If you’re ever noticed yourself caught in destructive cycles of behavior or dysfunctional thought patterns and not understood how to stop, you’re probably like most of us. Maybe you’ve found yourself in one of these situations:
You’re noticing negative and critical thoughts about yourself and wondering where they’re coming from.
You wonder why you can’t seem to maintain a solid friendship or romantic relationship.
The intense pressure and fear you feel around being perfect plagues you.
You find yourself struggling with eating and body image, no matter what solution you try.
You’re constantly feeling taken advantage of by others.
You’re dealing with an addiction that feels impossible to understand.
When you don’t have a framework to understand why you do what you do, it can feel like you’re flailing in search of an answer. You might have tried solution after solution, finding that none of them seem to stick. Or instead, you put your head in the sand and pretend like you don’t have any problems. Often, we blame other people or circumstances for these behaviors or thoughts, which only keeps us trapped in the vicious cycle that got us there in the first place.
There’s a reason you do what you do, even if you haven’t fully uncovered it yet. Often our behaviors stem from unconscious forces at work within us that are influenced by experiences in our early life, like trauma in our family-of-origin or experiences growing up that taught us certain lessons in life. These can be positive or negative behaviors that were modeled or experienced. They seem “normal” at the time, because you don’t know any different until you’re in a situation where someone has a different perspective.
Let’s use the image of a tree as a reference point to help us make sense out of these destructive cycles. (I am indebted to the Harvest USA Tree Model outlined in their book Sexual Sanity for Women for inspiring this imagery).
The Tree Model
Imagine an image of an apple tree. Your eyes are drawn to the red, plump fruit hanging from the branches. But what distinguishes a tree that produces good, healthy fruit from one that produces sickly or diseased fruit? Much of that has to do with the health of the soil, the roots, and the inside of the tree itself: things that we cannot see or touch, but that have essential roles in the growth of a tree.
The Fruit
Let’s start with the fruit. The fruit of the tree represents the results we see in our lives. These are visible and external. Good or healthy fruit may signify areas that are going well in our lives. But fruit can also be negative: problems or issues we can’t seem to shake. These are hard to miss when they cause us distress or pain. Any of the situations mentioned at the beginning of this article would be categorized as fruit.
What results are you seeing in your life with which you are dissatisfied? What do you want to be different?
The Branches
The branches that produce the fruit are the actions we take in our lives that contribute to the results we like or don’t like. Leaves or other branches may obscure some of these, signifying that you might not be aware of some of these behaviors. At the very least, you may not know why you do these behaviors until we explore more deeply.
Which of your behaviors make this problem or issue worse? Are there behaviors that you’ve tried to use to solve the problem, but they’ve failed?
The Trunk
Tree trunks include a core with rings showing layers that have grown over the course of time. In our model, the trunk represents the core beliefs and emotions that motivate the actions that spill out onto the branches. These might be beliefs you have about yourself, others, God, or the world around you that influence your behavior. Paying attention to the thoughts going through your mind when you’re engaging in your “branches” behaviors might shed some light on these core beliefs.
What do you believe about yourself when you’re dealing with this problem? What is the narrative you make up as to why your attempts to change haven’t worked?
The Roots
Roots reach down into the soil to get nourishment and strength, which in turn, feed the trunk. Our roots represent legitimate desires or needs that were either met or not met and have influenced our core beliefs. These legitimate desires become problematic when they take primary importance over everything else in your life or when you seek to meet them through unhealthy practices. False intimacy experienced through sex and love addiction rather than fostering healthy (and often more difficulty) intimacy with a spouse or friend is one example of this.
You might struggle to see your desires as legitimate, particularly when they feel self-focused or destructive. But I believe all desires are legitimate when they get down to their core. Let’s say you desire to be rich. When we explore the “why” behind that desire, we may find that growing up in poverty, you associated wealth with security and safety. Being rich represents an experience of feeling safe. Therefore, the true desire underneath is the desire for security and safety.
What core desire or desires underly your behaviors and results? What are you hoping for, at your core?
The Soil
Finally, the soil, which provides nourishment for the tree, represents circumstances or people in your past that have answered your desires in healthy or unhealthy ways. Often these are things you cannot control, as in other people, your inborn personality or body type, influences from media or the church, trauma, or other cultural messages. This soil formulates the lens through which you view yourself, others, and the world.
While we cannot blame these external factors for our current behaviors, it is important to acknowledge their influence and normalize where our core beliefs were solidified by these experiences.
What experiences and perspectives from your past inform the problem you’re dealing with today? What messages have you received that have impacted your beliefs about yourself, others, and the world?
Making it Personal
How do I apply this tree model to my own life?
First, take something that is going well in your life and trace it backwards, starting with the fruit. Identify what actions contribute to that particular circumstance or experience. Notice what thoughts or emotions led you to those actions. Identify the desires you are meeting. Pay attention to what circumstance or person taught you to meet your desire in that way.
Now repeat the same process with a problem or issue. Here are a few examples to help you get started:
Positive Example
Fruit: A good friendship
Branches: Spending time with one another regularly, having fun together
Trunk: Friendships are important to my well-being. I’m capable of making friends. I feel love and comfort when I’m around my friend.
Roots: desires for connection and closeness
Soil: I always saw my mother relying on her friends when she was stressed or having a hard time. I learned that habit from her.
Problem Example
Fruit: I can’t stay in a romantic relationship. I find myself getting bored quickly.
Branches: I seek out dating and the rush or the beginning of the relationship. But after we’ve been dating for a while, I get bored and then end the relationship.
Trunk: I’m no good at relationships. I’m incapable of making a healthy relationship work. I feel shame and guilt.
Roots: desire to be loved and wanted
Soil: My father was an alcoholic and often chose the drama of his addiction over loving his family. I learned that I wasn’t worth quitting and addiction for, no matter how hard I tried to make him love me.
Remember, just as is the case with actual trees, you might find several different branches, roots, and influences from the soil that create the fruit you’re producing in this area. Often I bring in a second metaphor here: the spiral staircase of healing. You might come across the same issue from multiple angles, just like you would if you were climbing a spiral staircase. But you have a different perspective on it each time you move forward.
As you explore these roots, this forms the foundation of change: change in your thinking patterns, releasing old trauma, and diagnosing the issue so you know how best to address what’s at the core. This is significantly better than just attempting to fix the fruit. If you get at the roots and trunk and change what’s happening there, the fruit will follow.