A Toddler's Secret to Mindfulness

Have you ever spent an extended period of time with a toddler, watching what they do and listening to what they talk about?  There’s something special about the way children interact with the world.  As adults, we can become consumed by timelines and schedules and priorities.  But those things don’t matter to kids – they see things through different eyes.

Before I became a therapist, I worked for a few years as a childcare provider for young children.  One 2-year-old I watched was notorious for getting easily distracted – a simple walk along the sidewalk could take what felt like ages, as he would find stop every few feet to point out an insect, pick up a rock, or comment on the leaves scattered around the neighbor’s yard.

One day, I followed him up the stairs so he could get dressed, chatting about what we were going to do that morning.  In my mind, I was planning each step for our entire day, almost by the minute.  To be honest, I was rushing him a bit too.  (We were going upstairs, which is always a several minute production for a toddler learning to climb...and always having to do everything without my help.)

I started listing off our plans for the day.  "Okay, after we get dressed we're going to get ready to drive in the car, and then we're going to go to Target to get something and look at the Christmas trees, and then we'll have our playdate, and then..."  The little one suddenly stopped on the stairs and said, "NO."  I assumed he meant he didn't want to leave the house, so I started reminding him of all the fun things we were going to do and how he would have to leave in order to do those things.  He stopped me again, and said:

"No.  Getting dressed upstairs."

And it hit me.

While I was fluttering around thinking about all the things we were going to do that day, this little one was focused on the one thing right in front of him.

Which was, evidently, going upstairs to get dressed.  Honestly, I was probably overwhelming him by hitting him with all these plans and ideas when he could only handle thinking about one thing at a time.

How often do we tend to do this in our lives?  We mentally jump so far ahead into the future and end up trying to juggle thinking about 27 things at once.  For me, it can start simply, where I'm thinking about whatever's coming next in my day.  Or it can happen on a long-term level, where I analyze my career or my relationships.  Or deeper still than that: I can feel such concern over my dreams and ambitions, or my fears of failure, or not measuring up to a professional or spiritual standard.  These worries can cripple me in a place of discouragement and hopelessness at my lack of progress.

And just like this 2-year-old, if I let all those worries flood into my mind, I get overstimulated, overwhelmed, and I shut down.

This moment spoke a truth to me that I needed to embrace at that point in my life: just stop.  Stop trying to figure out every detail.  Stop trying to think about the next big thing, the next stage I want to enter in life, or all those questions that I feel the need to have answered.  Let go of the obsessive anxiety and attempts at gaining control over my circumstances, which I think will keep me safe and protect me from harm.  The pride I had in believing I could control my life was being shaken by the wisdom of a toddler.

The truth reinforced in me that day was this: when we become caught up in negative thoughts about the past, or worries about the future, we lose sight of the beauty of the present moment.  We miss all that is happening right in front of us when we’re caught up in those stresses.  While planning and creating a vision for the future has a time and place, on a day-to-day basis, it is important to take things just one step at a time.  When we choose to be mindful of the present moment, we experience fewer negative emotions, less stress, increased focus and memory, less emotional reactivity, happier relationships, and plenty of other health benefits.

When I walk in the present moment of life, I feel so much more gratitude for the things around me.  I experience the grace that comes with knowing I don't have to have it all together, and I don't have to be perfect or achieve all the things I desire to achieve in my life.   And I can rest in the simplicity of life where I'm not always rushing ahead to the next thing and trying my hardest to control every outcome.

"So don't worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will bring its own worries.  Today's trouble is enough for today." Matthew 6:34 (NLT)

Who knew a 2-year-old would have a wiser outlook on life than I would.

One step at a time.

Self-Care Saturdays: 7 Ways to Get Yourself Moving

Welcome to Self-Care Saturdays, a series of bonus blog posts that will be released on the last Saturday of each month.  In a world where we are constantly faced with demands on our time and energy, it can feel impossible to slow down enough to pay attention to our own needs and take steps to care for them.  These articles are meant to get you thinking about one small step you can take today to practice kindness and care for yourself. 

If you would’ve told 14-year-old me that I would be running half-marathons by the time I was in my twenties, I’d laugh in your face.  Or more accurately, cross my arms in a huff and roll my eyes.  Though I ran hurdles and sprints on the track team, I HATED distance running and avoided cross country like the plague.

But something shifted in my early adult years.  I was fresh out of college and struggling with depression.  At a seminar I went to about depression and anxiety, one of the presenters named that exercise was a good way to boost his mood.  I decided to give running another try.  And this time around, with no pressure to be fast, I began to enjoy it.  I looked forward to running.  And let me tell you – it is one major factor that I can look back on and credit as changing my struggle with depression.

We all know the well-touted benefits of exercise. In fact, studies have shown that exercise can have comparable effects to antidepressant medication.  But when Netflix is calling your name, or the 5am alarm for a morning workout is just too early, we don’t prioritize those health benefits we’ve heard about.

Here’s a list of different tips you can use to beat that magnetic force that holds you to the couch.

Start Small (But Significant!)

If you walk out of your door thinking, “I’m going to run 5 miles today” when you haven’t strapped on your running shoes for 6 months, you’ll probably get to about a mile before the weight of that decision hits you – hard.

If you haven’t worked out for several months, start with something small.   It can be as simple as adding 20 sit-ups or 10 push-ups to your morning routine, walking around your block after dinner, or doing half of a Pilates video.  Be proud of what you accomplish!  You don’t have to be a bodybuilder to be fit and get healthy.  When you start small, you can begin to slowly increase as you feel comfortable, and before you know it you’ll be surprised at how much you can accomplish. 

Do Something You Love

If running makes you feel like you are dying, or if you dread going to your workout class, you’re not likely to follow through and actually exercise.  Just because everyone you know is into running/yoga/weight training, that doesn’t mean that it’ll work for you.

If you like walking your dog, extend your walk for another 15 minutes and explore a park or neighborhood nearby that you haven’t gone to before.  If you like dancing, have a dance party in your living room for 20 minutes with your favorite playlist.  There are so many options out there for how to exercise that I believe there is one that each person can enjoy.

Focus on the First Step

Picture a typical morning where you think about going to the gym to complete a workout.  Chances are, if you’re on the couch at home in your pajamas, you’re much more likely to stay at home.  On the other hand, if you’re in the car on the way to the gym in your athletic clothes, you’re probably more likely to work out.

Use this fact to focus your energy on just that first step you need to take to make exercise happen.  Instead thinking about how tired you’ll be during your workout, concentrate instead on changing your environment to motivate you to complete whatever exercise you want to be doing.

Go Outside

If you want to kill two birds with one stone, do your workout outside!  Not only will you get the mood-boosting endorphins of a workout, but you’ll get the happy effects of vitamin D and some fresh air into your lungs.  Studies have shown that exercising outside is associated with additional health benefits, and it also can provide motivation to return for another workout. Live somewhere where it’s overcast, rainy, or snowy?  Try it anyway! Going for a run in bad weather makes me feel extra intense and committed, which is an automatic mood boost. 

Work Out with a Friend

Find a friend who wants to get fit as well, and sign up for a class with them or make plans to work out together.  When you work out with a friend, you’ve got the built-in accountability to keep you on your exercise schedule.  And it always helps to have someone to go out to coffee with after a workout!

Invest in Yourself

Spending a little cash to take care of your physical health is worth it.  Buy a fitness tracker and use it as a tool to compete with your friends and neighbors on how many steps you’ve achieved that day.  Sign up for a gym membership or a workout class that you have to pay for – the financial investment may lead to a sense of emotional investment as well.  Register for a race in advance, knowing that you’ll have to be trained in time or you will lose the (often quite pricey) race registration fee.

Use Free Resources Where Available

On the flip side, if money is something that holds you back from exercise, you have plenty of resources you can use to get started even without that gym membership!  Check out free YouTube channels that offer yoga or workout videos.  Check out a book about exercise or a workout DVD from your local library.  In the past, I’ve even used the On Demand feature on my cable network to find kickboxing and other workout videos – they may be cheesy, but they get the job done!

What’s your next step to practice self-care through exercise?

5 Ways to Be Kind to Yourself in the New Year

It’s here: the new year.  For some of you, it feels like a fresh start full of new opportunities and hope for the future.  You may just want to leave 2016 behind and forget it ever happened.  For others, it might feel like time is passing too quickly, you’re disappointed in the past year, or you’re not sure what to hope for in 2017.

When you look back at 2016, what stands out to you personally?  Do you have hope for 2017?  If so, what are you hoping for?  Maybe you’ve made some resolutions or goals for the year and you’ve already broken them - I know I have.  It can be easy to blame ourselves or feel disheartened as we see dreams or desires not come to fruition.

How can we look back at the last year with kind eyes?  What do we do when our resolutions start to fall through, 2017 looks discouraging, or change isn’t happening as quickly as we’d like?

Here are some tips on how to be kind to yourself as you look back over the past year and plan for the new.

Celebrate the good from this past year.

If you’re facing depression or anxiety, it can be more natural to focus on the negative from the past year.  We can get hung up on things we did wrong, dreams we didn’t accomplish, goals gone unmet, desires left unfulfilled.  Instead, take a moment to look back on the year and make a list of things for which you can be grateful.  Give yourself credit for successes, no matter how small.  Celebrate by creating a symbol of those memories: it could be a collection of photos, a quote or verse that sums up the year for you, or a theme word or phrase.

Accept the things that have remained the same.

I’m a big journaler – it provides a release for me, but it’s also a helpful tool for reflection.  This New Year’s Day, I opened one of my journals from the beginning of 2016 to review the year and realized that I had written down almost the same disappointments and desires for change this year as I had the previous year.  My perfectionist self was unhappy. I could (and almost did) believe that nothing would ever change.  Instead, I had to choose to see myself as an imperfect person.  I needed to accept the ways in which I hadn’t changed this past year and know that I will be okay, even if I am not perfect.

I may always tend to experience life in a certain way due to my unique personality and emotions.  But instead of feeling worse by trying to fit the mold of what I “should” be experiencing, it is important accept both the gifts and the drawbacks of that personality trait and love myself through it.

Grieve the losses you’ve experienced.

Many of us have likely experienced loss in the past year.  It could’ve appeared in many ways: the death of a relative, a divorce, friendships coming to a close.  Loss can also come with positive changes, like a new job or a move to a new city.  Any of these could have made 2016 feel tinged with sorrow and sadness.  It could be easy to close the door on the year and choose never to think of those things again.  But pain can fester and affect us if we don’t give ourselves time and space to grieve the losses we experience.  Allow yourself to experience the sadness that may come, and seek out safe people to talk to and help you through your grief.

Set one small goal.

Set yourself up for success!  Resolutions can tend to be a bunch of vague goals, like “lose weight, exercise more, organize my house, be a better parent/spouse/friend.”  No wonder no one keeps resolutions like that – they’re overwhelming!  And since they aren’t particularly specific, it can be hard to find a next step to take for them.  This year, choose one small goal that has a baby step you can take in the first week of the year.  Make sure your goal SMART (specific, measurable, actionable, realistic, and time-bound), as that means you’re more likely to make it happen!  Better yet, choose something that you’ll find fun or enjoyable – the more you like doing something, the more likely you’ll be to keep doing it.

Choose one value to focus on in the year ahead.

There is a practice that some people take toward the new year where they name a word or short phrase that they want to be their focus for the upcoming year. Maybe you’d like to experience more calm, hope, or adventure in your life.  This can be a helpful tool to narrow down your vision for the year to just one item. Choose a value in which you desire to grow, and allow your choices for the year to be defined by that core value.

This year, instead of beating yourself down into the ground with those failed resolutions and negative views of the past year, use these ideas to both celebrate the year that’s gone by and create a rewarding 2017!