your interactions with one another, and often there will be some trial-and-error before you find the best ways to support one another.  Give yourself grace in this period of learning.

Know also that frequently couples have enduring vulnerabilities that intensify one another when they occur.  For example, he feels hurt when she walks away from the conversation out of fear of abandonment, but she feels scared when he comes after her due to her past history of abuse.  Recognizing and talking about these together can help you have more empathy for one another and grow into different approaches that work for your unique marriage.

3 Steps to Argue Your Way to a Stronger Relationship

Do you often find yourself in the same argument over and over again with your significant other?  Are there certain topics you can’t seem to agree on, no matter how often you talk about them?  Maybe you truly love your spouse and want what’s best for them, but you can’t seem to see eye-to-eye on finances, parenting, or household responsibilities. 

You are not alone.  Every couple faces these types of conflicts.  But there’s some good news: these conflicts are the greatest opportunities you have for increasing intimacy and connection in your relationship.

John Gottman, a marriage researcher who has been studying what makes marriages healthy for over 40 years, has termed this type of conflict “gridlocked.”  He defines gridlock as conflict that doesn’t have a clear-cut solution.  And surprisingly enough, he has found through his research that 69% of all conflicts are gridlocked.  That means over two-thirds of all conflict doesn’t have a right or wrong solution!

But that doesn’t mean it’s a lost cause.  Rather, these conflicts you experience in your relationship can be approached with a heart of compromise and understanding in order to pave the way for more closeness in relationship.

Where do these arguments go wrong?

When you’re in gridlocked conflict, you may find yourself trying to convince your significant other that you are right and they are wrong.  You may not be wiling to see their perspective because you’ve already dug in your heels on your point-of-view.

On the flip side, you might develop bitterness and resentment from avoiding conversations about these tense topics, which spills out into other areas.  Have you ever had difficulty remembering what started your fight?  Little annoyances are magnified by the underlying tension and anger from gridlocked conflict.

What needs to change?

Altering your approach to conflict requires you to reframe the argument as an opportunity to grow in intimacy with your partner.  There are reasons why you feel stuck in these areas.  Often it is because of your own and your partner’s desires and the narratives tied to them. These make it difficult for you to change your position.  The purpose of the next exercise is to understand you partner’s story so that you can see why their position is so important to them. 

This does require some level of vulnerability on the part of each of you in order to grow in intimacy.  If you struggle with vulnerability with your partner, try this exercise out with a smaller gridlocked issue first..

Gottman’s 3-Step Process

Step 1: Discuss (and listen) to each of your perspectives.

Set aside a time for each of you to talk about your personal perspective on the issue.  Use the talking formula: “I feel…because/about…and what I would like is…”  Speak in a respectful and non-critical tone to your partner, believing that they want to hear your side.

The most crucial component of this exercise, however, is playing the role of the listener.  Often we listen with one ear, but our mind is focused on our response and how we might defend ourselves.  When we do this, we’re not truly listening to the other person.  Instead, Gottman encourages you to “suspend persuasion” for a time and seek to understand your partner’s perspective, as if you were an outside observer.  Validate what you hear in your partner’s perspective.  What feelings make sense to you?  Can you understand from their perspective, even if you don’t fully agree? 

Example: In talking about housework, you might say, “I felt abandoned when I asked you to help me clean the garage and you said “no.”  I need to feel like we share responsibility and are working together to keep our home organized.”

Step 2: Identify the “dreams within conflict.”

Look deeper at why the issue is so important to you personally.  Exploring your own triggers is a self-reflective tool that helps you identify your own personal narrative contributing to the issue.

Typically, this narrative has to do with your past.  Describing why you are uniquely triggered helps your partner feel empathy.  As you discuss this narrative, ask open-ended questions like “tell me the story behind that” or “what experience from your past makes this so important to you?” to understand more of your partner’s perspective.

Similar to Step 1, it is essential to listen and understand your partner’s perspective.  Do you see why they might make the connection between the present issue and a past experience?  Does it make sense why they are having a strong emotional reaction? 

Example: “I’m reminded of the importance of my value of equality.  My father made sure that my mother felt as though they carried an equal weight in taking care of the house, and I saw that as a way they loved each other.  When you don’t help me out, I wonder if you don’t see us as equals, and then I feel unloved.” 

Step 3: Choose areas of compromise.

Once you’ve listened to one another’s perspective, asked questions, and helped each other feel fully understood, then you can move into a place of compromise.  Understanding and empathizing with your spouse’s story makes compromise vastly easier.  Where you might have been stubborn before, now that you know their story, you may be more willing to move closer to what they desire.

Make a list of essentials about this area: what do you need?  Then make a list of more flexible items where might you be willing to compromise.  Discuss your lists together and seek overlap.  Where might each of you make some compromise to move closer to your partner’s needs?  How can you practically put this into play this upcoming week? 

Example: “It is essential to me that, in general, you help out with tasks around the house.  I am willing to be flexible about what those tasks are.  If organizing the garage is not your cup of tea, I would feel supported and equal to you if you prepared dinner so I could focus on getting the garage done today.  Are you willing to consider that?”

Know this:  even in using these three steps, you will likely still argue.  Perhaps the compromise will work for a time, but eventually a new trigger will come up that needs to be discussed.  Remember: this is normal!  You will be discussing compromises and seeking to support one another throughout your relationship.  If you look at this as an ongoing conversation that will get easier over time, you’ll be set up well to continue to love one another through compromise in the course of your relationship.